Musician...Mommy...MAYHEM!

Drowning

2009-07-24T15:50:00.000-05:00

I haven't written here in so long, I'm not quite sure how to lay claims to a starting place.

Going back to school has consumed SO much of me, agreeing to take an extra class and pushing my courses to 6 credits past full-time every term from now on, unless I scream "Stop!" at my advisory board. Amazingly, I am still managing a 'A' average across all my course, and have remained on the President's List at Kaplan.

Having a bit more time to focus on something other than criminal and constitutional law, criminological assessments and theory, and the general state of deprivation of our country would be a fabulous thing. I imagine that every waking minute that is not devoted to some form of schoolwork is consumed by Greyson - and with attitude he has developed as of late, is a LOT of time.

I NEED to get going with the rest of my training to become a medical transcriptionist, but I cannot find the motivation to jump in with both feet in the rare occassions that I am not otherwise engulfed to my eyeballs. It's been SO hard, and I'm amazed that I haven't collapsed in a corner yet - not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind.

This past weekend, we had to make the long drive to Roscommon, Michigan to attempt the creation of an estate for my late great-uncle, as well as retrieve anything of importance from his house. I knew it would be rough, but I suppose I didn't quite prepare myself for the items that I could come across that dealt with more than just his passing - photos of the grandfather I never got to meet, photos of my dad when he was still able to hold Greyson, numerous photos of my grandmother where it has been discovered that SOMEHOW, we share a slight resemblance. Photos of funerals. Funerals of MANY loved ones. Even things like the grave markers of my uncle's two favorite cats out near the woods. Yikes.

Overall, the trip was a needed getaway, though not without its stressors. Greyson unleashed his fury at least ONE of the nights at the hotel, as well as in the car on our journey home, and I can assure you it was far from pleasant. I think my body is finally closer to being fully recovered from an uncomfortable mattress for three nights combined with the sheer hell of driving 16 hours between Thursday and Sunday. I may even be underestimating the time a bit, at this point, I couldn't give you an accurate estimate if I tried.

The biggest crisis (at least in my case)? NO WIFI. Yep, the WiFi I should have had was apparently out of service the entire stay... which meant nothing less than being unable to access any form of my college login, nor do any research for the papers that I had due shortly after returning home. In fact, I'm STILL a bit behind - but luckily not behind enough where it has changed my grade. So that's still a bonus, I suppose.

I have generally had SO much on my mind lately, both with my own things, as well as situations with others. I can only imagine the personal hells that some of my nearest and dearest are going through right now, and it pains me that I can only do so much, and that I cannot be a shoulder more often than truth. It is truly times like these where I know who knows that I think of them DAILY, and also come to the sad conclusions on those who apparently don't. The worst part is that I no longer have any energy beyond what I have already shown in order to convince anyone to take a second look. I'm done, I'm spent.

Perhaps, I'll find some new footing soon. In all likelihood, I won't. Should I even care? I don't think that I can manage to focus on much more than making my success happen, and the world that my son relies on is consistent and happy. I can't put him through having a miserable mommy, and damned if I will let anything stand on my way of getting to where I want to be for myself, either. I'm counting down the courses I have left, and the end is in sight. Next summer should entertain my last course - at least as far as my Bachelors is concerned. At this point, I'm considering a short reprieve with working only before tackling my Masters. I truly do have the goal to work for the FBI, and at the very least, I WILL barrel my way down the path I need to in order to TRY.

For now, all I can hope for is that I can get in some good breaths in the midst of the waves crashing around me right now. Those who don't support me can gladly get out of my way.

It's no wonder that I like so few people...

2009-06-19T08:14:00.000-05:00

There has been some CRAZY shit going down lately, and I just cannot, for the life of me, figure out what anyone is gaining from the situation. Not the people starting it, not the people continuing it... and especially not the people caught up in the tornado that has formed between the two.

At what age do people seriously finally accept that high school is OVER? That no one really GIVES a shit anymore... or at least, SHOULDN'T?

Sheesh. Makes me wanna go all Dexter on people... it's a DAMN good thing that some qualify for special "non-typical-humanity" status, because the state of humanity? Is piss poor.

Yikes.

I have a favor to ask.

2009-05-30T02:11:00.000-05:00

Can someone send out a memo specifically addressed to my brain that it is not, I repeat, NOT allowed to test the breaking point of my skull by trying to escape its confines? It's a tad painful, to put it mildly.

Thanks.

Oh yeah, and make sure to staple a copy of today's TPS report to it, and come in on Sunday. Yeahhhh...

Sigh of Relief...

2009-05-28T01:39:00.000-05:00

Thank goodness, this term of school is OVER!!! Terrorism final essay - check. Stupid flurking Algebra final - check... even though that bastard of a class (which my final grade is a whopping B - I'm pissed, but at least it's not a C) has killed my college 4.0 GPA. Aaarrrrgh!

Now, I have 2 weeks off. Until I enter a deeper level of hell which is tackling THREE courses per term instead of the standard two. So, I'm going from full-time to MORE than full-time... WILLINGLY! I think I'm literally crazy. Right now I'm looking at Constitutional Law, Criminology, and Social Problems. I already TOOK Sociology at the 200 level, so that one shouldn't be too much of a problem at the 300 level. But, I have yet ANOTHER law class. And the following term? Yes, you guessed it - yet ANOTHER law class, Legal Foundations of Criminal Evidence, paired up with Bioethics and Forensic Fingerprint Analysis.

Yummy!

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE what I am doing, and I get absolutely giddy when I think about the career that I am heading towards. It's just a battle through new territory, since my first college major? Was MUSIC PERFORMANCE. Yeah. I can honestly say that I have gone a complete 180. Woo boy.

In other news, I'm ready to take a hit out on Mother Nature. It's almost JUNE, and all week? It hasn't been a single degree warmer than 65 - and THAT'S highballing it. It's been raining and yucky for days now, and DAMN if I don't desperately need some sun! Mother Nature had honestly better get her shit together in the next week and a half, because driving up to BooFoo Michigan will NOT be a fun time simply because of my mission (dealing with my great-uncle's estate, gathering any belongings from "the old country," etc), but if I have to deal with rain and non-summer-like temperatures? The people at the Probate Court had better hope they've got some medieval armor waiting in the back just for encounters like the one they will have with me.

All week, my brain has been a bit fuzzy - like I'm walking through a haze of confusion. A lot of things just don't seem to make sense once you scratch past the surface. Mercury in retrograde - okay, I get that - but, really? Does it have to fuck with me THIS badly? C'mon - it took me FOUR FRIGGIN' HOURS to take my Algebra final. Ouch. I really should NOT have been staring at quadratic formulas and shit for that long.

I just hope that Greyson actually sleeps through the night tonight, and doesn't decide to start his day at 6am again. That shit's NOT fun - especially when he was waking me up crying at LEAST every hour all. night. long. Damn. *sigh*

Damnit.

2009-05-11T18:54:00.002-05:00

My Algebra class is going to KILL my GPA. Bye bye 4.0. *sigh*

I'll be lucky to get a B as a final grade in the class. Rrrrraaaaaahhhhh!

That is all.

The Dangers of Coming Home

2009-05-09T12:43:00.000-05:00

So, I've been slacking. I know, I know, what else is new, right?

A week ago, I was basking in the glory that is Phoenix, Arizona. What I wouldn't give for some of that sun again right now! Here in Chicago, it's only 55 degrees (again) and looks like it is going to storm. Tomorrow is supposed to be just as dreary, just as gloomy, and it's doing NOTHING for my sense of motivation.

What I AM surprised about is how fantastically dark and skin-cancer-risking I got in only 2 1/2 days in sunny AZ. Wow. I guess I just haven't had such a great dose of sun in quite a long time - it's almost harder to hit up some sun here at home than it is out there simply out of the humidity aspect. For the love of all that's holy, it's 98% here right now! Yuck!!!

Also, I only have about 2 1/2 weeks of class left this term. While I will be happy to see Algebra and Counter-Terrorism go the way of the Mammoth, in June I have elected to take THREE courses at once instead of the general full-term enrollment of only two - and I think that I might lose my mind a little bit more each day. Especially since MetalliDad has just had his practices switched from Tuesdays to Wednesdays, and, of course, I have back-to-back classes on Wednesday nights. So, not only do I have to apply myself to seminar, but I have to find something to keep the Munchkin occupied during that two hours each week. I think I may have bitten off a little more than I can chew, but I want desperately to just GET that degree done, and move on to my Masters degree... the sooner the better! Besides which, I need some BANK! LOL

We'll see how things go! I'm off to work on a paper for that dreaded Counter-Terrorism class - wish me luck!

The Near Disaster of Jury Duty

2009-04-15T13:05:00.000-05:00

Yes, folks... I was called in for Jury Duty at the early hour of 8am on Monday morning, to be immediately called to a courtroom for what would be an intense *2 days* of deliberations over which jury members to keep. I got plopped in the jury box with the first random call, only to find out that the case was an appeal on a VERY high-profile murder trial from 1992. The problem? I knew not only the twin sister of the deceased (I had met her shortly after the murder), but also know the sister of the man on trial.

Wow. At the end of Tuesday, I was dismissed to re-join the general pool of jurors, since this week is apparently a *very* busy week at the County Courthouse.

I had *almost* wished to remain on the panel, if for no other reason than experience in my upcoming career as a Crime Scene Investigator... but how in the world can you be completely unbiased considering personal knowledge of both families involved???

Not only that, but MANY people that I know today were VERY close to either the sisters or the accused. I know that I will be following this case closely over the estimated three weeks that it is scheduled to take before a verdict has been reached.

I am home from duty all day today, but still have to phone in this evening to find out if I need to report tomorrow... and do the same for Friday, as well. I'm hoping for either a relief from all duties for the rest of the week, or at least to be utilized for another interesting case. God only knows what may lie in store behind a different set of courtroom doors...

I DO wish the friends, family, and acquaintances of BOTH parties peace throughout the next few weeks and beyond... I cannot even imagine what any of them may be going through...

XOXO

200th Post, Say What?

2009-04-11T16:13:00.000-05:00

Wow. Ahem. I had no idea I had written so much already.

Moving on...

Wednesday night, I had a polysomnography done, or in layman's terms, an overnight sleep study with more electrodes attached to my scalp, face, chest, shoulders. legs... you get the point... than I had ever imagined. I think the number topped off at *24*. And I had to SLEEP like that, with leads coming off of every point, and a nasal cannula & respiratory sensor in/on my nose. Nice.

Needless to say, even with the current dose of sleep meds, I only got about 5 hours of sleep. *sigh*

The good news? That I should have SOME clue as to why I have to be drugged to sleep (and also why only ONE medication has even come close to "fixing" my insomnia, albeit with ever-increasing doses), and also why most nights, before I *do* fall asleep, I feel like my body is going into muscle spasms, flinging legs and arms into twitchy, uncomfortable, relentless movement until I finally close my eyes. And I should find out by the 20th or so.

Of course, my follow-up appointment isn't until the 28th, but... well, such is life. Actually, that reminds me, I need to call and re-schedule ANOTHER follow-up I have that they set for May 1st with another of my multitude of doctors. Heh, I'll be in Phoenix that day. =)

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In the spirit of adding more medical care to my repetoire than I ever thought humanly possible for someone who is still able to walk, talk, and breathe, I also need to call a podiatrist. Yippee, fun... and I can't even see the doctor I used to work for, since he doesn't accept our insurance. No, I have to find a NEW doctor to poke, prod, squeeze, and X-ray my feet. My damned right foot has been a constant source of pain for, oh, the last three to four weeks? And instead of getting better like I convinced myself it would, the last few days have been a REAL doozy, causing me to only walk on the INSIDE of my foot, and making for a really *fun* looking gait. It's wonderous, I tell you... I'm just trying to figure out WHAT I did to it, since I'm SO beyond buying that it could in any way related to my fibromyalgia. That just doesn't add up.

By the way, can I just add, WTF? Because it's not enough that with the fibro, I have random, body-encompassing pain to some degree daily, but also digestive issues, headaches, jaw issues, dental issues, sleep issues... but now, one of the ONLY parts of my body that ISN'T affected? Yep, my foot takes a dive and decides to join the gang in causing me more personal grief.

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Greyson, on the other hand, is becoming a monster. No, not the previously-discussed "scream at you for an hour just because I feel like it" monster, but rather, of the growing and eating and OH MY GOD YOU HAVE AN APPETITE kind. I'm pretty much convinced that he has gained two pounds in the last few weeks, and both his hands and feet has grown noticeably in less than a week's time. Apparently, with Spring, not only do the plants and flowers grow, but also, little boys.

He has given his reading a HUGE leap ahead, and now attempts to sound out new words in a seamless fashion, rather than the typical "little kid" syllabic-chunk way. He's learned to zip his own coats and jackets now, too, making headroom in the fine motor department. His letters and numbers look a bit better each day, making me wonder just WHAT it is that has carried him this far.

I cannot take the credit for it, I have never sat down to teach him unless he has started on his own. I have wanted to foster a childhood in him that is all too easily surpassed in a world where everything seems to be done earlier and sooner and where children look three years older than their actual age before they even ht puberty. No, I cannot take any of the credit... but I certainly find myself fearing that I will shoulder some, if not all of the blame in time.

I find myself both overglowingly proud and also frightened as he surpasses new things, seemingly, each time I glance his way. I don't want him to miss a minute of the glory that is being a child, and yet, somehow, I know that in some ways, he will. No matter what I do, because he has accomplished all these things that grab at my heart and bring tears to my eyes no matter what I HAVEN'T done. He has perfectly and completely become HIMSELF, seamlessly and effortlessly, all a part of his own, special world... and I am amazed, proud, and choked up at each little segment of this little man's personality and strength.

Somehow, I cannot remember, no matter how hard I try, to figure out just how we have reached this point - him quickly encroaching upon three and a half, and me, stumbling to find my footing at 28. Each day is filled with a melange of near each emotion I can fathom, and nothing could have *ever* prepared me for this moment in time, this witnessing of *my* child growing more and more into himself every day.

And even knowing what I know now, this all will do nothing to prepare me for another child in the future, if ever and whenever that day comes. It's like trying to describe a faultless sunset, or the breathtaking beauty that is the northern lights over the phone to someone who can't see through to the outside... each time you try, you feel a bit more secure in your findings, but never truly prepared for what new color or ribbon of light always seems to slip into view just a second later.

I only know that the moments I feel tears start to sting my eyes are far more in the way of pride and overwhelming joy mean much, much more that those when the burn is from a moment felt in sorrow or pain. My son has taught me that no matter *what* I have or haven't done, that he will keep on going, smiling and showing the world that he is on his way through, changing all he touches.

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Happy Easter, Happy Spring... it is so easy to take what we have for granted in a world where others have much worse things to face. Many, many wishes for healing to Heather and Mike, who lost their precious daughter Maddie this past Tuesday.

I. HATE. BLOGGER.

2009-04-06T14:12:00.002-05:00

Well, I HAD just finished a nice, long post...

Only to have blogger delete it, and act like it never existed.

Time to go bury my head under a rock.

And it was all full of light and happiness, too! (Okay, well SOME light and happiness... LOL)

Damnit. It's one of THOSE days, isn't it?

What the... SNOW? Seriously?!?!?!

2009-04-05T20:51:00.000-05:00

So, it just stopped *blizzarding* here. I know... snow? A week before Easter. Yippee. Meanwhile, Greyson stands at the window and proclaims his hatred for the damned white stuff. I did *not* create a snow-loving little man.

Next up, we have me (hi!) avoiding my College Algebra work and Terrorism paper for this week like the plague. I don't know... when the problem that I attempted in the initial classwork came out SO off base, and the discussion question for the week in Terrorism made me twitch a little with it's "eschatological thinking" in its use of al-Qaeda recruitment... Yeah. Not really looking to dive into any of it right away.

Lastly? I have the initial appointment made for the sleep study I have been referred for on Tuesday, as well as blood work to check my thyroid on Wednesday. My psych is *really* confused by my body's reaction to, essentially, 25% of the caloric intake I *should* be consuming, yet no downward fluctuation in my weight. Actually, I have *gained* weight... so yep... she's thinking that all signs are pointing towards possible hypothyroidism. I wonder how many MORE pills that would mean I would have to take daily... can I up my numbers to 16? Maybe a nice, round 20? I know that 15 pills a day currently is just WAY to comfortable right now... (gag).

Oh! And that doesn't even count the highly likely cholesterol meds (at least for a short while) since one of the meds I have been taking for sleep (in ever-increasing dosages!) has jacked up my cholesterol - AND my blood pressure! But hopefully, that will remedy on its own without more medication. I HOPE.

I suppose I should also call my neurologist tomorrow to try and get into see him, too... since it's been almost a month since my MRI. That will either add a spinal surgery or just even MORE medication to my regime. YUMMY!

Gah, what I wouldn't give for the body (and the endurance, for the love of everything holy!!) that I had, say eight, 10 years ago?!? Hells bells. Eight years ago, 4 hours of sleep a night was REFRESHING. Now, if I'm LUCKY to even get that much, I feel like I have a sandbox in each eye, and leaden weights tied to each limb.

I wish I could play football again. I wish I could tear up the volleyball courts without feeling like my muscles were going on strike and just plain LEAVING my body. Hell, I wish I could jog a half mile and know I wouldn't be feeling like I was 60 afterwards. *sigh*

I wish I had nothing to bitch about. Of course, I could just NOT complain... but you know, I just don't remember signing up for this shit. I'm actively trying to take a better mental grasp of things, but when, at the end of the day, I feel like I have bruises covering 75% of my body... it really just doesn't seem fair, I guess. The only thing that I *have* been grateful for, medically, is the fact that (at least in the case of my Fibromyalgia) it's not deteriorating... but the pain at times can *really* fool you into feeling like it is.

And this damn snow in April DOES. NOT. HELP. AT. ALL.

Mother Nature can take the crap BACK.

Tee Hee!

2009-03-31T00:25:00.000-05:00

Okay people... first, I was BURIED in snow ON MY BIRTHDAY. IN CHICAGO. On the 29th of MARCH. Has Mother Nature forgotten what time of year it is because we changed the daylight savings dates?!?!?

And then, I got to spend my birthday in the hospital with Ralph. Looking at a foot with only 4 toes. YUM. Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE feet?!?! And this is even talking the normal, 5-toed variety. Joy.

BUT! He got to come home today!! Yippee! Of course, he's hobbling a bit, but my god, he has NO PAIN. If I had a toe cut off, I'd be in pain. Wouldn't YOU be in pain? But nope - for him? Nada. Lucky man.

I'm hoping that Ralph's return will change Grey's behavior some. He's been, well... not so nice. Today, he wasn't cranky... he was just plain CRAZY!! I haven't seen him this goofy in a LONG time... and it was ALL day!! He was near tears because he wanted GRITS for dinner. Yep. He cried because no one was JUMPING up to make them at that VERY MOMENT, and he ate almost two full packets of them. Weirdo. I offered him ravioli... he wanted GRITS. Sometimes I wonder about that boy... I guess he got a good dose of his Papa in him, since he was raised down south. Who knows?!?!

AND! I have actual tickets booked for a SOLO trip to Arizona the first weekend of May... I cannot WAIT! I'm determined to come home TAN. Last year when I was out there, the weather was like here in April... So, no tan then. COMPLETE. DETERMINATION. THIS TIME. Heh.

I have a meds followup tomorrow, because obviously? I am NOT asleep, and it is after midnight. And I have had to hit backspace 11,000 times already. So, I'm awake, but not quite coherent. Shouldn't that mean I'm TIRED? Ah, but no... my body screams, "SLEEP IS NOT A WORD IN YOUR VOCABULARY!!!" almost every night. So, off I go to see what comes next. Can you believe I had a brief conversation over the phone with my doctor about Xyrem (which I found out is fucking GHB!!!!????) to make me sleep?!?! I hope there's a step BEFORE that... I mean, I guess I could sell it for income... No, no... that wouldn't look too good while trying to get my CSI degree. Heh. HEH HEH, even.

I'm gonna go try and hypnotize myself to sleep with boring, late night TV. Hope you all had a better past few days than me!!

XOXO

Well, Things Haven't Quite Gone As Planned...

2009-03-23T03:34:00.000-05:00

There was no lunch date with the hubby - he didn't wake up until 1:30pm, so that idea was a tad shot out of the water. He didn't check into the hospital yet, either - he is going tomorrow (Monday). I sincerely hope that he called his doctor (since he was given his cell number) to make sure that pre-admission arrangements are made, so this can all go more smoothly. Otherwise, he's going to have a LONG wait in admissions while they try to get a hold of the doctor and find a room and bed for him. *sigh*

Greyson had an... interesting day today. Hubby punished him for his behavior Saturday night (while Daddy wasn't home) all because he had told him before he left that he had "better behave for Mommy," and his attitude pretty much plummeted shortly after Ralph packed up and took off for his show. He did an amazing job of sitting on the bed, though (I still let him watch a movie).

Later on, he was made to sit in his chair (by Dad) because of not listening. All he had to do was apologize, and the stubborn little stinker sat there for a good 45 minutes before he would apologize... and then, only to me. While I got the biggest hugs in the world, he said that he was "upset with Daddy because he yelled and spanked his butt." Well, can't argue there - be we did talk about how Daddy didn't do these things while he was behaving, so it wasn't *too* fair to be upset enough to not apologize, and that if he apologized, I'm sure that Daddy would, too.

Greyson *finally* apologized to Ralph. Ralph did not. Eh.

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On the lighter side, I have in the works a FABULOUS vacation being planned out, just me, to get away for at least a LITTLE bit, to sunny Arizona, courtesy of my BESTEST Bea. (Love you, hon!!!) She's covering my flight as a birthday present... and I couldn't be happier. It's such a great gesture, that I am going to have to load myself with something *extra* special to bring along with me!! I truly canNOT wait... but even knowing that it IS going to happen helps lighten the load a little. I felt absolutely refreshed after visiting last March, that I know this will be great for my mind, body, and soul... and believe me, they ALL need it! =)

Greyson is BLOWING me away EVERY. DAY. by bringing me books... and then reading him themself. He still has a bit of trouble with BRAND new words sometimes, because those PESKY vowels have two sounds, and he can't always decide which one is the *right* one. I mean, C'MON! Who made up THAT rule anyways?!? hehehehe

I will have to scan and post a letter he wrote me... Greyson Loves Mom. Is that enough to melt your heart, or what? I constantly find pieces of paper around the house adorned with his adorable rendition of his name... and am SOOO proud of how well he has developed in forming his letters, with little help at all!!! SOMEONE is helping this kid out, once again... I suppose I may be able to look at the stars and thank my grandma, my mother-in-law, and my Mamaw... I'm sure it's not the first time, and I can pretty much be assured it's not the last. =)

SO, we are starting a new week... a HECTIC week, as one would have it, but a NEW week anyhow... we'll see how this one pans out! *crossing fingers* It's almost ALWAYS an issue when Grey KNOWS that Daddy is not going to be around, as apparently, he has taken the role of "The Punisher" now in Grey's mind, and Mommy is one whose buttons need to be pushed, prodded, and sometimes JAMMED, just to see what he can get away with. Nice to know that SOME part of him is truly still three, as frustrating as that is daily anyhow!!!

I *do* need to fill out the paperwork to enroll him in our school district's preschool program... and then will come "the testing." I'm almost afraid to hear what they will tell me, especially knowing most of the psychologists in the school system!!! I'm sure that the entire process will be an adventure!!! =P

XOXO!

As the weekend begins...

2009-03-21T22:08:00.000-05:00

It ends, too. REALLY fast, apparently. Ralph has a show tonight in Joliet, so he has been gone since about 5pm. Greyson *lost it* and instead of getting the USUAL "Movie Night" that we have on nights where Daddy has a show, he instead got sent to bed at 7pm instead of 9. I KNOW I'm probably going to regret it in the morning, but he SOOOOO needed to just go to sleep!!!

Tomorrow, I am *hoping* to be able to at least go out to lunch with Ralph, since Thursday was our anniversary... which, unfortunately, went unacknowledged until I asked about lunch Sunday last night. He's checking into the hospital Sunday evening / afternoon, so it's pretty much the last chance we'll get to spend time together for who knows HOW long... it all depends on how long they want him there for IV antibiotics, and if they decide that the infection level is low enough for surgery NOW (or if it's even needed), or if he has to come back AGAIN after a super-long course of IV antibiotics, even at home, since they'll be sending him home with a PICC line again, just like when we found out he was diabetic almost 2 years ago. *sigh*

I recently reconnected with an old friend from school, who invited me into a monthly playgroup, essentially comprised of all women I went to high school with... and I'm JAZZED! It's something that, I think, is desperately needed both for Greyson and for me - we are both feeding off of each other's cabin fever, and the stress levels get *rather* high.

I hardly ever get out anymore... seriously. I'm lucky if I'm away from the house once a week, and even then it's usually a doctor's appointment of some sort. I really, REALLY need to find some sort of motivation, because I think I've only consumed *maybe* 500 a day for the last week or more, and yet, with the meds, I've gained weight according to my last Dr. visit. Luckily, they are testing my thyroid, because ONE of my doctors really thinks that there is a problem there. LUCKY ME! Just one more pill to take, one more medical condition to tack on to my long list of ailments.

God, I hope Greyson keeps his AWESOME immunity and health... I am SO afraid of him becoming diabetic, even if it's as late as Ralph was diagnosed. Other than that, the only thing I can foresee is that I think he inherited the extra vertebra where the cervical spine becomes the thoracic... My dad has it, and so do I. Yippee!

I need sleep. I don't know how well that will fare, but I need to try. Luckily, I have a "med review" on the 31st, and there's been talk of some pretty serious changes to what I have to take daily. 13 pills a day as it is, let's see what we can get up to next!!! =P

Wish me a better day tomorrow than today!! =) XOXO

Such a Beautiful Day Outside, Such a Grievous and Chaotic Day Inside...

2009-03-17T15:01:00.000-05:00

It is actually 70 degrees outside right now. Here. March in Chicago and it's NOT. SNOWING.

I haven't been able to get Greyson outside yet today, because I've been spending part of the day grieving a bit for an old school friend who, as of last notification, shot and killed himself yesterday. That's the only information that I have, and it seems that everyone I know that was still in touch with him is at a standstill as far as information goes.

Another part of my day has been spent looking for the mysterious disappearing chicken, who, even after digging through two separate freezers, twice each, until I could no longer feel my fingertips, was still missing... until I went back to the first freezer and GEE WHIZ! It's in a DIFFERENT color bag than I was TOLD it was in, and I found it - after wasting a good 30-45 minutes of my day of trying to find it and then ALSO discovering that the corned beef I was going to make? YEAH... all the makings for it got FROZEN. So, dinner prep was a bit of a panic with a three year old who has decided that Mommy is NO longer boss of HIM running around and making me lose what little bit of sanity I have left.

The good news? This term of college is DONE... finals and all. And once again, PRAISE the friggin EVERYTHING (LOL) I am walking away with another 4.0. WHEW!!! I wasn't sure I was going to be able to pull it off this term (friggin LAW class!), but FINALLY - I'm done.

Now I have Intermediate Algebra and Terrorism Today to tackle starting the 25th. JOY!!! =X
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Now, honestly, I need to throw this question out here, because I'm hoping that someone, ANYONE, will have insight for me.

WHAT do you do with a three year old boy, who is reading and trying his hand at writing rather well, considering, that decides that, suddenly, one day, he is "the BOSS, and will do whatever (he) feels like or will say whatever (he) feels like saying?!?!?!" Seriously people. I am at my wit's end, seemingly, ONCE again, wondering just WHAT this kid is trying to DO to me! No punishment touches him - he gets things taken from him, both actual physical items as well as privileges, he gets stuck in time out, he gets spankings (and even THESE don't phase him, so they are pretty much no longer used)... I'm lost.

He almost consistently wakes up too early, but absolutely WILL NOT NAP... I KNOW that part of the issue is him being overtired... but when an attempted nap time turns into nothing more than a screaming match... is it really worth it?? I can't just wait until he is THAT tired where he'll fall asleep without fighting, because that's pretty much DINNERTIME. And then he will literally stay awake until at least 1 am. No joke.

I feel myself getting stressed out more and more every day, and it's not helping matters - I KNOW this. But it's harder and harder to gain control of the "take a deep breath and count to 10" kinda deal. I just... get LOST in the moment and have no clue as to what step to take next. I am trying to grasp tight to the notion that "Nobody Can Hurt Me Without My Permission" - but my GOD, is that difficult sometimes!!

As it stands, my blood pressure, which is normally so low that, while in labor, they thought I was going to pass out because the combination of my normally low pressure and the effects of the medication brought it to a staggering 80/52... last night, my BP was 157/96. I thought I was going to blow a gasket just looking at that number - I have NEVER had high blood pressure in my LIFE... and now suddenly THIS creeps up out of NOWHERE? Something's not right... and something needs to be done SOON.

I had a 2nd MRI... and I have yet to make a followup with the neurologist. WHY? Because I'm SCARED. Either I'm having surgery, or I'm being sent to yet ANOTHER pain clinic, except this time it's not PT, it's alternate drug therapies... Neither sounds fun, believe me.

I also have to determine when, if EVER, is a good time to start looking for internships. I'm pretty much positive THAT'S not going to happen until the Fall or later, when I can get Greyson going in preschool... it's just... NOT gonna work right now, that's for sure.

*sigh* I'm stressed out TYPING this! I need to try and take a breather...

Phew! One Down, One to Go!... and The Toddler Who Read, and Read, and Read Some More!

2009-03-09T01:07:00.001-05:00

I am officially done with one of my two final papers for this term (each term laast 10 weeks - I know, strange, but that's what I get when i opt to accelerated learning). My OLD transcripts should arrive at Kapln either Tuesday or Wednesday...and believe me, I know that it's pushing that deadline awfully quickly, since term ends March 17th. So far, so good with class - no 100%'s across the board like last term, but I should again pull a *minumum* a Dean's List honor, if not the full-fledged President's Honor as I did for October through Janusry. Eh. I just want A's so I can maintain my rockin 4.0. So THERE.

I've been briefly contemplating adding a third class to my load for next term... but with having to take college-level algebra AGAIN, as well as "Terrorism Today," I'm not sure what exactly would work well with the above-mentioned duo... unless I take a criminal psychology course, since I have had so much psych pumped into my veins in the past, my marrow whould be spitting it out along with new blood cells.

Any opinions on adding a third course? Do you think I can handle it?!?! Eep!
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For those of you who have asked... yes, I'm okay. Not necessarily 100% okay, but I'm surviving. Things are simply in a deep financial rut, and I'm trying my damndest to find a job here from home in case a) I DO need spinal surgery, a b) the weather goes damn haywire, bring my fibro pain levels up to a decrepit high. Hell, if I dtill felt GOOD, we've have no problem... except for that until August, my son does not qualify for district prechool, so my paycheck would essentiall be turned over to my employer just for him to be in the building with me, but to have others care for him. Hmmmm, gee, what a hard choice THAT creates, Duh.

So, anyone want a bookkeeper, transciptionst, order proessor, data processor/proofreader? I have experience with all of the above so (turns into a little girl) Pick me! Pick Me! PICK ME!!! Heh.

I think I need to get some sleep... I have to write a criminal statue on cyberbullying, including the defintions, forms, and possible punishments involved. It just makes me wanna PUKE.
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On a happier note... (or a "bring me a brick wall" note), Greyson has been READING. EVERYTHING. In the grocery store - "OH! This isle says first aid, we have to look for more bandaids here!" or "Mom, the milk is dated March 18th, is that okay?" YES. We get looks ALL the time. NO, we have put NO pressure on him to read. OH! And we have in no way shape, or form done anything to him for him to come up to me and ask if he could watch an online autopsy video "to see what's inside everyone." Yikes. He was actually studying my new MRIs in comparisons to the ones from his past October. "Is that where your bad discs are, Mommy?" I'm tellling ya... Dr. Circelli by day - Iron Greyson by night. This child NEVER provides a dull moment.
Want an awesomely cute three year old? For a day? An hour? Okay, how about a few minutes?!?! So far, he's only cut paper with scissors, so at least you're safe on that part, so far... hehehe

Just... God Damnit.

2009-03-05T06:37:00.000-06:00

I am just... in a BAD situation right now. Okay, that's nor fair - the whole FAMILY is in a bad situation.

Anybody who cares... can you just say a little prayer, think a little thought, send some good vibes out into the Universe... something.

I can't (don't want to?) go into details right now... but we're up shit creek. No paddles. No escape route. And it's looking like a waterfall coming up on our rickety little canoe.

I had another MRI yesterday. Things are defnintely worse... so now I honestly am in fear of having to need spinal surgery. We're financiially FUCKED... and that's putting it LIGHTLY.

I think the ONLY good news is that Greyson is at LEAST 99% potty trained, and that Ralp is getting the care he needs on his diabetic ulcer on his foot.

Fuck. Double fuck. I can't even SEE the silver lining right now...

Beautiful

2009-03-03T12:31:00.001-06:00

I’m looking for a way to feel you hold me

Feel your heartbeat just one more time

Reaching back, trying to touch the moment

Each precious minute that you were mine

How do you prepare

When you love someone this way

To let them go a little more each day?

The stars we put in place

The dreams we didn’t waste

The sorrows we embraced

The world belonged to you and me

The oceans that we crossed

The innocence we lost

The hurting at the end

I’d go there again

‘Cause it was beautiful

It was beautiful

Some days, missing you is overwhelming

When it hits me you’re not coming back

And in my darkest hours, I have wondered

Was it worth it for the time we had?

My thoughts get kind of scattered

But one thing I know is true

I blessed the day that I found you

The stars we put in place

The dreams we didn’t waste

The sorrows we embraced

The world belonged to you and me

The oceans that we crossed

The innocence we lost

The hurting at the end

I’d go there again

‘Cause it was beautiful

It was beautiful

The rules we stepped aside

The fear that we defied

The thrill of the ride

The fire in our hearts that burned

The oceans that we crossed

The innocence we lost

The hurting at the end

I’d go there again

‘Cause it was beautiful

It was beautiful

~~~ Amy Grant & Vince Gill ~~~

(agreeably, NOT my typical style of music... but my God, this song is, well, BEAUTIFUL. And MEANINGFUL, on many different levels...)

To Share a Bit of Sorrow

2009-03-01T20:35:00.002-06:00

A dear, dear friend of mine lost her mother on February 9th. She was really unable to even find the time to let me know her mom was gone until now, after flying back home from her family out in California. Apparently, Mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer on the 6th, and had only those last three days to fight.

If you're the praying kind, pray for her.
If you're the blessings kind, bless her.
If you're the thinking of you kind, please think of her.
If only a random, passing thought... send a little love her way. Jeana has been like family to me, and was a shining light while we were still in our old apartment where I had no one else around. She's still very raw from this, as expected, and any little bit of love will only help her heal.

Thanks, everyone.

Wiped Out

2009-03-01T18:14:00.000-06:00

I haven't been able to write lately. I probably shouldn't be writing right now. The stresses of this term of college combined with a continuously-developing three year old who not only can rattle off the spellings of his full name as well as tell you our entire address and phone number, but yesterday astonished me by reading a newly-explored book meant for elementary school-aged kids... starting the process of re-doing our bedroom complete with a brsnd new frame, mattress, bedset, all new pillows... *sigh* There has simply been so much to do, and so much more cold, winter weather still lingering that is clinging to my body like a leaden suit, magnifying the oh-so-persistent pains of not only the fibromyalgia, but also the herniations in my back that send spasms of pain down sometimes both legs at once.

There have been days I question taking on the task of returning to school at this point in my life, if for no other reason than the absolutely exhausting mental tasks that these two current courses have required. I have yet to experience a single week without at least one research paper due, and I am now, after this current paper, facing finals - two incredibly detailed research papers dealing with both the investigational and legal aspects of the criminal justice system. There are times where I catch myself somewhat laughing at myself, having gone from an original major upon finishing high school of both music and psychology with a goal of becoming a music therapist, making the decision to toss all that aside and enter the world of a crime scene investigator. I wonder what I will be facing, knowing that the medical limitations on me right now would leave any prospective employer laughing before offering me a position working as an on-scene investigator - especially with me wanting to become sworn and not just remain a civillian investigator. I wonder how I am going to be, facing possible swing shifts and needing to be focused and prepped at different times throughout the week, knowing that right now, I completely rely on prescribed medication in order to barely get the sleep I need as a stay at home mom... and even then, sometimes, it's like grasping at straws wondering if those pills will work one more time. I think the running total has been nine different medications over the course of two-plus years in order to try and bring me that absolute essential of life.

I have both the relief and stress that comes from being in the same house as my parents for this overwhelmingly NEW shift in my life. It's not always pretty, but there are times it's my lifesaver, my rescue raft. But even now, knowing that when I need it, I will have eyes to watch Grey while I go for my second MRI, I am finding myself lost in even deciding when I have the time - even though only when I have it completed will I know what next fate holds for me, be it having to schedule spinal surgery or fit multiple appointments at yet a different pain management clinic in order to try and attain some level of normalcy on my day-to-day functional levels. And also knowing that, as I do this, I have to continue to look for some form of employment - even at a part-time level - in order to keep this little family of mine afloat, trying not to be downtrodden by the numerous applications that I have already submitted and heard not a peep from. There are only so many positions available where I could actually perform at an optimal level for that specific job, and also know that I'd actually be able to get out of my car by myself after I drove home again.

There are times where I wonder just how or why I have been hit by this pain. The spinal issues - okay, Dad's side is chock full of degenerative disc disease. But something else has caused this late-in-life scoliosis (as minor as it may be), something else has triggered this hell they call Fibromyalgia. And only for the last year or so has there been a singe medication approved for the treatment of it. I'm on a high dose as it is, at 300mg, and even then, there is no such thing as full relief - only a higher risk of drug-related weight gain, which in turn puts more stress on my body. A wonderfully spinning catch-22 for all of my ailments.

I feel as if I'm become this horrible friend, choosing to spend the majority of my free time, the little that there is, at home and trying to rest up for tackling the next day ahead, especially since I can never truly predict just how the mext morning will find me. There is so much that I have missed, so much that I feel others hold against me, for not being that initiator of contact that when I do, it goes unnoticed. I find myself wanting to do oh SO much, yet failing to find that energy that even less than a handful of years ago I had more than enough of... and I have yet to even face the big "3-0".

I keep trying to tell myself that it will all work out, that I will find again what has gone missing from this shell of "me," and yet day by day I seem to lose sight of it even more. And damn, if there aren't some days that I don't even know how to fight for it anymore... IF I can fight for it anymore. My mind can go wherever it pleases, but if the body is unwilling or unable, well... here I sit.

I am trying to hold onto some possible optimism, that I am supposed to be involved in a new study for fibromyalgia treatment this month. Will I see results? Only time will tell on that one. As for now, I face scheduling one more test to see if anything can be done for this searing back pain... three more papers by the 17th to determine my student status at the end of yet one more term... appointments with not just one, but three separate doctors to try and manage the different facets of my daily medical needs.... a son who very obviously needs less sleep than I do, and is quickly leaving me at a loss of what to do to keep his exponentially developing mind occupied... a husband who, having just gotten out of the hospital himself once again for diabetic complications, needs to rely on me for things that I wish I could promise but can't always keep up with what my mind holds in its plans... friends that I fear losing all for what I have no control over, and wondering if that makes them truly friends anymore at all...

With that, I'll shuffle myself into the kitchen to throw together a leftovers of a dinner for those who need me right now, including the little man who is currently singing along to one of Metallica's newest releases on his Mp3 player, and the big man who is only doing God knows what in the lower level we call "home." I'll walk the patterns of the everyday in the hopes that one of these times I'll stumble upon something new, something enthralling and envigorating, something that will give me a little sense of the self that once was.

For those of you who have lingered and clung to me as I have clung to you through everything... I can only begin to put into words just how much that means to me every waking minute (one of you especially). I promise, someday, it will be paid back, I will find a way...

Larissa

Inappropriate Card Day!!!

2009-02-24T10:55:00.000-06:00

Countdownr

Tired and Complicated

2009-02-24T10:36:00.000-06:00

Well, the hubby is in the hospital... diabetic complications which have resulted in a never-healing foot ulcer becoming infected for the third time in less than two years. The minimum he will be there is a 23-hour observation (which would mean home tomorrow evening-ish). THANKFULLY, they will be referring him to a wound care clinic upn discharge, so that *hopefully* something will finally start heading in the right direction for this nasty, ulcerated right foot. *shudder*

Actually, his doctor while I was there was the ONLY doctor in that ER that actually *did* anything for my pain, and got me to the point that, even though I arrived not even able to stand, I walked out of the building on my own. Sweet. And his nurse (former drummer, apparently!) really kicked some major bedside butt since he spent a solid 10 minutes answering any questions I had regarding Ralph's treatment and such.

At least I know that he BIG man is being taken care of. The LITTLE man... eek. We didn't have the greatest of days... once AGAIN.

Just before getting ready to head over to the hospital to bring Ralph a couple things (including something to eat - YUCK! They gave him a "cold-pack lunch" that apparently tasted like it had been in someone's SHOE all day), I walk into the computer room, not only to find Grey standing in my office chair... but standing there with his fingernails painted. Well, more like every finger from the knuckle to the tip painted. YES... and it was up on the SECOND shelf of the compter hutch, which means that in the whole five minutes *maybe* that I was out of the room, he HAD to have climbed onto the desk ITSELF at least briefly. *sigh*

Did I mention that he also got streaks of red, shimmery polish all over a BRAND new pair of gripper socks from Old Navy?? And *somehow* managed to get nail polish in a stripe up the inside of his thigh?? Aaaaand... (here's the kicker) he got a nickel-shaped glob of nail polish that just *barely* managed to not seep all the way through on the crotch of his UNDERWEAR. I don't get it... was this child trying to paint hib nuts?!? GEEBUZ!!!

So, I head to the hospital, blah blah blah... Watch the last 20 minutes of House (THAT'S how much he should appreciate me, damnit - I left to bring him food knowing FULL well that I'd be missing HOUSE!!), hang out a bit more to make sure I talk to both he nurse AND the doctor. Great. No problem... 8:25, gonna head home... Aaaaand, I arrive home to a *very* in trouble little boy.

He used PAM for HAIRSPRAY. (How he even GOT into it is beyond me.) He now looks like a greaser... and all because I *refused* to give him a bath at that moment in time, right before bed, since bathtime is a HORROR when it comes down to washing his hair.

Someone want to borrow a really CUTE three year old who's in the middle of a preschool "PMS" phase?!?

I Have Found the Secret...

2009-02-19T13:20:00.000-06:00

To getting any form of essay done.

Take some sleeping pills, a couple of Vicodin... and three to four hours later, you somehow have a full-blown, previously unresearched paper in hand, ready to turn in - and even at an additional two pages above the required minimum!! AND - it's completed 5 days before it is even due. Take THAT, writer's block!

Yes, I *did* turn this paper in. No, I have *not* yet received the grade for said paper. Heh.

I suppose we'll see how perfect my "secret" truly is in, oh, a few days? Hehehehe...

Neurologist Visit

2009-02-17T12:20:00.000-06:00

Well, based on the MRI from early October, my neurologist said that he would NOT perform surgery, because it would more than likely cause more problems than it's worth. However. I *do* have to get a NEW MRI's done, since things can change (and there is a strong feeling that they have, since I have new symptoms and worsening pain, etc.), and then WE'LL SEE. Ugh.

A big part of me *wants* there to be a difference on the MRI... No, not because I want to be faced with some sort of serious problem, but so that there is some sort of *actual* reasoning behind why I'm in so much pain everyday. Over the weekend, I was lucky that we were still able to go through with our Valentine's day plans. Thank GOODNESS for having a hanidcapped placard in the car, or else? Yeah, Ralph would have had to drop me off at the door both at the theatre and then again at dinner before parking the car. Yes, I was in THAT bad shape trying to friggin walk. It took me a minimum of 20-25 steps before I could even stand up all the way. =(

So, for now? I'm on Vicodin & Flexeril... which from past experiences, I might as well just take Greyson's gummy bear vitamins and feel the same effect. *sigh* OH! And if surgery isn't what's on the plate, then I'll be sent off to a pain management clinic... which is different than the pain REHABILITATION clinic that I spent 6 weeks worth of my time at, only to be discharged because improvement had plateaued. Fun, fun! At the new place, it most likely will be full of acupressure and acupuncture, pain meds, steroid injections, blah blah blah. At this point, I have lost alot of hope, simply because I have had not ONE SINGLE DAY of being pain-free (except for while on Dilaudid and Valium for pain & spasms, which, let's face it, only the ER will dish out) since July of 2007. Yeah, coming up on two friggin years of this hell... and I canNOT wish for Spring to get here fast enough, because the cold is BRUTAL on me.

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On top of all this, Greyson didn't go to sleep until after 11:30 last night, and was up at 7:45am. What?!?! Ohh, it's going to me yet another day where I MAKE him take a nap, because *I* have seminar tonight, and knowing my luck, he'll be pushing ALL of Ralph's buttons while I'm in the middle of class - or he'll be trying tto go to bed before 8pm, which will just recycle the early rising and crabbbbbbbbby kid vicious cycle all over again. *sigh* He's already had a HORRIBLE week ALL last week, and I was SO hoping that maybe this week would be different. So far, NO good.

I stil haven't finished the papers I have due tonight, which is NOT. GOOD. Obviously. So, I suppose I should be off to do just that. YUCK. Wish me luck!!! =P

The Back of My Head is NUMB.

2009-02-14T12:33:00.000-06:00

So, I've had a migraine since... um, Tuesday night? And Thursday night, the back of my head started to feel a little weird. Nothing that really freaked me out, but it was a little.. numb.

Last night, while out with my mom, I went to re-pull my hair back, and noticed that not only was it *still* numb, but it was the entire back of my head, all the way down to where the base of my skull is, and from side to side from the back of one ear to the other. So, I mention it casually to my mom, who proceeds to mildly *freak.* Joy. It never even crossed my mind, what with the pain of the migaine for dayd on end, as well as my back, neck, AND shoulders hurting without relief for a couple days, that this 'numbness' thing could even REMOTELY be anything worth mentioning - and definitely not something to have a heart attack over.

Last night became, "Let's do a WebMD symptom search,' and see what comes up. Gee, look at that. Scalp numbness can result from: migraines, neck or shoulder tension and spasms, stress, anxiety, or nerve impingement. I'm thinking that, without even THINKING about consulting a doctor I KNOW I have 5 of the 6 possibilities listed... yeah. So, no ER visits for me this weekend.

I *am* however seeing a neurologist Monday morning. SO, don't be surprised if I come home all flipped out and stressing because he mentioned the dreaded *S* word when it comes to what to do about my back problems. *breathe, Lari, BREATHE*

Yesterday, though, I talked to my Academic Advisor over the phone, and she told me (regarding the possible ss...sssurr...the S word!), to just go DO it, so I can focus on healing and rebuilding and letting my body take over actual repairs NOW than rather when I am older and have gone through even MORE pain, and the possibilities of further injury the longer I wait and the more time that passes. Well.

It makes sense. It doesn't mean that I am no longer afraid... but it *would* be better to get all "healed up" before I'm done with school, rather than have to hope that with my present condition, I could find a job once I'm done. Hmph. I *hate* when people come along and just tornado al lof what I *thought* I had already worked out. Damn.

Later, I am hoping that (at least by the times our plans start) I feel at least SOMEWHAT physically better (if not, maybe I can get some forom of pain control rockin, I don't know). Because, surprisingly, the hubby and I are going to a movie (of course, it's the new damn Friday the 13th one... LOL) and to Benihana for dinner... SUCH a better option that trying to get in at Red Lobster (which we could honestly do almost any other time) since they don't take reservations. Mmmm... hibachi. =)

So, there we go. Tomorrow, the new bed is being picked up from IKEA. The new mattress is here waiting. The brand spanking new gorgeous microsuede bedset is here. We have 3 new sets of sheets (with 2 more to be picked up, since I had to rain-check them). All I *need* to do in this whole bedroom rre-vamp is bring the dresser downstairs, put together the new DVD stand I picked up yesterday, and go pick up (no, I'm NOT kidding) *7* brand new pillows in order to replace all the ones we have. LOL

BUSY day, comfy results. I'm *really* considering picking up a contoured cervical pillow for Ralph in the hopes that, since he'll be moving back into the bedroom with the revamp (buy a new bed, get your husband back, for FREE! Heh.), but I'm afraid that he'll wind up snoring like a hippo in heat again (for some reason, the alignment of the couch relieved 99% of his snoring issues) and it will completely negate any and all progress being made with MY insomnia... since when he snores like that, I want to smother him with a pillow.

So, I guess the question is... has anyone had any luck with these pillows? You know, the curvy ones that are supposed to cradle your neck when lying on your back?? Because on his side? VERY little if ANY snoring... on his back? I can hear him from the kitchen. Upstairs. Through closed doors. UGH.

I Bet You Had No Idea...BEFORE They Picked the "Current" Bella. Heh.

2009-02-11T23:50:00.001-06:00

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Busy, Busy, Busy...

2009-02-10T04:45:00.001-06:00

Oooh, tomorrow (today??) is looking like it's gonna be a doozy.

First off, for some INSANE reason, my insurance decided that after over seven months of me taking Effexor 150s, that they needed prior authorization from my doctor. Um, WTF? I *just* had a 14-day prescription filled for it, gee, 14 days ago (I didn't get a full month's worth called in, because my doctor wanted to go over some bloodwork results with me, etc.). So on Friday, when I dropped off the Rx for a 30-day supply, that evening they called me to tell me of the pre-authorization. WAY after the doc's office was closed, so no luck until Monday. I took my LAST PILL Monday morning, and SHOCKER! Called Walgreens and things hadn't been taken care of yet. Gee. They had BETTER have it done tomorrow, or else WITHDRAWLS here I come!!

I have to call my GP (regular doc) to see if she will fax me a referral for a neurologist. I *would* go see her, but just for this would mean an hour in the car for a piece of paper to give to ANOTHER doctor. And considering that I honestly had to spend most of my day in BED because it was excrucating to even walk... yeah. Car rides (especially with me driving, since the worst of my pain is on the right side) = OUCH. It's not like I can lay back the seat and take the pressure off while tending to, oh I don't know, TRAFFIC?!?

I have to call my former college to find out A) how much money they CLAIM I owe them, so that I can have them release my transcripts to where I'm going now for my CSI degree. So, another call and another bill to pay.

I need to call around to various neurologists in the area to ensure that they even *accept* my insurance. The make an appointment, which only God knows how long it will be before I can actually GET one.

Since out-of-the-blue, MetalliDad decided he'd take me to dinner and a movie on Saturday for V-Day, I have to call the restaurant (Red Lobster) and see if I can get a reservation. I don't even know if they TAKE reservations. Hmph.

And I *still* have to finish this DAMNED paper for Criminal Law. For some reason, I just canNOT organize my thoughts regarding "the medical, psychological, and social effects placed upon the reasoning for allowing children (sometimes as young as seven) to be tried as adults, but not be given the death penalty." Well, yeah - I don't think that giving a kid the lethal injection is right - but I have to cite a minimumm of three specific law cases as reference, and turn it into a five-page-minimum paper. Yep. I haven't even gotten past the first paragraph, and it's SUPPOSED to be due Tuesday at 11:59pm. (Kaplan has such a strange schedule!)

I need to compile my first set of interview questions for a friend's hubby (who's a cop) for an interview paper that is due NEXT Tuesday (GOD, I love midterms!! *gag*).

I need to give my child at least a makeshift haircut and do a mini-photoshoot with him, because my Dad's birthday is the 11th, and my (our) gift to him is a large collage of recent photos of Grey. Which, after I take them, need to be run through Photoshop for the whole collage-y effect and such that I want... and then uploaded to WalMart. Which then means I have to GO to WalMart.

While at WalMart, I also need to pick up new curtains, our new mattress (thank GOD it's memory foam, and compressed to the absolute MAX in a box, or else my broken self would never even be able to ATTEMPT to pick up this item!!), curtain rods, look at paint and poosibly BUY said paint, buy fabric for pillows Grey & I are making for both "Daddy & Papa" for Valentine's day, pick up a journal, and get some craft foam for both making a new cover for said journal (my Aunt's gift) and to make craft-foam roses for "Gia" (my Mom).

Whew! Of course, there are also quite a few other things on my WalMart list, but I will spare you the details of listing EVERYTHING. This biggest issue here is that I promised Greyson he could come with me, so he could help pick out all the details for the materials needed to make all these V-Day projects... *sigh* I just hope I can manage to keep him away from any toys, DVDs, or computer / PS2 / Nintendo DS games while there. Otherwise, it may end in disaster for us BOTH. =P

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Out of the blue... do they make cushions for the bathtub? Not the typical "HI, I'm an inflatable pillow for you to rest your head on!" type, but like one that you can lean against AND sit on?? I have run into the dilemma, since my back/hip/everything lower body because my NERVES are being compressed, that sitting in the tub - while the heat feels fabulous - is still painful (especially after my body cools down) from sitting on the hard ass tub floor. And taking a shower? Good for cleansing, not so much for easing severe lower back pain. DAMN.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I think I need a clone. A clone of me from, say, 10 years ago. One that can do all the things that I currently no longer can. Oh! Did I mention!?!? Especially since it looks like I *may* be getting a job as a Medical Transcriptionist - where I can work from home, because why does it matter where you listen to doctors yap away and type what you hear?? =P Considering that during my stint as a medical & surgical assistant, I was the ONLY ONE IN THE OFFICE that actually wrote down the pertinent information in each patient's chart, so much so that any patient *I* handled with the doc? He didn't need to sit down and dictate anything later. Yeah, I think I know what I'm doing. Heh.

But of course, a clone would be nice... then one of us could focus on school, the other on work, and the other can run around just being physically crazy like I used to be. =)

It nearly kills me some days that I can't run around with Greyson and spend an hour on the floor with him. Thankfully, he is one of the most understanding children I have ever met (especially for his age), and knows WHY I can't, and that it's not by choice. I am thankful EVERY DAY (even the days where he acts like an ASS!) for him... I honestly don't know where I'd be without him.

And with that, it is almost 5 am. And I have yet to sleep - at ALL!!! Hooray! (Not so much. Blah.)
See you on the other side, y'all... I'm gonna *try* to catch a little shut-eye. =)

Closure... Long Distance

2009-02-04T19:47:00.023-06:00

So, this week has been a busy one, to say the least. Since my great-uncle lived so far from here (approximately an 8 hour drive through MASSIVE amounts of snow right now), we've been trying to settle everything long-distance. As it stands, they can't find a will registered up there, and with my Mom being listed as next-of-kin, there's a house, and whatever is left of his finances, etc. that all, legally, gets passed to her.

I'm guessing you can see where the problem lies now.

With it all being so far away, we have *no idea* what shape anything has been left in, or really what all is even left. Last I knew, he had a GREAT truck garaged up there, but as of right now, we have no idea if it was sold or not. And no clue as to how to even get any of the records. I mean, how do you determine what properties someone has from hundreds of miles away without a will being found?

We know that he has a now-unused plot in Chicago that he bought when my grandpa passed away... but he's being buried in Roscommon. There is the possibility that there may be a will registered here in Chicago... but how do you find out? I'm so clueless on all this, even with all the geneaology research I've done. =(

We just got the obituary taken care of yesterday, mentioning how much of friend he was of all the "woodland creatures" that he took the time to befriend over many, many years of literally living surrounded by woods. We got just as many pictures of deer, raccoons, etc. than we did of his cats - cats that he ALWAYS had at least one of for as long as even my Mom can remember.

There are so many routes to go for doing more research on him for my tree... He was intially in the Latvian army, but was captured as a P.O.W. by the German army during WWII. They forced him into the German army, and he was then captured by the British army, again being forced to fight on their side. He wound up working in a nursery in England for the army after WWII fizzed out.

I think the coolest part is that pretty much all of my Latvian relatives met in the camp. My grandma, her sister, my grandpa and great uncle, and my great uncle (that married my grandma's sister). My grandma and her sister even had a double wedding while still in the camp. There are SO many stories with that group of family members...

Does anyone have any ideas for how to go about getting records? I'm so lost here, it's making me crazy...

And Yet, Once Again, I Find Myself Saying, "Fuuuuuuuu...."

2009-02-02T13:58:00.009-06:00

So, I have not just one, but TWO papers due tomorrow night at midnight. I also just realized (you'd think I would have checked on this SOONER!) that from this point until the end of term, I have a paper due EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. for my Criminal Law class. YIKES!

Here's the problem: I *never* have trouble writing papers. Honest. But with law? I just can't seem to get my thoughts organized enough in my head to get them down on paper (or on the screen, as it may be). The last paper drove me NUTS, and now I am staring now this newest one, with less than one page done, when it needs to be 2-4 pages. And the knowledge that I have my MIDTERM paper due a week from tomorrow?

Yeah. My brain is MUSH.

And... AND! I have another FORSAKEN interview project due for my Investigations course... this time, it has to be on someone who is an ACTUAL investigator in some form. Ummm, too bad I don't KNOW anyone even CLOSELY resembling the type of person I need to interview. So this leaves me with the biggest of "duhhhhhh" loops running through my brain.

So, between weekly quizzes, pretty much weekly papers for Law, and at least BI-weekly assignments in various mediums... I'm rethinking whether I want to take up the offer I have on the table - to take not just two, but THREE classes next term, due to me making both the Dean's List and the President's List last term. As it stands, I am enrolled in a math class, as well as a class on "Terrorism Today." I think I need to look close (and HARD!) at what that next class would be before I go making any crazy, rash decisions that just might find me bouncing off the walls of my very own, personal padded cell.

And then? What am I doing instead of busting my ass to get my papers done? I'm HERE. *smacks forehead*

Just so you all understand why if I seem to be missing for a bit? It's because my textbooks ATE ME. Well, either that, or, in my stupified state, Greyson tied me to a chair and is dancing circles around me while eating all the chocolate hidden in the house.

I'm just sayin'. Heh.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...

2009-01-31T19:23:00.022-06:00

Well, just as I was starting to get convinced that 2009 truly WAS going to be much better than 2008... we got a phone call this afternoon.

My great-uncle in Roscommon, MI, passed away early this morning. We are basically the only family that he had left, and none of us had seen him since March 5th, 2005, when Ralph and I drove up there from one of his shows in Ohio on the way home to pick up a car that he GAVE me... a 1988 Monte Carlo LS, in mint condition. For nothing. And then he mailed us a $1000 check a couple weeks later as a wedding gift.

He was up there - in his 90s - and the typical "Latvian age" temper and such had gotten to him a bit... but growing up, he was nothing but generous. It was hard seeing him, even 4 years ago, because it was obvious had had at least a mild stroke already at that point. That on top of a heavy accent that never left, and Ralph honestly understood almost none of what he said to him.

I feel like SHIT. I was an absolute slacker, and hadn't gotten a letter or photos to him in FOREVER, and now it's too late. I'm trying to be comforted by the fact that most of it probably wouldn't have registered much anyhow, since he had had a few strokes, and wasn't always "connected" - but then I am smacked by the fact that, whenever the chaplin at his nursing home would call us so that he could actually talk to some family, that the chaplin would relay the fact that "I love you"s brought tears to Uncle's eyes... I should have done more. I just SHOULD have.

So the family has just been cut down by one more member... and like another member of the "family" said... all the Latvians that she and my mom grew up around are gone now, and it's like the torch is being passed down to them, and how much that scares her. I can't even begin to tell you how much that scares me, too. Because I have had to dance with my dad's mortality way too many times than I care to remember, and the fact that I see him in his bed everyday, in the same spot he was the last time I looked at him, doesn't help solidify anything other than that, either.

So, 2009 couldn't even bother to let us have a death-free first month. If you all only knew how much I'm hoping that means that the rest will be spotless since it came on early...

Looking Forward to A Doctor's Visit?

2009-01-30T02:06:00.002-06:00

I'm SO tired of this... the insomnia is back full-force, as you can see by my random before-dawn postings. I have an appointment at noon with my psych to discuss meds and such, and SO desperately need sleep medication AGAIN. The biggest problem is that none of the "traditional" sleep prescriptions work for me - never have - and with the last meds I was put on while at the pain clinic, I was adjusting to the doses at an alarming rate, having to increase the dosages and add "extra" meds every week to two weeks. It's unreal. It's like my body just plain doesn't produce the chemicals needed to sleep, normally, all on my own AT ALL anymore. =(

So, I've been doing a bit of research, mainly for fibromyalgia, and found one that is actually on the recommended list for people with fibro to take for sleep disorders, even though it's typically given for narcolepsy. I know, I thought, "Why the hell would you give someone with narcolepsy a tranquilizer?" but I guess it works somehow... and it's supposed to work well for fibro-related insomnia and such. I guess we'll see what the reaction is by the doc tomorrow when I bring that up to her. Maybe I should print out the article...???

So, the point is, I can't sleep. I'm back to living on about 20 hours of sleep a WEEK again, and on top of it all, Greyson's behavior and being PMS-y is NOT a good combination. My cycle is ALL jacked up, even with being on Seasonique, and I've NEVER had this problem before.

WARNING, TOTAL TMI BELOW!! lol

So, I wound up with a 16-day period. Seriously. In the middle of a three-month pack of Seasonique. And now? I'm on the "placebo pill" week, and PRAYED that maybe, I wouldn't get it since, hello? More than two weeks of bleeding that only ended two weeks ago? But no... sadly, I'm bleeding, and rather heavily.

So, I'm also trying to find any medication interactions that may have caused this, and have found NONE. Zip, zero. I had a COMPLETELY normal pap and such done about 3 months ago, so I have no idea what is jacking my system up, other than maybe a new symptom of the fibromyalgia - it's just that I haven't found ANYTHING to back up this suspicion.

And now... my right eye is clouding over. There must be something stuck to my contact.
Fab-u-lous.

I suppose I should head to bed now - after washing out my friggin' eye. LOL

A Step in the Right Direction

2009-01-29T10:17:00.020-06:00

As many of you know, my Dad is a quadriplegic. He suffered a devastating fall, here in the house, in June of 2006, fracturing three vertebrae in his neck, and compressing his spinal cord. Within three days, he underwent two surgeries to stabilize his cervical vertebrae and to release the pressure on his spinal cord, after being airlifted to Milwaukee's Spinal Cord Injury Unit at Froedert Hospital.

He spent three months in the hospital, undergoing rigorous physical therapy in order to restore as much function as possible. He came home able to walk short distances with assistance, but unable to do many things such as feed himself without assistance - the fine motor skills just weren't up to par. Sure, he had some, but the technical aspects of many tasks never really were restored. Plus, he tired very easily, and suffered from severe muscle spasms as a result of his injury.

As of today, he has spent the last two years completely bedridden. Not long after returning home did his injuries take a turn for the worse, with instability prompting a couple very minor falls. After being hospitalized one time and not receiving the physical therapy he needed, things got worse. He wound up in a nursing home for approximately a month, and received NO therapy while there. He came home, got into bed... and never left.

For this reason, I have been an advocate of stem cell research, and its promising studies on repairing spinal cord injuries. On January 23rd, the FDA finally approved the first clinical trials of stem-cell injection for spinal cord injuries in human studies.

Nature: Stem Cell Research Gets the Go Ahead

Though most likely, this development will never impact my Dad and the prediction of his condition, it may very well be the precursor to many, many others never having to suffer the absolute collapse of their world, in our case, from a trip and fall in a narrow hallway. This is one area of the world that I will be keeping a close, excited, but still weary eye upon.

Duuuuude...

2009-01-29T02:00:00.007-06:00

Why is it that I actually fell asleep, only to wake 3 hours later feeling like it was *really* time to get up?

How is it that my Criminal Law professor thinks it's okay to have an essay due every two weeks... including the week before midterms?

WHY oh WHY do I have to complete ANOTHER interview for school, the second term in a row?

My migraine is gone. At least *that's* a bonus.

Greyson is making me want to either put him in a closet or bury myself in a snow drift. God knows there enough snow to accomplish the latter, but I'm not sure on room in a closet for the first part.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lately, Grey has found ALL the right (WRONG) buttons to push. He honestly has been acting like a completely different child, and brought me to TEARS earlier, all because of how horrible his behavior had been all day (and the previous few days). While he watched me cry (which I honestly HATE, but my GOD, he was bad!) he told me, "You're not a very good actor." WTF?!? I then folllowed up with, :So you think Mommy isn't really feeling this sad? Doesn't it make you feel bad that you made Mommy cry?" His response: "Actually, I feel pretty good right now." Gonna strangle him. Not really. But I can in my head, right?

He is *seriously* plagued by cabin fever, or SOMETHING, because the mood swings are just BEYOND anything I've ever seen come out of this boy. He has taken on an alter-ego, "Greysop", taken from an accidental name-typing on one of his games. Greysop is the BAD child, while my sweet little Greyson would NEVER act this way. I wish I knew where GreysoN was hiding.

Ugh... it seems to be a once-a-month thing, like the child has PMS. One week out of a month, he is a holy terror, hell-on-wheels demon child. No remorse, no pre-thinking, just all mouth and attitude. And then, he returns to his original, sweet self. I think I might share some Midol. Heh.

Feel Like I've Been Beaten...

2009-01-28T13:21:00.021-06:00

So, we went to see Metallica last night. The first time I've seen them live in, literally, 10 years almost to the DAY.

Is it wrong (or maybe just even pathetic) that when "Ecstacy of Gold" started playing, I teared up? It is?! Oh, hell.

Anyways... my opinion that James Hetfield has only gotten better as he's gotten older has been solidified. Seriously. That man's voice was ON last night, and I couldn't have been happier with a return to the live viewings after so long.

We took the Munchkin. Yes, I know. A three year old at a Metallica concert. But, HEY! He was a two year old at an Iron Maiden concert, and a one year old at a Ted Nugent concert, so why not? At least this time, we actually let him have a SEAT, instead of just migling amidst the crazies down on the pit floor. =P

Apparently, the highlight of the show for him last night is "the guy who was playing his guitar so much that he fell over and DIED." Yeah. At one point, Rob Trujillo was the sole member on stage, in the dark, with a spot on him, while he played and played and slowly... collapsed... to his knees... and then flat onto his back, bass splayed out across his torso. And at that point? Greyson grabbed my arm and exclaimed, "OH MY GOD MOM! He DIED!" Riot. He had a blast all around... until he fell asleep a minute from the end of the third-to-last song, and completely slept through Nothing Else Matters (OH! Was I happy they played it! C'mon - the notes and lyrics from the song decorated my wedding cake for God's sake!) and half of Ralph's "all time favorite" (snicker) Enter Sandman. At that point, it was 11pm, and I knew they'd be wrapping it up, so I decided, well, let's beat the crowd WHILE CARRYING A SLEEPING DEAD WEIGHT OF A CHILD and just leave now.

Yep, hit the lobby, and we heard them close the show. Now, I'm not stupid, and I know that they did an encore... but beating out the swarms to be able to actually leave the parking lot within five minutes of getting in the car? Worth missing.

GOD, I'm such a MOM. LOL

SO, to the part where I feel like someone kicked my ASS at the show? I am SORE today. Even with having seats, of course, everyone was standing... so that meant Grey hopping from parent to parent in order to see better, and a full-on course of "Nooooo! Don't LIFT him!!!" on my screaming back. Add to that the fact that Walgreens for SOME reason couldn't (or more like just plain DIDN'T) contact my doc for a refill on my Effexor for two days, and I'm just hitting the beginnings of withdrawls... Thankfully, I got to pick them up TODAY, but they of course have yet to hit my system and tell it to wake the hell UP because, HELLOOO? Drugs in system again, k? =P

Needless to say... no matter how much I feel like hell today? It was SO worth it. Being able to see my overall favorite band on the planet perform live again after so long? Check. Being able to share the experience with my mini-me of a rocker son? Check. Having one more awesome experience to file away so that I can say I really *didn't* have a completely lame life when I look back from my 80s? MAJOR CHECK. Heh.

SON OF A...

2009-01-23T00:15:00.000-06:00

Ohhh, am I pissed! I decided to work on changing my blog up a bit, a little at a time (y'all can see the beginning of the progress - LOL), and it transferred everything over BEAUTIFULLY...

EXCEPT THAT EVERY. SINGLE. ENTRY. WAS DELETED FROM MY BLOGROLL.

The *title* was still there... but there were no links. No blogs. NADA.

So, if you read here, PLEASE leave a comment for me so I can re-add you... You have no idea how LONG it took me to compile that *special* list of blogs that I read faithfully... and now, except for a VERY select few (real-life friends, for the most part), I don't remember the exact web addresses to save my LIFE.

GAH! All this and I *still* have to finish my PowerPoint on evidence collection types and collection, do the grocery shopping tomorrow, clean MASSIVELY for dinner company coming on Saturday, bake a from-scratch cheesecake, make a MASSIVE version of my 100%-from-scratch Stuffed Chicken Marsala for dinner Saturday afternoon for dinner that night, we're going OUT that night to see the Hubby's old band play, Sunday I'm supposed to bake a recipe that I'm entering into the Betty Crocker dessert contest (DUDE, 1st prize is 5K!), and we're going to Metallica on Tuesday.

I think I need a drink just re-reading all the SHIT I have to get done in the next handful of days.

Fuuuuck. Good thing Xanax is my favorite palindrome. Heh. =P

Doing a Little Happy Dance...

2009-01-21T08:56:00.000-06:00

Well, a sleepy one, at least, since I only slept from 2:30-4am, and Greyson decided that it was perfectly OKAY to only sleep from 9pm-6am. And yes, this is STILL with no nap.

BUT!! Ha ha!! I finished my DAMNED Criminal Law paper - ON TIME! Hooyah!

Now I just need to have a PowerPoint presentation done by this coming Tuesday on various types of evidence and the techniques utilized for collection of each... but it's NOT. A. LAW. PAPER! =P

I am so ready for the nap that I *guaranteed* Greyson he was taking in, oh, about an hour... especially since this afternoon needs to be one of accomplishment with a trip to Kmart and then some grocery shopping. *sigh*

Seriously?

2009-01-19T22:39:00.002-06:00

At 9pm, Greyson asked me to make him ANOTHER grilled cheese sandwich. That's what he had at lunchtime today.

Oh, and did I mention that the child ate all but ONE rob from an entire half-rack? YEAH.

Growth spurt here we come!

He looked HILARIOUS before bed, though because his torso looked like this:

( ) <-- shoulders

<-- chest
( )
( ) <-- BIG ol' BUDDHA belly
<-- hips and legs

ROFLMAO!!!

So today's meals were comprised of:
*4* pancakes and 2 sausage links with a glass of OJ
A juice box and a handful of pretzels
3/4 of a whole grain grilled cheese sandwich with a glass of milk
2 more friggin juice boxes LOL
Almost an entire half-rack of ribs, a portion of green beans, a *little* bit of mac & cheese, and a small salad with a glass of water

I obviously did NOT give into making a second sandwich RIGHT before bed! LOL

I think someone else's child traded stomachs with Greyson's!! =P

By the way... I realized as I changed him for bed (after looking at the tags in his Scooby Doo pj's TWICE) that, yes, even though I had to TUG the bottom edge of the shirt down to cover his tummy and his pants needed NO pinning whatsoever... they are, indeed, a Boy's size 4. *sigh* This on a child who wore PREEMIE clothing and diapers for almost the first month of his life after being born FULL TERM with no complications. Yikes.

This is What Avoidance Results In...

2009-01-19T16:18:00.003-06:00

So... I *really* didn't want to work on my paper anymore quite yet... and I think I'm finally happy with a new logo / signature THING.

Graphic design - 1. Criminal Law doctrine discussion - 0.

Pretty, yes? =P

I Can Finally Take a SMALL Breath...

2009-01-19T13:45:00.000-06:00

Last night I was able to plow through all but the introduction, my *opinion* section, and conclusion of my forsaken law paper... oh, and the STUPID APA references page. But! I have the general "meat" portion accomplished. Hooray!

Greyson has been a bit of an eating machine since yesterday... which, if you've followed any of my previous entries that have contained commentary on his eating habits (I think my CATS eat more than he does on any given day), is UNREAL. Yesterday? THREE ACTUAL MEALS, plus a few *tiny* snacks. BUT! THREE MEALS! It's completely unheard of, and I honestly don't think he's eaten anything even closely resembling that much food in one day in MONTHS. Eek. If he's entering a growth-spurt period, I seriously hope that it's an "out" spurt, and not another "up" spurt... because seriously y'all? He's over 3'3" and only weighs (at the beginning of December) 28 pounds. Yeah. My life as referenced to his wardrobe consists ENTIRELY of praising the people that created those nifty ass adjustable waistbands for toddler sizes and the smaller of the actual boys' sizes. Because, honestly? I'm not bothering with anything smaller than a boy's size 4 anymore... especially since I've discovered more and more places that offer *4 SLIM*. I owe them much praise because it saves me money (and punctured fingertips!) since I no longer have to safety pin the HELL out of the back of his pants anymore.

Well, unless we get track pants... then, it's a WHOLE other story. *sigh* Why oh WHY do they not have drawstrings?!?!

Anyhow, the boy must be growing again. And his mood has been pretty consistent, hovering in the "pleasant zone" for about a week now, which is allowing the small patches of hair that I'm SURE I ripped out during his absolute insanity phases to grow back. Heh.

Actually, one more thing in regards to the Munchkin... I was pretty much called a LIAR when I posed a question to a group of other moms of children born within a month or so of Greyson regarding reading and writing. The fact that I stated that he has been reading and spelling words for a few months now, and has begun *really* getting into CORRECTLY and LEGIBLY writing his letters was essentially attacked, as the woman who responded "highly doubted that ANY child this age can actually read, and especially not spell, unless it's a case of memorization."

Hmm. Well, let's see. A trip to the grocery store has him reading the labels on boxes, cans, and signs. Spending time on the computer consists of him either typing out words entirely on his own, or eliciting a very small amount of help to break down the sounds within a word in order to spell it, again, himself. He showed nothing less that ecstacy when he wrote the word "MOM" on a piece of paper for me, with no prompting whatsoever.

But I'm a liar, apparently. But she DID follow up with a comment on IF he IS actually able to do those things, then BRAVO - especially since he's a BOY. And then I was "scolded" to make sure that I was not PUSHING these things on him. Thank GOD it was not an in-person conversation... I think SOMEONE would have been tasting pavement.

WTF. YES, I know, "statistically," boys are a bit slower to pick up on the language aspects of life. But C'MON. Because MY son happens to have these abilities at this age, does it really have to be approached with scrutiny and sarcasm?! THIS is the reason I rarely discuss what he can do... because, y'all, I've been there myself. In Kindergarten, I was told, FLAT OUT, by the woman doing the screenings that I COULD NOT READ. And yet, at that point in time, I had been taking over for my TEACHER in circle time reading because she had come down with laryngitis. Bah.

I think I'm done complaining... for now. I have *never* intended a single word regarding what my child can (or canNOT) do as bragging. Hell, he's still not potty-trained. Getting there? Yes. In underwear? HELL NO. I guess I just don't understand why some people feel that they are friggin' experts regarding what everyone ELSE'S kids abilities are. *sigh*

On a slightly different note, I feel like we have been hit by a heat wave here in Chicago - merely because the temps are above zero, and have actually reached the double digits here and there. We've seen the TEENS, people! LOL After LAST week's plunge into -237941 degree weather, you would have thought that the deep freeze was gonna hang around for a lot longer than just a week.

I suppose I really *should* return to working on finishing up that fantabulous waste of brain cells called Criminal Law. For some reason, I just wish the universe would hear me whenever I announce that I only want to be a peon CSI - not a FRIGGIN' attorney.

Dear god... I may be able to argue and debate my way through almost any topic, but the education for law school? Yep... can't argue worth a damn when all that's left of your head is an exploded stump of goo. Heh.

XOXOXOXO

BY THE WAY!! I am currently trying to come up with a new "signature" deal for the end of my posts, since the recent redo just isn't quite living up to my standards. Good idea in my head, looks like crap on screen, IMO. So, if anyone has any ideas, feel free to leave them in the comments! THANKS! *muah*

My Brain is Twitching From TOO MUCH LAW.

2009-01-16T15:57:00.002-06:00

So... this term for school I have Criminal Law and Criminal Investigations. Not only did classes JUST start on the 7th, but I already have an essay due on Tuesday for Law. On statutory rape. And mens rea. BUT! Mens rea doesn't APPLY to statutory rape statutes because it qualifies as a Strict Liability charge.

Wha?!?

This class has me spinning in virtual circles every. single. time. I log in to class, whether it be to simply check the message boards, or to actually ATTEND a seminar. I have just been notified that, apparently, the sheer presence of a controlled substance in your vehicle, home, aircraft, WHATEVER, does NOT necessarily qualify for a possession charge. Huh. Who knew. So, from this information, I'm guessing that I could go purchase a pair of shoes, hide some pot in the soles, and then claim that I had NO idea that it was there, since I just bought them. And quite possibly WIN. What a frickin' riot.

Anyhow, I have NO clue as to how to even APPROACH this paper. ME. Who is typically known for my absolutely verbose and detailed essays on any given topic. I'm LOST. How do I explain the details of mens rea (and WHY!?!) if it really doesn't even have anything to do with the specific charge I am supposed to be discussing? And I cannot for the life of me figure out what, if ANYTHING, is the actual classifier for strict liability, other than the fact that it makes certain charges "stick" better than if they were processed through the more traditional mens rea.

Have I made YOUR head spin yet?

Maybe I'm lucky enough to have a lawyer as one of my readers?

WHAT AM I THINKING? What lawyer would read THIS drivel? Heh.

So, off I twirl back into the land of holyfuckincrap because this is due in T-minus 4 days. JOY!

A Tribute... to my distant relative via marriage, and his final song which summarizes SO much it brings me to tears...

2009-01-13T22:55:00.000-06:00

C-O-L-D

2009-01-13T16:02:00.002-06:00

Oh..... How glad am I that I go to college online? And that the house is pretty well stocked?

Words cannot describe how desperately determined I am to NOT leave the house for ANY reason in the next week.

Why? Because currently, not only are we under a blizzard warning - not so much because we are expecting THAT much snow, but because of the brutal einds anticipated to make it a near white-out condition - but it is also -14 DEGREES OUTSIDE. And I'm not including wind chill.

Tomorrow? Somewhere around -18.

Thursday? -24.

This trend is going to continue through NEXT THURSDAY. Meaning I have NO choice but to deal with Greyson's severe cabin fever because HELLO?!? I am NOT venturing out into this arctic CRAP unless under serious duress. Like I or someone in my family would have to be DYING. Eek.

So, to toast to feeling like I have teleported from Chicago to the Arctic Circle sometime as I slept, here's my new buddy, the penguin. I have a feeling I just might see one waddling through my backyard in the next few days.

Ouuuuuuuch.

2009-01-10T11:19:00.002-06:00

It really bites the big one when you burn the bejeezus out of your wrist while attempting to take one of the world's largest pizzas out of the oven. Mmm. Burnt flesh on the inside of the oven door. Bravo.

It bites EVEN MORE when, in the middle of a sleepy haze, you reach over and scratch said burn WITH LONG FINGERNAILS to the point of scraping half the burnt skin off of a burn that is literally the size of a LARGE thumbprint.

Now it not only looks like someone with hands o' fire grabbed my wrist and left their very own, patented thumbprint scorch mark right about where the face of my watch would be (could I actually WEAR one with this mass of damage), but there's a big lovely RAW patch right smack in the middle of it all. YUM! (gag)

Not only is it just as painful as it was the moment it happened all over again, but it woke me up from the wonders of sleep since I decided to go all Freddy Krueger on myself while only half-conscious. Now THAT'S what I call fun!

And the kicker of it all? Just last night before bed did I remove the "I look like a suicide attempt" gauze bandage from around my wrist. Irony, much??

Ugh.

In Stitches!

2009-01-07T13:07:00.002-06:00

If you have any time to waste... any at ALL... You need to check out The Hillywood Show!!

I have been in absolute PAIN from laughing so hard... These two girls are a riot, and manage to make a show seriously competitive even with the likes of MadTV and SNL. Honest.

Helps if you are a fan of Johnny Depp, as well... seeing as though a VERY large number of their shows are based on various Depp movies and characters.

Not only that, but the next episode looks to be a Dark Knight parody. Also in the making is, as seen on the main page, a Twilight episode. NICE.

So, go! Check them out already!!!

2009! What a Difference the Date Makes!

2009-01-06T16:08:00.000-06:00

I have gunning toward 2009 forEVER now, it seems. Nothing could be a better idea; let's change the year and hopefully, in return, change the streams of bad luck that were not only bombarding myself and my family in torrential distress, but also those surrounding me. Everywhere I turned, it seemed as though something about the otherwise harmless numbers "2008" simply had it in for anyone and everyone within my territorial bubble. 2009 just could NOT have come fast enough...

And now it is here. Maybe it was the mental preparations, or the simple determination that, OH no, 2009 would NOT be as terrible as the past year had been... but so far, so good. Even the APPROACH to the new year was lighter and happier than the previous, say, 360 days. Even though we have all been relishing in the distinct difference surrounding our personal situations now as compared to a month ago or so, I am catching myself feeling like a dog who has been kicked one too many times - even when in good hands, any sudden movement quickly causes a severe flinch and duck response while waiting for that constant abuse to sneak its way in from just beyond my peripheral view.

The last Monday of the year, Ralph got not one but THREE envelopes in the mail from the Department of Unemployment Security. Hmm. Since we had been waiting on pins and needles for over three months while fighting out the appeal process regarding his denial of unemployment payment, I decided that, hell! He could kick my ass about opening his mail later that day - three envelopes (two of which were identical) from this specific place warranted me intervening on the sealed envelopes in my hand.

After opening the first one, I got almost adrenaline sick... the appeal process had FINALLY gone through, and I was staring at a *great* deal of money. Well, it was a large sum to *us*, especially considering that we were completely incomeless for a good, solid two months, anyways. Needless to say, I was on the phone calling Ralph at work within minutes, leaving him a voicemail about how he needed to call me NOW when he didn't pick up. Heh.

And just a few days previous to this? My mom got a bit of a chunk from the school district (seeing as though she is *officially* on unpaid leave until her disability CRAP goes through) after they re-calculated her salary according to contract and the exact number of days across the year that she worked. WhatEVER the reasoning, though - didn't matter much around here! All it meant was that she actually had a bit more money again, something that was a BIG sigh of relief - especially since she, too, was extremely stressed due to Ralph's job loss and the financial implications that trounced on top of my entire family because of all that junk.

We were able to catch up with the car payments. We found ourselves able to actually buy Greyson some pretty kick-ass Christmas gifts (even if it WAS after Christmas *officially*). He actually still has one BIG one coming via the friendly UPS man sometime within the next few weeks. We have been able to purchase tickets for the three of us to go see Metallica later this month (without the "extra" money, there is NO WAY we could have afforded it - and by golly, I was BENT that I thought I would have to wait even MORE time beyond the 10 years that it has been since I have seen them in concert last!).

In general, things just plain haven't seemed as dire as they did less than a month ago. We were even able to have a *good* New Year's Eve together, as a family, for the first time since Ralph and I have been together - all because he didn't have a NYE show for the FIRST time in four years, and the fact that WOW! We could actually relax a little and enjoy ourselves and the company of others without first having to worry about whether or not we'd even be able to afford the gas to not only drive TO Chicago, but home again later that night. We took Greyson along with us to spend time with "the BAND" outside of an actual "work"-type setting, where everyone could just kick back and play music and not have to worry about what impact it was having on, say, the income of the night. Greyson got to sing his little Metalhead heart out to some crankin' Iron Maiden and Judas Priest tunes (though I have to openly admit that he knows and loves Iron Maiden MUCH more than Priest... SO much so that I'm thinking I may have to stage an intervention for the child). All in all, everyone had a blast, and it was nice to be able to just get out and have a night without worries.

I've also been enjoying the little stretch of "vacation" that I have had from school... though it ends Wednesday evening already. I made it out of last term carrying a 4.0 GPA, but next in line are courses in Criminal Investigations as well as Criminal Law (and might I add that my Criminal Law textbook? DIRE. lol The thing is PACKED front to back with case after case, scenario after scenario... who would have thought that I'd be going into the field of LAW in any respect anyways?!?). I've revelled in knowing that I didn't have an essay waiting to pounce on me lurking around the corner, or an interview that I had to complete, or a proposal that didn't need finalization creeping up on me. As much as I honestly *love* being back in school, a bit of breathing room was definitely needed after returning from such a long, unexpected stray from my secondary education!

While things have been easier, I can't say that it's all been a walk in the park. I have been sick pretty much since Thanksgiving, with a little bit of let-up between two MASSIVE colds, the first of which turned into walking pneumonia. Ralph had his dose of this latest bug, and Greyson is still wrangling with his own little mutation of it, as well. Luckily, he has started rebounding enough that I didn't have to take him into the doctor... there really wasn't anything that I was sure they would be able to do differently than I have already been doing in regards to him being sick. Fluids, Delsym, and some lovely Triaminic... pretty much all it's taken. That, and him sleeping for *14 hours straight* a couple nights ago... BOY, I didn't see THAT one coming! I think that's a feat that's only been accomplished *maybe* twice before... even with him giving up on naps, he still generally only gets around 10-11 hours a night.

The cold weather is NO friend to my fibromyalgia, and I have been discharged from physical therapy, seeing as though progress had definitely plateaued. Nothing but surgery will eliminate the herniation issues in my back, but I *did* get x-ray confirmation, at least, that there isn't anything structurally "off" going on in my neck... well, other than an extra cervical vertebra. Nice! LOL

I've also been having a... WOMAN problem. Heh. Not that it's ANYTHING to laugh about. See, now with the birth control pills I am on, I should only have to deal with Aunt Flo visiting me once every three months... fabulous, right? NOT when she shows up six weeks early and hangs out for... let's see, it's been *17 days* now?!?!?!? OHHHH yeah. She and I are NOT on good terms anymore. I'm starting to think that I'm gonna be dealing with her nonsense all the way through to the end of this friggin' pill pack. Which would mean a good, oh, MONTH long fiesta? SO need to get my ass into the doctor on that ALONE... not to mention the fact that the medication I take to make me sleep is no longer working as it should, and I need to transfer the management of my insomnia into the hands of one of my other doctors now that I am no longer going to the Pain Clinic. Whew. Too much medical crap to deal with... like always. At least I have insurance to deal with all the behind-the-scenes nonsense that would otherwise come out of it all!

So, that's the last... um... TIME SINCE I BLOGGED LAST in a nutshell. While SO many things have at least a touch of a silver lining, some still just haven't changed. The good part of that is that with the medical stuff? It's pretty much to a point where no news is GOOD news, so the fact that I'm not typing this from a hospital bed somewhere post-op is a breath of fresh air.

How has 2009 been treating you?!?! I've missed everyone!!!

Randomness Beyond Bounds

2008-12-23T00:21:00.000-06:00

So, I haven't had much to say in a while - or rather, not much to say in the actual form of words. My thoughts lately have been centered around a mass of mumbles, grumbles, whimpers, tears, growls, and sometimes the general hollow ringing of an infrequently empty shell of a mind.

Christmas is now, by the time on the clock, officially in TWO F'IN DAYS. Do you know what we have accomplished in regards to this mockery of a holiday?
Dinner: Every last bit and piece STILL at the store. Recipes to be rifled through to make my final determinations as to *which 6* (yes, 6) different cheesecakes I will be making for Christmas. Greyson has yet to see Santa, because the night we were *supposed* to go, it decided to DOWNPOUR. I couldn't evenget good photos of the light displays because it was raining THAT hard - I have water orbs filling the entrire foreground of every single shot. Since that night, the weather here in Chicago has gone WONKY. It rained ICE, then it froze solid layers of it over our cars that I had to bust through on a FREEZING ASS COLD morning last Monday to get to the Pain Clinic - to be told that, YES, the x-rays on my neck show no structural abnormalities (other than the extra vertebra which in turn causes an extra curve where my thoracic meets the cervical), so *we are discharging you from physical therapy, even though your averages on the pain scale have only decreased by about 1.5. Go. Me. *thwack*
Oh, and the presents? *insert maniacal laughter here* Not only am I in possession only ONE DS game, ONE pair of pants, and a digital microscope for Greyson, but I have NO cards, and the 'Christmas Letters' that I was going to send out to friends and family? The paper is still in the package, along with the envelopes, in my filing cabinet drawer. Heh. They have officially decided to become "New Year's Letters" due to a case of 'Momma is in a Funk-dom'.
We are planning the *food* shopping portion of Christmas today (Tuesday), as well as (hopefully) taking Grey to see Santa. Though I'm trying to calculate in my head if we should attempt to finish gift shopping today, and Santa tomorrow... I don't know exactly what the final stats will be until I though the idea out to my Mom.
BUT! You wanna hear the *fun* part? Here's me, and my mom, with a cane from a bad foot and ankle after three separate surgeries on it, after being dumped on by layer upon layer of ice and snow to what is literally about waist-high on Greyson... with a snowblower whose auger has chosen to stop turning. In all this mess, the hubby tried to just PUSH the snow with it, and slipped the chains off one of the tires. And then left it at that. Neither car is in the driveway, because if we could get them in... we probably wouldn't be able to get them out.
I was carrying Greyson in from the car late Saturday night (after driving for TWO HOURS to get home from my SIL's house, when my foot slipped and I thought we were both going down. Luckily, I stayed standing, but I had a sheer streak of pain go burrowing not only down my leg, but all the way across my lower back to the previously UNaffected side. Today, again, I thought I was gonna wind up on my ass out there, because the snow HAS NOT EVEN BEEN SHOVELED!
I think someone's waiting for Suzy Snowflake to bring her little elves or some shit, because I sure as FUCK am not shoveling all the goddamn snow with pieces of disc sticking out every which way from between my vertebrae!
So, of course, since being discharged from treatment? Yeah, I've been HURTING. My GOD, have I. The cold is NO friend to someone with fibromyalgia, and since it never rose out of the negative digits yesterday, nor above zero today... Eeeeeeh. Not happy.
I *am* finished* with this term of classes, FINALLY. I lost 2 friggin points on my PowerPoint final because? I put too much information into each of the slides. Oooookay. I was simply *trying* to meet the "10-slide" format we were given... and STILL went over by 4 slides. Oh well - class grade going from 100% to a 99%? So there, and I don't give a damn.
My second class? Yeah... she said she would have my final paper graded within 24 hours after she sent me a message that she received it...on THURSDAY. Still don't have it, still don't know my final grade. *hiss*

Greyson has become a Christmas elf, and is hoarding any and all cards that come in the mail, with an OOH and an AHH and a jubilant burst of "It says MERRY CHRISTMAS!" when he finds one that he can read. I think he has about 10 in his little pile that just HAS to stay together - so 'Gia' told him we could hang them all up tomorrow.
Me? I'd rather just stay in my hidey-hole of warmth in bed where there's no further risk of injuring myself.

How SAD is that? I feel like I'm an at impasse - I'm stuck. I feel trapped by the weather, because my God, if I were to take one bad fall on the ice? I might not be able to get back up again. My son? I personally cannot do a DAMN thing about gifts for Christmas. I am just sitting and *waiting* to hear back from this job (as a corrections officer - how funny is THAT?), but that's all I can do on that right now, too. I feel completely stalled every direction I turn, and my brain is in overdrive, I *think* from the strenuous activities of finsihing these intense, accelerated-pace college classes. Some days it's hard to turn all that off, and then I wind up researching different methods of evidence recovery, or the stages of rigor and livor mortis, for no explainable reason. I actually found myself researching the why and how of Santa Claus. Did I *need* to know? Absolutely not - but my brain is so geeked-out by this learning again that I literally cannot stop it sometimes.

Greyson has reassured us on several occassions lately about how he IS going to be a doctor when he grows up, with reinforcements of his knowledge about how he KNOWS what is wrong with Mommy's back "see, she has bad discs, down here, between the BONES" and about how "HE can then change Papa's trach for him and help him breathe better with the suction catheter." YES, he knows all these words, and knows the reasons behind them. He wants to "discuss science" every night at bedtime, prying from Mommy every bit of science and medical information I can transform into a three year old's sense of being. He know knows about his ribs, and his skull, and what they protect, about his heart and lungs and what their functions are... We have noted on the differences between hearing your voice from the inside as opposed to from the outside, and he knows that your voice is based on your larynx.

I think he really IS gunning towards a medical degree. Already. Look out, Doogie Howser!!

Actually, shortly after the new year, he will be scheduled for a developmental evaluation by our school district,so that we can save him a spot in their public preschool in the fall. Meanwhile, I am going to look into as MANY extracurriculars as I can for him through to then, because this kid NEEDS stimulation and input - and GYMNASTICS. He is a certified MONKEY, and has started to try and climb the insides of our doorframes, can climb up to my shoulders from the floor (and then proceed to KNEEL on my shoulders once up there)... He's tall, and he's all lean muscle. And nothing but ENERGY OHMYGOD. Nobody warned me about the ATTITUDE that comes with turning three - looking back, two was a BREEZE. I have honestly threatened to wash his mouth out with soap on a couple occassions. It just will NOY fly in my house... especially since last week's dinner out turned into me being "the mom with THAT kid" as I carried him out of the restaurant kicking and screaming. I am completely honest when I tell you that he has NEVER, in his LIFE, acted that way in public before. I was absolutely embarrassed beyond my limits and ashamed of what had just erupted like Mt. St. Helen's from my little boy. Yeow.

My stress level is UP, so my sleep level is DOWN again. Not even a little dosing with the Ambien made it over that chasm that gets ripped open whenever my stress levels skyrocket. I do so hope that, maybe, with the drink I am going to pour myself, I will *finally* get some rest tonight. After all, I have to be a WonderMom tomorrow and tackle three days' worth of activity into ONE.

Have I mentioned my stress? Heh.

MIGRAINES. SUCK.

2008-12-13T01:05:00.000-06:00

Aaaaand what *really* sucks is when your non-napping 3 year old son wakes up after only *9* hours of sleep and stays awake for the next 15 hours STRAIGHT.

You'd be tired, right? Heh.

Too bad that is when my migraine decided to come back. Along with a pretty massive backache (thanks, Doc, for taking me off my muscle relaxants! REALLY. You're TOO kind.) - GAH.

So, here I am... Stuck because the medication I've been on for sleep hasn't been working all too fantabulously for a while now, and I don't see THAT particular doc again until Monday. And I can't even go all "free-base" (LOL) and take extra, because then I won't have any AT. ALL.

Yeah, me!!

At least the toilet flushes again without spewing forth gallons of PUTRIDITY into the *laundry room for God's sakes* again. That? Yeah, THAT would make my skull *completely* crack in two - instead of just feeling like it is. Fun.

Of course, I don't think the pain would be much different. Damn. Then I'd have something to at least blame the damn headache ON. *sigh*

Did I mention YEAH ME!!!???!?!

I did?

Damn.

Secret Santa... Can SUCK IT!

2008-12-11T12:29:00.000-06:00

Okay, first off... doesn't that title just make you all warm and fuzzy inside? Ha!!

So, Bee at Bee's Musings decided that, since this year has been OH so less-than-spectacular, and the majority of us are, well, POOR AS DIRT this holiday season, that a gift exchange of new proportions should evolve... A "post the photos of the gifts you'd give if you actually ~~cared~~ had the money to do so."

Well, Jormengrund, you've been lucky enough to get yours truly as your Secret ~~Satan~~ Santa! Heh.

So, to start off your extravagant gifts aplenty, how about we address your affinity to, um, try and bust everyone else's balls by being just a *little* ahead of schedule with your jumping-the-gun activities...

That's right... a CALENDAR. You know, so maybe you can remember what day it is - with the threat of, well, "Animals That Will Kill Your A$$." Heh.

Or, if it's an abundance of freetime that's causing you to rush to completion...

You can just POP your way into submission of the actual date!! ROFL (I think I might want one of these myself!! Woo!)

On a lighter note, Christmas just canNOT be complete without an appropriate tree:

Decked out with enough lights to make you require optic surgery...

And let's not forget, a special ornament to mark the year that has passed.

NOTHING sums up this past year like an octopus smothering the world in all its tentacley warmth. Am I right?? *chuckle*

Now, we don't want to forget the wife and kids on this momentous occassion, so how about something the whole family can share?

Yum! I know for me, there's absolutely nothing that rings in the close of the year and fills your gut *HEH!* with holiday spirit like some crunchy insectile snacks. Hoo yeah!

So, Jormengrund... I hope you enjoy your ~~ridiculous~~ heartfelt gifts...

And if not, well...

Santa never really did it for me anyways. *LOL*

And Then the OTHER Shoe Fell...

2008-12-07T13:43:00.000-06:00

Right now, we're waiting for a plumber AND septic worker to come out to the house. Why, you ask?

Because last night, the U-pipe under the floor of the bathroom decided, "Hey! I have a GREAT early Christmas present for these guys! I'm gonna SPRAY WATER EVERYWHERE whenever someone tries to flush!"

Y.U.C.K.

So, it's looking like the seal is busted AND it's highly likely that it's that *wonderful* time to have the septic tank pumped out. Gah. While I'm *so* glad I don't have to do their job, they will be *much* happier after leaving here, since the costs are likely to offend in the WORST of places considering the complete lack of fundage within these walls.

Yes, Ralph is working. But he won't get his FIRST check until the 10th.

My mom is looking at what might be her LAST check, and we have NO idea when disability payments will start.

I have to take my *two hour written test* (what in the world is ON this friggin' test?!?) on the 13th. If all goes well there, I have a long line of psych evals, background checks, drug and alcohol testing... eek. So, even if I *do* get this job, I have NO IDEA when I'd be starting. OR what hours I'd be working - because it's a *requirement* to work rotating shifts around the clock. What joy. *barf*

We *still* haven't heard back on the appeal over Ralph's unemployment denial. I think I'm liable to tear someone's head off with my bare hands if it doesn't go through. Keep an eye out for disembodied cabesas, k? And then point the cops in the opposite direction of me. Thanks.

I can feel myself becoming more numb by the day... how exactly am I supposed to handle all of this? I'm finding it hard to rely on Grey for my little bits of sunshine, too, because lately? Dear God, this child is seriously asking for his mouth to be introduced to the taste of Dial, or maybe some Softsoap... All I know is that I did NOT sign up for the elimination of ages three through twelve - because seriously? I think I have a miniature teenager in my house. Granted, he's only about 3'3" and under 30 pounds, but GAAAAHHHHHH!!! Since when did a three year old's vocabulary include the phrases, "I don't EVER want to hear you say that to me again!" and "You know, I *could* have said _____, but I *didn't*, so you can't get mad at me."

*screaming*

*deep breathing*

And now he's watching cats sing Christmas carols online. WTF? I think it's time for some Xanax.

cough cough

2008-12-05T21:14:00.000-06:00

I'm *still* friggin sick. I've taken my last dose of antibiotics, and whereas I don't feel as close to death as I did, say, three days ago... all I want to do is crawl into bed and pull the covers up over my head.

For anyone who was wondering? OH.MY.GOD. Fibromyalgia is *so* much worse when you're dealing with all-over body aches from being sick.

And PT? Oh, how I actually miss you. What I wouldn't give for some massage without having to drive my happy ass through the near-single-digit weather. Bah.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
On another, yet similar note:

Last night, Greyson was practicing his role as "Grumplestiltskin, King of all That is Crabby," and decided to try and evade punishment by (DUH!) hiding out in the kitchen solo (which he is NOT supposed to do at ANY time, be in there unsupervised). My frustration meter was pushing *past* the red zone for the night, and I firmly told him to "Get his happy butt in the den *right now*!!"

The response I got?

"It's NOT a happy butt, it's a MAD butt!!!"

Needless to say, I had to keep an *extra* strict face as I made sure he sat down, because not two feet away, my Mom was LOSING IT with her face buried in her arms, laughing for the both of us... because SOMEONE has to mean business, right? LOL

Luckily, Greyson's *mad butt* hasn't made a reappearance today. Instead it has been replaced with a badly swollen lower lip from slipping and falling on the basement floor when trying to escape the bedroom that he had so tactfully snuck into while I was *trying* to get a little shuteye after Ralph got home.

Needless to say, those efforts were cut short, because Ralph started to freak a bit on the amount of blood coming from Greyson's lip. Lucky for us, Mommy knows quite a bit in the world of general medical knowledge, and once I got a look at the offending "little" wound - just a bad case of tooth versus lip. A bit of pressure and some ice did the trick, and I am happy to inform you that I did *not* find it necessary to rush the child out for stitches. LOL

After all, the kid busted his forehead open on the corner of the coffee tables a few months ago, and doesn't even have a scar now. And BOY, did THAT bleed. Eww. Those damn head wounds and their bloody adventures, I tell ya. Sheesh.

Ha ha ha... I mean, Ho Ho Ho!

2008-12-03T15:39:00.002-06:00

The Universe Doesn't Want Gideon's Trumpet to be Read...

2008-12-02T17:50:00.000-06:00

Or watched, apparently. Because of the sheer amount of people asking my CJ Intro professor if there was *any* way to get an extension, my paper (which, durrrr, is about 66% based on Gideon's Trumpet) is now not due until Friday. Well, the weekend. SOMETIME BEFORE NEXT CLASS, anyways. LOL

I managed to get my hands on a copy of the book... the ONLY copy that my library carries, actually. They don't even HAVE the movie. *Waukegan's* library has it, BUT - my house isn't actually IN Waukegan's library "jurisdiction." What?!? I can walk north, and be in Waukegan. I can walk east, and be in Waukegan. I can walk south, and be in Waukegan. HOWEVER - if I walk west? I'm in Gurnee. And apparently that's enough for Waukegan to tell me to get the hell out of their library. Heh.

Well, actually they said that I have to go get a card in *my* name at the Gurnee library (which I haven't done because I still haven't gotten my address changed on my license - WHAT?!? They allow you something like, oh, 4 years or something, don't they? What's that? Oh... 60 days? So I'm about, oh, 300 or something past that - what about it?), THEN come BACK to the Waukegan library with my new card, AND photo ID, AND 2 pieces of mail proving my address... THEN they'll let me check out a limited number of books &/or AV materials.

All I want to do is watch a friggin' movie from 1979, okay? And apparently, the universe? She is MOCKING me. Because last night, I caved and re-upped Netflix at the BARE.MINIMUM. Because it was either $4.99 for THAT, or $14.99 from Best Buy. Plus shipping and tax, because ya know, the two closest Best Buys? DON'T have it in stock EITHER. Fuuuuu...

So, last night, there I was, all happy and *whew* because not only did my professor hand out an extension, but Netflix! They get the movie to you the NEXT DAY! There's no WAY I won't be able to get my paper done now - I *might* even have it in by the original due date (tonight by midnight)!

So sorry, hopeful one. Here's how my day has gone to this point:

* Wake up at 9am, trying desperately to breathe through this whatEVER it is that has decided to call my lungs "home."
* Spend the next 15 minutes or so CURSING Netflix because apparently? My *local* Netflix distribution center doesn't carry the godforsaken movie EITHER. It will be shipped from OHIO *tomorrow.* FUCK.
* Lug my ass out into the 17-degree weather. In a sweatshirt AND a leather jacket.
* Thank the heavens that it didn't snow anymore yesterday AFTER I cleaned my car off to go down to the Waukegan library to be FAILED miserably.
* Drive the 30 minutes it takes to get to my doctor's office, only the last 20 of which my car was warm for.
*Enter the building, go up in the elevator, walk all the way down two damn hallways to find a PRINTED LETTER taped to the f'in door stating that as of YESTERDAY, my doctor had RELOCATED. To someplace that is TEN. MINUTES. CLOSER. to my house. Motherfucker.
* Wander my way BACK to the car and call the doctor's office proclaiming that I am now *officially late* and will be even LATER because of their sheer lack to inform me that, HELLO! We MOVED, ya dummy!
* Drive ten minutes in the general direction of home to the new office... and have to walk down an even LONGER hallway to get there than in the *first* building.
* Be ridiculed by the fact that I have gained yet two MORE pounds, all the while consuming less calories than my three year old. Ask doctor about this since, hmm... she is *always* the one to point out that weight loss = less back stress. Get told that *3* of my medications can cause weight gain. NICE. It's a conspiracy, I tell you - especially since one of them is for my fibromyalgia. Bastards.
* Get told that I have bronchitis bordering on walking pneumonia. Doctor sets up Z-Pak and Phenergan Syrup with Codeine to be called in, along with acid reflux medication in the hopes that I won't wake up choking on my stomach acids anymore.
* Drive home. Find three year old has been causing trouble, oh, since he woke up. But he ate a fried egg for breakfast with cheese. The joy.
* Deal with same child arguing the issue of non-hunger until late afternoon. He manages to *destroy* three pull-ups anyways with alarming calamity.
* Go to Walgreens to pick up all my medications. Discover that the insurance won't cover the cough syrup, but I *really* need something to quiet the relentless hacking. Wind up paying almost *$25* for cough syrup. Make myself feel better by getting a Glade Scented Oil Warmer starter kit for $1.99.
* Come home to find son still acting like an ass... but finally amenable to eating lunch - at 3:45.
* Try to brainstorm for places to build my very own padded cell.

You see? I'm beginning to think that somewhere along the way, maybe one of the behavior-disordered kids that I used to work with, snipped off a lock of my hair and created themselves a little voodoo doll of yours truly. And then threw it away. So now it's being demolished by its adventures through the world of waste management.

Maybe? Okay, fine. Things just *suck* and I have to suck it up. Or rather, I *would* if I could breathe.

So, my goals for tomorrow are to hear from Netflix that I *actually* have a copy of the movie I need on its merry way here and to be able to be awake without coughing for at least 50% of the day (though not all in one chunk because, honestly? I think the excess oxygen from something so dramatic might just make me pass out.).

How Bad is it...

2008-11-30T04:21:00.000-06:00

When each coughing spasm I have (I can't say *fit* because it really does feel like my chest muscles and diapragm go on strike more than over-react) makes not only my chest hurt, but my back, my shoulderblades, and my sides?

Hmm. A *really* bad weekend to be sick during, especially considering that, um, NO doctors are available, and weren't since Wednesday (some of them since Tuesday!!).

Nothing is really helping me feel much better, ie I feel the same before taking my OTC cold meds as I do an hour or two after taking them. You'd think it would make at least a *little* difference, right?

Ehhhhhhnnnnnn! The answer is NO. At least, that's what my body keeps saying to be between bouts of hysteria each and every time I *try* the cold meds again. Yes, my lungs, they are LAUGHING at me... and then they go on strike, making me sound like a 94 year old man on oxygen. But, without the oxygen. Man, it sucks.

Thankfully, Grey got the flu shot on Wednesday. So if this is indeed the flu, he's all good. However, I'm thinking more along the lines of HE picked this up first, spun it around in his impeccable immune system for about two days, and then sent its fucking mutated cousin after me, what with his 37 tentacles and 3 eyes... wait, you mean cold germs *don't* look like that? Damn.

And there goes entertaining myself with images of the battle raging in what is my pissed-off immune system.

I am Jack's lungs. I am the virus destroying Jack's lungs. I am Jack's anger.

Bah Humbug

2008-11-29T12:13:00.000-06:00

I got *nothing* in the way of holiday preparation done yesterday. Zip, zero, zilch. The tree? Still in its box. The outside lights? Yep, they're still in the box, too. The cheesecake that I was planning on making? Still just gingersnap cookies, a can of pumpkin, bricks of cream cheese, and various other ingredients.

My body is fighting hard to not let this cold become bronchitis. I can feel it in the mornings, especially, as it tries to creep into my lungs while I sleep. Last night before bed, I think I almost lost one of those precious lungs as I coughed myself to sleep. I was already up *much* later than intended to due to a sneak-attack of UGLY that made its way into my house (some of you know the details - the rest of you? Just envision yelling and door-slamming).

This morning, I am feeling no better. Not enough sleep, due to the fact that Greyson has now not only eliminated naps from his day, but has also started the habit of chopping about two hours off his nighttime sleep time. YEAH. And the pediatrician said that it's FINE. I'm a bit boggled by that, personally, since he just turned three, but, well... I'm not the professional.

My brain feels fried. I'm looking at the book I am *supposed* to read AND do a paper on by Tuesday night for school... and am finding NO desire to even crack open the cover. I couldn't find the movie, so I can't even take advantage of that option at this point. I had visions of trying to make this weekend oh SO productive, and right now, I wish I could crawl into bed and pull the covers up over my head.

There are so many things bouncing around inside my head that are making it nearly impossible to think clearly, not to mention actually *act* upon any of them. I'm listening to an incessant loop of Iron Maiden that Greyson keeps feeding through the computer he is on right now. Even my bath last night didn't help the pain that was seeping into my bones - this time not from Fibromyalgia or herniations, but from the feeling of an immense weight crushing me from the outside (or maybe rather, the inside, deep, deep inside).

I have cried three times this morning already, mostly in response to a couple of emails I got replying to one I sent out to some people VERY near and dear to me. And though each and every one said essentially what I *thought* they would say, each one of them said SO much more... bestowed upon me so much more than I ever really do upon myself. Maybe I just don't see beyond the moment - maybe I have a hard time seeing through the faults and the failures, whereas my loved ones (the majority of them, at least!) were able to bring them to light for me.

Thank you to each of you. While your words brought tears to my eyes, it was just as much for the good as it was for the realizations that what I was feeling was, indeed, real. It never fails to amaze me how often I am surprised by the support I recieve, even when I really, REALLY don't even feel like I deserve it at that point in time.

Just, thank you. Thank you from both me AND Greyson. Thank you for being who you are and not dazzling me with just what I want to hear. You are all SO close to my heart...

I Need to Just Attach My Camera to My Hand

2008-11-28T17:58:00.000-06:00

It never fails. The most *wonderful* photo ops arise when I am nowhere even close to my camera, my new beautiful beauty that takes photos 18,372 times better than my OLD digital... like TODAY. Damn the beauty that I could have captured today.

I was on my way back from the library, after having to locate and (SCORE!) nab the ONLY copy of Gideon's Trumpet that our local library carries... but *failing miserably* at also snagging a copy of the movie by the same title (FAIL!). I also grabbed a book entitled, Never Suck a Dead Man's Hand written by a CSI which should prove to be filled with examples of what NOT to do once I finish my battle to finally get my hands on my bachelor's degree.

Anyhow. That has NOTHING to do with the reason I wanted my camera (though the library since its addition does have some rather striking architecture (do you KNOW how many times I retyped that word, fighting with just how WRONG the spelling looks??) (can you use parentheses within a set of parentheses?)).

No. I am driving down (up? I was going north) Green Bay Road, when all of a sudden, a Peregrine swoops out of the sky, a mere two feet or so next to my car, landing at the side of the road - I'm assuming to grab dinner of a mouse or mole (maybe even a VOLE!) where the gravel meets the grassy ditches along the side of the road.

OH. MY. GOD. The beauty that is a falcon just overwhelms me, and even though I was INSIDE my car? SO the closest I have ever been to a falcon. It took sheer determination NOT to slam on my brakes and pull over to try and take a photo with the thing-that-calls-itself-a-camera that lives in my LG Chocolate. There was another car *right* behind me, and I so completely would have caused a pile-up right before rush hour on one of the busiest roads in this area.

I *did* still contemplate pulling over once I had turned onto my street, since it was only a block from where the falcon had landed.

What?? People get out of their cars to photograph birds all the time... right? Just me? Oh.

But, I was still thwarted my the mockery that is cellular phone photography. Instead, I drove the final two blocks home and raved about how much I *needed* to carry my camera with me and ohmygodthefalcon!! Even my dad was downtrodden by the fact that I did not, indeed, get a photo (or more like what would have been 872 photos) of the peregrine.

THAT is impressive, that my father even got that invovled in my story of the bird... I suppose maybe that's what happens when there's nothing better to watch on television for 24/7 shifts than the programming offered by Animal Planet? Hmm.

So, once more, I have lost what could have been sheer elegance in a photo. Bah.

On the other hand, my camera is sitting next to me right now, and I have NO desire to take any photos of my son, even with his new adorable haircut. Because? His behavior has been borrowed from a rabid badger today, instead of the MUCH more amiable three year that I am hoping will come back soon.

WHEW

2008-11-27T19:52:00.002-06:00

I am *beyond* full. Yikes! This year I added two new things to the Thanksgiving melange of yummies - homemade garlic parmesan mashed potatoes and a mushroom pasta medley. Add those to the array of already filling goodies, and I'm amazed anyone here can walk.

I *did* have to put off making my pumpkin swirl cheesecake until tomorrow... this cold is beating my ass, and I am just not feeling the full effects of what should officially begin the holiday season. =(

As for yesterday, Greyson had a fantabulous day! His new pediatrician's office... wow. Not only do they have the coveted "sick waiting room," but his doctor is actually REALLY comparable to his original pediatrician that we so sadly left behind when we moved. I don't think ANYONE could honestly fill Dr. Denning's shoes, but Dr. Goldstein? Yes, a very close second. And humorous, thankfully!

Greyson is - are you ready? - a whopping *28 pounds.* Yes. That's IT. The bugger needs a *minimum* of 3T pants to cover those long-ass legs, and yet he's STILL less than 30 pounds. I'm baffled, honestly. No, he's still not a big eater, but holy hell, Batman! I would have put MONEY on the fact that he had finally broken the big 3-0! Damn. I guess at least it just puts that much LESS strain on my back, right? LOL Either way, the doc gladly reassured that head to toe, Greyson registers as *perfect* - he's followed a great growth curve (considering he was born at less than 6 1/2 pounds!), good height-to-weight ratio - the whole nine yards. =)

And his haricut? He actually didn't want to leave! That little bugger plopped himself in a Jeep, settled down with the DVD remote to watch some Clifford, and you would have sworn that LAST week? I had an entirely different child with me at the salon. Not a peep, not a tear... until it was time to try and convince him to LEAVE. That *almost* got him going - until they gave him a lollipop and a balloon for being such a fabulous little man!

Of course, he fell asleep on the way home, so the perfect haircut? Not so perfectly styled anymore. And today? HA! This is the first chance I've had to breathe, so the styling of the three year old's hair?!? Not quite top priority. Heh.

There *will* be photos galore taken tomorrow, however, as I brave my sorry sick ass into the cold to A- go to the library, and B- put up all the FLURKING Christmas decorations. I mean, all the WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, GLORIOUS JOY THAT IS CHRISTMAS PREPARATIONS!! Bah Humbug. I'll be cheerier when this cold goes to HELL!!

How was YOUR Thanksgiving? Are you drunk yet? C'mon, it's eight o'clock! Put the kids to bed and pound it already, will ya?!?!? Heheheheh...

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2008-11-27T15:35:00.000-06:00

Once things slow down a bit around here, I'll have more of a post... =P

Today is a day...

2008-11-26T12:06:00.000-06:00

Of admission and change. How?

Today I actually have to come to terms and admit to myself that Greyson *is indeed* three years old - he will be having his three-year checkup in a little less than two hours. =( Hopefully all goes well - but it's destined to be MUCH better than when we went to see that HACK who told me to shut up and then scrutinized my ability to even FEED my child adequately. Grr - that still gets me a bit riled.

Anyways...

It's also a day of change... Greyson is scheduled for a MASSIVE haircut after his peds appointment. You've all seen the shaggy, ohmygodhowcanthischildhaveSOmuchhair photos of recent... I was all about trimming it on my own at home, even comfortable with taking off a couple inches when necessary. However, his hair has now grown out of control - he has more hair on his head than *I* do, and he obviously inherited the thickness of his Daddy's...well, the hair Daddy *used* to have. Heh.

I've given up. KidSnips, here we come! We *tried* a regular salon and it just SO didn't happen, so... I'm caving in to the car-shaped chairs and video screens propped on the stylist's centers, the gaggles of movies that Grey will get to pick from to watch during his new cut, and the random chaos of useless toys that abound just within the entrance... making the haircut? More like a trip to the movie theater and Dollar Store all wrapped into one.

I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that he will, indeed, let them cut his hair as he has promised... and not scream like his eyes are being gouged from their sockets like last Saturday's attempt to leave Shaggidom.

Not Only am I Sick...

2008-11-26T03:07:00.000-06:00

But my meds aren't working... LOOK! I'm posting this after THREE AM!! Shouldn't I be out knocked out on sleep & cold meds?!?

But no.

I really hope I catch some sleep since I have *mucho* running around to do tomorrow - AGAIN - as well as a Pumpkin Swirl Cheesecake I have to bake for Thursday night's dessert. Mmm.

And to prove my latest levels of insanity? Earlier, my Mom and I were *actually* contemplating venturing to the new WalMart Supercenter in the area for their 5am Black Friday deals!!!

Oh. My. God. I think this cold is eating up my gray matter...

My Love-Hate Relationship with Photography

2008-11-25T15:47:00.005-06:00

Now, ya'll KNOW I *love* to TAKE photos. This is not a problem.

Sometimes, someone will unknowingly take a photo of ME - which generally doesn't make me happy.

Cameras + Larissa as subject matter = APOCALYPSE. End of story.

Which is why I was in utter disbelief at THIS photo that my friend Mike snagged at his son's 5th birthday party:

What exactly happened here? I managed to actually BE in a cute photo WITH my son... for I believe the first time since, um, I have no idea. I normally hold the camera, and therefore unless I DEMAND that Ralph TAKETHECAMERADAMNIT and instruct him to take a *specific* picture? Yeah... pretty much all the ones I have of me since becoming a mother? Were taken MYSELF in some pseudo-personal-photo-CRAP-attempt.

Now this photo? THIS is usually what happens when I see a camera aimed in my general direction:

I think I have about 5 different photos taken throughout my lifetime with this exact same look on my face. It apparently started as a TODDLER.

At least I was having a decent hair day. Heh.

Stho I'b Feelwing a Bid Sthick...

2008-11-25T00:11:00.003-06:00

Apparently, I have gotten a cold from... only GOD knows where. PT? The grocery store? Toys 'R Us? The Mall? The obnoxious Greek guy that tried to force me into purchasing a $39 remote control car from Greyson on his birthday???

It started, I'd say, yesterday, when my head felt just a bit... full. You know, the *bad* kinda full - not the good kind where it's just a bunch of great ideas in there, but the kind where you just *know* that if you touched it, it would squish. Eww.

And then this morning? I was a bit woozy-feeling when I got up, but figured, "Eh. Just not enough *good* sleep."

Middle of seminar for one of my courses tonight? WHAMMO! My throat is sore and scratchy, and I feel like someone is pinching my sinuses with a clothespin.

Ooh, yeah... it's a purty feeling, this sick-before-Thanksgiving crap.

And tomorrow? I don't even have time to BE sick! I have to:

Drop off my paperwork for the Dispatch job downtown, where Human Resources is 13,234 miles away from the City Hall entrance.
Do all the pre-Thanksgiving grocery shopping (BAH!)
Go to physical therapy AND pain psychology appointments
Find some smidgon of time to make it to the library and pick up either the book OR the movie of Gideon's Trumpet for a paper I have due next Tuesday (if I can actually GET to the library? I'll probably get BOTH, just in case. LOL)

And!?! I have to manage all this while juggling a three year old who now currently believes that the age of three is the means to it ALL, tossing out arguments and attitude as if he were in Junior High. Oh, yeah. The boy is gonna go DOWN, and soon, I tell ya!

If it weren't for the *still* COMPLETELY unsuccessful potty training completion (and the miniscule 30lb, 3'3" frame!), I'd honestly believe that somehow or another, I actually DO have a 13 year old. But then I would have had him at 14, and eh... even with *my* morals, that's just plain skeevy. Heh.

Toss in feeling like a conglomeration of wet towels have been stuffed into my sinus cavities while some evil gnomes must have been taking a whack at my throat with a brillo pad? Tomorrow. Will. Be. HELL.

Oh, and Wednesday? Yes, Wednesday will be filled with Greyson's 3-year checkup, then a haircut which is DESPERATELY needed (while I pray to God, Allah, Buddha, and all other variants of divine intervention that he doesn't scream like the hairdresser is SLITTING. HIS. THROAT. WITH. A. DULL. SPORK... AGAIN!). Once we get home? It'll be trying to throw something together for dinner, and then tackling a Pumpkin Swirl cheesecake for Thursday's feast... all before a 7pm seminar for school.

All together now... can we say, "Institutionalized?" Fabulous! Now, who can drop me off there??

Just Say DUH.

2008-11-24T19:09:00.000-06:00

I wanted to at least BRIEFLY give a shout out to Bea... I'm sorry I didn't mention you at the end of my photo post on Grey's birthday... I think my brain fried out a little, and therefore your card (and gift card - THANK YOU!!) got shuffled around in my waaaay-too-jumbled brain.

So THANK YOU for the card - it arrived ON his birthday!

And THANK YOU for the Target card - his favorite store!

Hopefully, the next time he starts begging me for a movie or game when we're there? I can just whip out that little nifty and make him pay for it himself. (For REAL this time, instead of him asking me for money so he can pay, like, IN LINE at the checkout. Heh.)

Love you!!

And That's the Way the Pumpkin Crumbles.

2008-11-23T20:08:00.000-06:00

At least when it's a pumpkin cake. Heh.

It kinda starts out looking like this:

And then moves on to this:

And finally this:

After something like, oh, THREE HOURS (no joke here, people - whew!), it turned into this:

I TOLD you he wanted a PUMPKIN CAKE. Totally not joking on that, either.

And he LOVED it. Even though the writing icing SUCKED (next time, I will just suffer through mixing and piping my OWN, thankyouverymuch) and the hole in the middle of my bundt pans is abnormally large (I had to use *2* pumpkin muffins to try and create that misshapen attempt at a stem)... I guess it turned out cute. LOL

I must say, though, that any appearance flaws? They were soooo forgotten once bites were taken.

If you ever have a hankering for making pumpkin cake? Add butterscotch pudding mix to the batter. SO. DAMN. GOOD.

Now, after fifty MILLION years of cooking (I also decided that tonight was the night to make from-scratch Mushroom Chicken Alfredo... I think I'm legally insane), I am SO ready for a TIME OUT.

Too bad Ralph is literally falling asleep sitting up "watching" a WWE Pay-per-View on his computer. Yeah. I'm thinking I'm gonna veg in the tub ANYWAYS, damnit. It's MY time. LOL

Signs of a Happy Three Year Old!

2008-11-22T15:36:00.001-06:00

Thank You to Everyone Who Helped Make

Greyson's Third Birthday

a Fantastic One!!

Much Love, Larissa, Ralph, & Greyson =)

Crystal, Diane & Crew, Angela, Kimberly...

It will never be forgotten.

Three Years Ago Today...

2008-11-21T21:27:00.000-06:00

Three years ago today, I went through what SHOULD have been one of the most physically painful experiences of my life... but I remember nothing of the pain.

I remember arguing with Ralph at seven in the morning, the Monday before Thanksgiving, trying to win the permission to take a shower while I was being rounded up to get in the car during contractions every three mintutes.

I lost. I got in my Monte Carlo, and we headed for the hospital.

Man, I could still TALK through my contractions... I couldn't be THAT bad off, right?

When we got the hospital, I was dilated to 5cm, and I was having a contraction every two to three minutes. Yep - I had won myself a stay on the maternity floor.

I remember them doing one last little ultrasound to make sure our little man was still positioned correctly.

He got the nickname "Baby Big Head" right then and there, as I realized how much larger the size of his head looked compared to the outline of my pelvis on that little black and white screen.

I remember hanging out in an uncomfortable bed, listening to my baby's heartbeat blip through the monitor. Realizing that Ralph was *not* going to be awake with be through this process, as he drifted in the chair next to the bed.

I remember a nurse telling me that if I wanted the epidural, I'd have to decide, pretty much, right then and there. Because they had a c-section scheduled, and they probably wouldn't be out on time to give it to me later. I was dialated to 7cm at that point, and fully effaced.

I gave in to my fear of not knowing if I could handle the possible future pain, and got the epidural.

I regretted it every minute afterwards.

They broke my water within minutes of placing the epidural, as well as started Pitocin. I then spent the next two hours having to be turned from side to side as my child's heartbeat decelerated with each contraction.

My uterus was smooshing his tiny little body - his heart was having a hard time battling the strength of each contraction, and they were sometimes literally one after the next, with barely a split second of recovery between them.

I remember a nurse explaining to me that they were going to have to replenish some of the fluid around him - "give hima little whirlpool bath in there" - to try and cushion him from the stress.

A resident nearly went into panic mode with the absolute lows of my blood pressure. I remember someone thinking aloud about how I was managing to stay so alert with my BP so desperately low.

I never did feel the slightest bit tired - I was too busy listening to that beeping monitor, waiting for any signs of something still going wrong.

I remember being checked again... and being told that I was at 9cm... they were calling my doctor.

Half an hour later, all I felt was that I was ready. HE was ready. I sent Ralph off to find a nurse. Now. She wandered in, telling me that they had just checked me 30 minutes ago... my doctor wasn't even there yet.

But Greyson? Oh, he was there. I mean, RIGHT THERE.

In a bit of a fit, a resident was told to stay with me, and I was told to try NOT to push. It was no easy feat.

About ten minutes later, my doctor's PARTNER walked in the room. He hadn't scrubbed in, he literally had just arrived.

After giving him a "little push to see where we are," he immediately told me to STOP - he was scrubbing in.

One contraction in - and the connection between the absolute atrocity of the last few months of heartburn and the tremendous amount of hair on the infant entering the world was made.

We also discovered that my son - my little stinker - had decided to poop on his way out. Fabulous. In comes the pediatric team.

In between contractions, we discussed the name we had chosen for our son - and the doctor joked about how he'd neither be "Blackson" or "Whiteson."

Two more contractions - 13 minutes from my first push - and Greyson Raphael was born - six pounds, six ounces of determination and joy, at 2:43pm. His first cry stole the breath from me - this was MY CHILD.

All was fine in the terms of the meconium birth. He scored a 9 on the APGAR, followed by a 10.

Just before being bundled and brought to me, he rolled ontp his side and peed on the nurse. Little did I know that seemingly insignificant move would outline his tenacity for life.

After what seemed like an eternity of watching that wriggling little life instead of feeling it within me, my son was placed in my arms.

I never believed in love at first sight until that immediate moment in time. I looked into his wide, oh-so-intelligent eyes, and never wanted the moment to end.

I remember pulling back the blanket to look at his tiny little feet. I also remember laughing at the crooked second toe on both feet - completely mimicking the toes that I have called my own for a lifetime.

I remember the tears that swallowed up my soul, giving every single breath I would take for the rest of my life to this precious little bundle. I knew then and there that nothing would ever be more important than the tiny baby I held against my chest.

When they took him for his first bath, it was one of the strangest sensations - the emptiness inside, the lack of kicking and squirming from deep within my belly - and no replacement for its loss in my arms. I was separated, somehow, from the very essence of me - that baby boy with a head full of dark, dark hair and curious eyes.

I was moved to my room while they cleaned Greyson up - and I remember the absolute light that came into the room with him when he returned.

I remember laying him on my chest, his heart to mine, and him lifting his head ever so slightly to gaze right into my eyes. Something told me, then and there, that inside this child was, indeed, an old soul... and our bond would be nothing less than a miracle. NOTHING with this child would ever be less than the world.

Greyson spent the entire first twelve hours of his life studying the new world around him. He was not content with being solitary for very long periods of time - already he craved that closeness, that connection between a mother and a son - and I eventually caved to the offer of a pacifier for my seemingly starving child.

At the end of those first twelve hours, I also relented to asking the nurses to take him to the nursery for a few hours. I had been awake since 4am, and it was now closing in on 3am of the following day.

At 8am, they wheeled him back into my room in his little plastic bassinette. The pediatrician I had selected followed the nurse into the room, bringing with him a sense of dread. I immediately regretted being so selfish as to want time alone, time to try and sleep, time which I did nothing but toss and turn in my bed thinking about the newest member of my family.

It turns out that my little man was already getting jaundice. He carried Ralph's bloodtype - A negative - instead of my O negative, setting him up for an ABO incompatibility.

He would need to spend the rest of his stay in the nursery under special lights to try and rid his tiny body of the excess bilirubin. I could no longer keep my baby at my side until our trip home on the day before Thanksgiving. In fact, there was an uncertainty that we would be able to bring him home with us that day at all.

I spent the next 34 hours walking back and forth from my room to the nursery every two hours, around the clock. I was brought a pump to try and facilitate his feedings - they were having to push formula to help the jaundice out of his body.

The first trip to the nursery to find him under the lights with a strange set of black foam goggles over his eyes and across his tiny, tiny face was heartbreaking - the problem at hand was so small, but the heartache in seeing him even more helpless than a newborn should ever be shattered me.

I could only keep him out from under the lights for half an hour at a time to attempt feedings. Any other contact I wanted with him had to be done through the openings in his little plexiglass incubator... his skin so translucent under the sheer intensity of the lights shining down on him.

Greyson was so sleepy, so sluggish because of the effects of the warm, penetrating lights. Our tries at breastfeeding were difficult at best. Each time I left the nursery feeling more and more like I would not be able to nourish my child the way I had hoped, the way I had planned.

Wednesday rolled around like a movie moving frame-by-frame in fast-forward. Everything was disjointed, somehow, with the relentless mechanical walks to and from the nursery, the syringe feedings of formula after each attempt at developing some sort of success on our own... it started to snow again, just as it had the day Greyson was born.

I was told that the goal was, indeed, to get him going home with us that day - but he would be staying later in the day than the usual 11am discharge time. I spent the day on edge, wondering what news I would hear each time a nurse came into the room. Most of the time, it was more of the same - not yet.

Around 5:30pm, we were given the go-ahead. We could officially return to our little apartment, now three instead of just two... of course, after waiting about another hour for everything to be finalized.

I remember vividly how lost he looked inside the newborn-sized outfit we had brought to the hospital to bring him home in. How the hat seemed to swallow his head, and how his hands and feet disappeared into the sleeves and legs of the pale blue velour.

I remember thinking about how absolutely NOTHING at home was purchased with anything less than a seven to eight pound baby in mind, how the rough estimate we had gotten on his size was on the higher end of that range.

I remember the snow falling, ever so gently, around us as I was wheeled out the hospital doors with Greyson in my arms. The difficulty trying to persuade myself that yes, this tiny being would be safe in the seat that made him seem just that much smaller. The drive home with my hand never breaking that bond of touch between me and my new reason for being. The phone call to my parents who were still on their way to our apartment, their distance to their grandson closing in minute by minute.

I remember bringing Greyson into the apartment, and just... watching him. Breathing in the essence of him. Counting his tiny fingers and toes, and just cycling through the disbelief that I had carried someone within me that would so unknowingly complete me.

I also remember sending Ralph and my Dad out to the store to buy not even newborn diapers, but preemie ones. The newborn-sized ones sent home with us from the hospital covered so much more than a diaper should. The plans being made between my mom and myself to go to the local Babies 'R Us on the Friday after Thanksgiving to buy some clothing that actually FIT my little munchkin.

2005 was the fist year that Thanksgiving meant so, so much more than it ever had before.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Here's to my laughter, my tears,
My heart and soul,
My reason for being and the reason I feel like banging my head off a wall,
My light and my darkness,
My source of everlasting joy,
My source of wonder and astonishment with every waking hour...
Here's to my son, my world, my life,
The one I wouldn't give the world to change,
And the one who has single-handedly changed my entire world.
My Munchkin, my Boo-Bear, my little big man...
Happy, happy birthday, Greyson...
As I watch you grow, you amaze me more than I ever thought possible...
Nothing could ever mean more to me than the way your smile lights up your entire face,
The way your laughter spreads to everyone in the room,
The way you wrap your arms so tightly around my neck as if you'll never let go...
I love you beyond the capacity of the spoken word,
More than even my soul can capture.

Happy Third Birthday, My Little One.
Happy days into the future forevermore.

Google Strikes Again

2008-11-19T17:04:00.002-06:00

It's time for an installment of... The Searches that Have Led to Me!

1- Musician blogspot. Congrats! I think you may have ACTUALLY come to the right place!!

2- "out of gas" "my wallet" - Hmmm... I don't know if I can help you out, there, Buddy.

3- "wear a pull-up to bed" - Do YOU wear one to bed? If so, I think you need more than you will find here...

4- build-a-bear for nintendo ds black friday - WOW. Umm, YES, there is a game for DS about Build-a-Bear, but in regards to Black Friday? Don't know what to tell ya.

5- Crazy frog tattoo - Now THAT I do NOT have a tattoo of. Try something more along the lines of roses or music...

6- dentist cavity - Does the DENTIST have the cavity? And why? Wouldn't they have a co-worker fill it?

7- hourglass tattoos - Again, why am I the tattoo reference for Google now?

8- komposta diago - WHAT?!? I don't even understand what this MEANS, so I obviously don't have this on my blog... right??

9- missing you mamaw - Well, I'm sorry to hear that. However, I don't *think* that MY mamaw is YOUR mamaw, so you may want to look elsewhere. Thanks.

Seriously... who designs the Google search strings? And how did all of these bizarre searches lead HERE?!?

My Strange Little Man...

2008-11-18T16:38:00.000-06:00

So, this year, Greyson has stated that he wants all things PUMPKIN when it comes to his birthday cake.

Pumpkin flavored.

Pumpkin shaped.

PUMPKIN.

Did I mention he's discovered he LOVES the flavor of pumpkin? LOL

So, my task: to assemble a pumpkin-shaped cake out of two bundt-pan baked pumpkin cakes. Whew! I *will* have pictures of this masterpiece / atrocity at the end of the week!

In addition? PIRATES. Pirate plates. Pirate balloons. We are having pumpkin pancakes on pirate plates on the Saturday following his birthday even. Say THAT one 3 times fast!

I'm thinking that Halloween sunk in a little *too* deep this year... Heh.

Can I Just Say...

2008-11-17T00:19:00.002-06:00

MIDTERMS! Aaargghhh! They are the bane of my existence.

Well, at least until Tuesday. Then they are over, and I have a full two weeks to look forward to the SECOND "Creative Project" that is due for my CJ101 course... this time, it's supposed to be *3* pages. Hah! Yeah, we'll see about that.

The good news? The early start I got on one of my midterms has gotten me an early grading as well... and I have remained at my 100% standing for grades in that class still. How I've done it, I have NO idea... but it's working!

Now to try and weasel my way up from a 99.64% in my OTHER class... Heheheh.

GAWD, I need a life. =P

And then my car, it was possessed.

2008-11-16T23:56:00.000-06:00

No, not RE-possessed, thank GOD. But downright looney-tunes. Seriously.

After a FANTABULOUS day, I was all dressed up with what my little Saturn would determine to be NOWHERE to go.

Yep... climbed on in, put the key in the ignition, and...
Hmm... Let's try that again... Yeah, THAT'S not good.

The damn thing went Pffffft! at me, and pretty much said "Up yours, Momma! I'm not starting, I'm not going, I'm not even going to give you any solid CLUES as to what the problem may be!

Because, was it a SIMPLE problem? Ohhh no...

First, it just didn't do ANYTHING. No click. No trying to start. No NOTHING. Okay, two can play at that game - I *don't* give up easily!

Then, Oh! Wait!! It's... it's TRYING to turn over. A... little. Maybe. Yeah, no, it's done.

You remember how I said I don't give up easily? Heh.

I sat and turned that key about, oh, 15 different times. All with slightly *different* results - the last of which was the engine turning over, me trying to give it some gas, and my little black BEAST deciding that, well, you know WHAT? I don't WANT any gas - I'm gonna fizzle out and DIE anyways. So THERE.

I was NOT amused. I looked briefly at my mother's van... and then remembered that it has no dashlights. Hah! Sorry about your luck, chica. You are going NOWHERE. Bah.

So, last night? I had me a few wine coolers, curled up on the bed with my Mom and Greyson, and watched me some Kung-Fu Panda... with stubbornness abounding, because I *refused* to take off my makeup, since I had *just* put the damn stuff ON.

I must say, I was looking pretty snazzy for something as simple as a Popcorn n' PJ's Party. Heh.

On a little sidenote here... when Ralph came home, he went to check out my car to see what was up with the damn thing. And started it. And backed it out of the driveway, and then back in again. Turned it off. Started it AGAIN, reverse, forward, repeat. With NO. PROBLEMS. WHAT. SO. EVER. Gah.

I think I brought something home with me from the Weird Chicago Tour I tool Wednesday night... According to one of the women that went with, there was apparently a FAIRY following me that night...

And YES, that is MY back... Thanks to Gina for the photo!

And YES, I actually DO wear a TinkerBell hoodie almost EVERYWHERE. Heh.

So, Yesterday...

2008-11-16T23:25:00.000-06:00

Was INTERESTING, to say the least. Hmm.

I was getting ready to try and get some lunch into Grey, when I glanced out the kitchen window and thought to myself, "Who the HELL is parked in our driveway?" All I saw at first was a new, dark gray-ish van. With the hatch open.

Then, some blonde hair being tossed by the wind... and a mylar balloon. Okay... OH! Wow. It's my "adopted godmother" - LOL - and two of her five kids. And they have STUFF. Birthday-looking stuff. Wow. And I'm standing in my kitchen looking like I just rolled out of bed. Hah.

So, I quickly SCRATCH the immediate lunch prep continuation, and call for Greyson down the stairs, letting him know that there's a surprise coming... wow, a surprise to me, TOO, since they live out in Rockford and, well? I had NO clue they were coming by!

I opened the back door to the three of them, armed with 1- a box full of child-sized hangers (Heh. Yeah - her kids have NO need for *small* hangers. Can we say linebackers? ROFL), a Spiderman bag that I could have stuffed Greyson INTO, and a big ol' Pirates of the Carribean balloon. Once again, WOW.

Now, I *knew* that Di (my *adopted* godmother - LONG story!) had grabbed Grey a DS game for the upcoming unveiling of the still secretly donated DS system we were so graciously given... but hello? I'm still completely in awe of what her and her kids did for my little man.

After he stood in shock for a few minutes, and realized what was going on... oh, the presents? WERE. ON. Wow, are we blessed to have them as family... well, the blood-less type of family that usually winds up being a bit better than that you were granted through birth. =)

We now have Pirates plates for the big day, napkins, balloons, a special Pirate cup for him, a HUGE poster from the first movie, as well as an eye patch and pirate ring for the little bugger. =) Oh, but that's not all... oh no. The kids? They came bearing gifts as well... one of which was actually purchased with money that her second oldest gave up, all on his own, just to buy Grey a present. The kid is, what, 12? SO TOUCHING. And if you knew him? SO, SO much more touching - and surprising! Heh. But, my, was my little man shown some love. And that was before we even left the house.

Apparently, a Toys 'R Us trip had been demanded by her husband, since the gifts they brought? JUST from the kids. OH boy. I honestly had a little fear in my gut with letting Greyson loose in a Toys 'R Us with him being given the go-ahead... but amazingly, my little boy proved to be really rather humble. Yes, he made it out of there with a good three-year-old-sized armful... but it included a BOOK, and a PUZZLE. And after about half an hour? He was completely okay with being done. He even told us we were "SO done." Heh. Of course, I am still completely and utterly indebtted to them for EVERYTHING - I still can't completely wrap my brain around the generosity that I have been blessed with from the most surprising places in order to still be able to provide my little boy with an honest-to-God FULFILLING birthday.

I know - a lot of people claim that *three year olds*? They don't care... they won't remember... But you know what? I WILL. And last year he got gipped because we MOVED at the beginning of November, and barely had time to pull our heads out of our asses from THAT insanity for CHRISTMAS. So, there was no party last year, either.

We had *big* plans for the little big man's birthday this year... and then my Mom was hit with the beginning of her employment debacle. And then Ralph lost his job. And then the second shoe fell on Mom's situation. So, in reality, while I was stressing (and still am, honestly) about car & insurance payments, and the harrassing phone calls from collectors... I was all the while thinking about how I could still make Greyson's special day special. About how we had *just* started the plans in motion for this great party - and he KNEW bits and pieces about it's progress. And how it all had to come to a screeching halt.

I didn't want to see that disappointment in my child's eyes. Because, even though years from now, he may not remember his third birthday - I will. But now instead of really focusing on what *I* couldn't provide... I am overwhelmed with the fact that I have such loving, RANDOM people in my life that really do CARE. And, GOD... I haven't felt that in a long time.

Have I been rather vocal about the shitstorm we've been facing? OH YEAH. But I've never once asked for help. Hell, I've never expected help - you expect something, you generally just set yourself up for disappointment. Sad, but true... and yet here I have gifts - really COOL gifts - to bless my little boy with. My munchkin. My now such-a-BIG-little boy.

Again today, even, I got an email from a childhood friend of mine, who has two kids of her own... who just wanted to know what she could do to help. I couldn't even get through typing a response to her without the tears welling up, because honestly? She and I have *just* started reconnecting after YEARS of not even talking. Not because of anything BAD going down, but just time... and here she was, making a stand to help out not ME, but Greyson. And as you all know - he IS my heart and soul.

So, to everyone - Crystal, thank you for your absolute kindness, not only in sending out a DS for MY son, but for all your efforts to provide for SO many children who just happen to be in a rough spot... Angela, thank you for the Build-a-Bear giftcard, even if it WAS a random giveaway... Diane, Terry, Austin, Preston, Colton, Tianna, & Q, I am still in a cloud of euphoria from the absolute JOY you were able to put on Greyson's face... Kimberly, thank you for showing you care and offering a little piece of yourself to help us through these tough times.

All of you... My heart goes out to you, and I only hope that someday, I'll be able to do the same for you. Maybe it will be next month. Maybe it will be next year. But, with my all, I promise you - NONE of this will be forgotten. I'm finding it hard to even gather the words together to tell you just how truly grateful I am to know each and every one of you.

For now... I'm going to go dust off my Knick-Knots and eat some government-issued potatoes. Heh. I know... it's only gonna be funny to *2* people who read this... And I don't care.

My love is going out to everyone... Really. You guys are the best.

I've Been Spinning...

2008-11-15T12:41:00.000-06:00

Or at least that's what it FEELS like. My god, has it been this long since I blogged? *whew*

I've been attacked by midterms. Which means I've been a typing maniac, riddling my instructors' inboxes with long, extremely-detailed essays on landmark law cases and interview proposals on people which I'm not even completely versed on as of yet. Meanwhile, the discussion board for one of my courses has been riddled with a classmate's attempt at humor by accusing me of being an undercover FBI Agent, therefore revealing my supposed source of knowledge in all things criminal justice. Ha! Apparently, the professor for that course is now also questioning whether she has been demoted to teaching assistant because of this shocking discovery.

What a sad, sad life I lead if my education is causing these types of thoughts in my classmates AND teachers. LOL

BUT! Along with feeling like I barely have time to catch my breath! Ralph has been offered a JOB, people! A real-life, PAYING position of employment! Of course, we are now waiting on the ever-required background check and human resources paperwork shuffle before he can actually START, and ya know, get PAID. Aye yi yi... somehow this is all seeming too familiar as Greyson's birthday looms in the REALLY close future - he started a new job two weeks to the day that Grey was born, and now he will be starting (fingers crossed!) sometime next week during the week of his third birthday.

Of course, this doesn't relieve the problems surrounding the birthday itself (Broke! Presents? Eh... Party? Hah!!) and our upcoming car payment (Again! Already!! How DARE they?!?).

Meanwhile, I am trying to calculate in my addled little brain the approximation of when my ongoing physical therapy treatments will ENDfortheloveofeverythingholy, and also when my NEXT class term will start (Is there a break between 10-week terms? Do classes start up again immediately? Gah!) because I have stumbled upon a job opening for a dispatch position with the Lake County Sheriff's Department. The contemplation to actually, finally jump back into the world of employment myself is just too great considering the INCREDIBLE starting salary - even though it means possible swing shifts and weekends and some holidays and AHHHHH! Oh yes, and the fact that Greyson would need to be enrolled in SCHOOL. Hmm.

It's just a LOT to tackle all at once in addition to all that has already been ping-ponging around inside my head. I know it will get figured out SOMEHOW (it always does - whether I like it or not, I haven't yet found a way to stop the flow of time), but MAN!! Is it taxing or WHAT?

So, sometime before the 25th, I am going to go take the speed-typing test for the department... which in its own right is really just a nuisance more than anything, seeing as though I only need a score of 30wpm or higher. Just yet ANOTHER thing to shuffle into my schedule, somehow. Heh.

And then, yesterday afternoon while battling my way through the onslaught of rush hour's almost-four hour clutch on the Chicagoland area, I turned to one on my pre-programmed radio stations to find... CHRISTMAS MUSIC. In November. BEFORE Thanksgiving. What in sam hell is going on here?

I couldn't wrap my brain around Christmas right now if my LIFE depended on it. I know, some people start planning for Christmas in JULY, I know! But for this redhead? Ohhhh no... Only when my husband and I got together did the day after Thanksgiving mean putting up a tree... before then? Eh, whenever we got around to it - if at all. I know, I know... scrooges, all of us! And this year? I'm actually planning (see? There I go, with the attempts to plan something!) on decorating the OUTSIDE of our house.

I think it will cause a few of our neighbors to suffer a coronary... maybe even an embolism...because? THIS house? Lit up for a HOLIDAY? Be still my quivering heart. =P

So, if you happen to see a whirling dervish with the unmistakable cloud of red hair contained within? Yep - it's just me, spiraling my way into ~~clawing my eyes out~~ ~~banging my head against walls~~ ~~trying to salvage my sanity~~ ~~attempting to resemble a sane person~~ celebrating the holiday season.

These Hands are Weary, This Mind is Becoming Fragile

2008-11-10T11:43:00.000-06:00

What is it about bill collectors that makes them COMPLETELY override and ignore the concept of NO MONEY?!? Once again, the SAME collector that made me CRY the last time we spoke has attacked, completely relentless and *trying* to convince me that "he, too, is in a similar situation - but HE set aside his pride and asked for help."

MotherFUCKER. What part of "$20 in checking, no savings, and NO INCOME FOR OVER TWO MONTHS" do you not get? How about having to borrow over $300 from a friend LAST month to pay our car payment, the same car payment that is, once again, looming in at me from 10 days in the future ALREADY. How about the fact that Ralph has ALREADY sold some of his music equipment? How about the fact that we are ALREADY living IN MY PARENT'S HOUSE because if we weren't? WE'D BE ON THE STREET WITH A TWO YEAR OLD. How about the fact that unemployment was DENIED, leaving us practically PENNILESS?

DAMNIT. I don't know what to do anymore. The man even asked if I could get money from my FEDERAL STUDENT LOANS to pay him $75. WHAT? Oh, SURE... I bet it would be NO problem - the government would be glad to take some of my SUBSIDIZED LOAN and give it to your aggravating, heartless ASS.

What DO I do? *I* am looking for employment, too. Even though I don't have childcare for Greyson. Because? His fucking birthday is in 11 days, and the only gifts he has? Are from two blog-friends that have an absolute heart of gold and mailed me a Nintendo DS and a Build-a-Bear gift card. Of course, he has no GAMES for the DS, and unless I find one lying in the gutter somewhere (or peddle my ASS in that SAME gutter), there won't be a game in existence for him to play on that new system.

FUCK! I just want to stand in the streets and SCREAM. I have another psych appointment this Friday. And you know what? This time, I'm going to be less coherent and explanatory, and more ohmyfuckingGOD. Because? I have NEVER, EVER, been in this desperate of a situation before. Ever. Honest.

I've been having to choke back tears at times when looking at Greyson. Because he just doesn't know - and SHOULDN'T - what kind of hell we are in. But my GOD, how could I have gotten this far into the pit? How could I let this happen FOR MY CHILD???

I need answers. Soon. I'm applying for a dispatch position - too bad the written test for it isn't even until the middle of December, so I'm still screwed on the URGENCY front. The staffing agency Ralph has applied with has been jerking him around by the ankles for the last month. If I HAD anything of value, I would have ALREADY sold it!

But no. Douchbag "Christian" of the demanding phone calls just seems to think that I have friends of 14-karat gold, and tears of liquid silver for alll he is understanding coming out of my mouth EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. HE. CALLS. Apparently , to him there is no difference between willingness to pay, and ability to pay. I'm *this* close to telling him to let it go to COURT, because then? Hmm... check my bank accounts. Check my non-existent assets. WHERE will they find the money? NOWHERE, just like *I* am.

God, I feel pathetic. I feel like a big, whining sack of NOTHINGNESS. Any self-worth I may have possibly had left? *POOF* Gone. I can't even try to file bankruptcy right now, since - you guessed it - I'd still have to have SOME kind of money to pay the bankruptcy attorney.

Fuck me.

Happy Birthday!

2008-11-09T12:25:00.000-06:00

For the last 13 years, you have been a source of laughter, smiles, frustration, tears, drunken nights and more-than-sober realizations. We have been through not only the highs of friendship, but the lows of throwing veritable punches. A companion, a friend, a sister, a godmother to my son - even when things are filled with disaster, it never lasts long, bringing us back to some deep-rooted understanding that no one else has truly been able to accomplish.

I don't think that anyone could fill your shoes, Bea. Not only have you been able to understand the unspoken, but you have grown into a strong woman and an incredible mom. There truly isn't anyone else that I would have wanted to spend so many moments of absolute emotion with! Even though we ride some strange rollercoaster of insanity together, sometimes riding high through the happiness that is life, and sometimes dipping down into the bitter angst that threatens to tear at our binds, it has always amazed me at how quickly we are able to close our eyes and realize that, no matter, we are still firmly seated and ready to face another piece of the tracks.

Happy, happy 27th birthday, Beazilla! May the years bring many many more opportunities to express just how much you have meant to me!

Someone Traded My Child

2008-11-06T20:19:00.000-06:00

Seriously. All day long, he has been mouthy, argumentative, pushy, whiny, and just downright FULL OF IT. Now, I am no sucker to think that I am lucky enough to have a child that is blissful 24/7 - oh, no. We have travelled the path of MOST resistance too many times before to think that. However, he really has been doing *so* much better lately that today? I am ready to feed him to the wolves if it would give me more than five minutes of PEACE. Essentially since waking up this morning (a full two hours earlier than I even HALF expected him to wake), he hasn't been able to sit still for more than a few minutes at a time, including while on the computer. He's either been running, or spinning, or dancing, or jumping, or climbing. Moving. Non-stop, it seems.

And the mouth! Oh, the mouth cannot stop moving, either. Usually, it's simply a side-effect of his 'just can't POSSIBLY learn enough about EVERYTHING' nature. But today? Oh, today we are filled with whining, and arguing, and demanding, and my GOD, someone make it stop.

I'm nearing the point where he goes to bed early, no matter WHAT that means for the time he wakes in the morning. I'd rather deal with an earlybird than what my son is acting like tonight. Eek.

The worst part? It's THURSDAY. Which means that Ralph has been gone since 4pm, and will not be home until around midnight. Because? Apparently they just practice THAT long in Judas Beast. Hmm. Okay. I'm seeing visions of yapping and incessant silly voices. Maybe it's just me.

But, as always, Greyson REALLY lets it loose when I am left to deal with him on my own for the evening. Something about pushing the same buttons he's been working on for almost the last THREE SOLID YEARS of being home with me all day that gets him going, ya know? AARRGHH!

So, if in a few hours, you see a redhead screaming down the middle of I-94? It's me. You might want to stay out of my immediate reach, in case I mistake you for a margarita.

Good Enough

2008-11-05T22:57:00.001-06:00

It seems the more we talk

The less I have to say

Let’s put our differences aside

I wanted to make you proud

But I just got in your way

I found a place that I can hide

Now everything is changing

But I still feel the same

We’re running out of time

What do I have to do

To try to make you see

That this is who I am

And its all that I can be

I tried to find myself

Looking inside your eyes

You were all that I was meant to be

There must be something else

Behind all the lies

That you have lead me to believe

Now everyone is saying

That I should find a way

To leave it all behind

What do I have to do

To try to make you see

That this is who I am

And its all that I can be

What do I have to do

To try to make you see

Trying to be like you

Isn’t good enough for me

I wont let you go

I wont let you down

I wont give you up

Don’t you give up on me now

What do I have to do

To try to make you see

That this is who I am

And its all that I can be

What do I have to do

To try to make you see

Trying to be like you

Isn’t good enough for me

What do I have to do

To try to make you see

Trying to be like you

Isn't good enough for me

"Good Enough" by Lifehouse

Officially Screwed

2008-11-05T13:48:00.000-06:00

I have never been in such a terrible financial situation in my LIFE. Seriously.

I just got done filling out the paperwork for both foodstamps AND cash assistance. The state already is paying for our medical insurance.

In one week, Ralph will have been out of a job for two months.

I *still* haven't gotten the materials & software I need to do the supposed data entry work from home that I need.

It's sad, but right now I'm seriously thankful that my PT appointments don't require me to pay a co-pay... a whopping $2.00 co-pay... because I honestly don't have it.

I wanted to start Greyson in preschool after he turns three. Which is in 2 1/2 weeks. Right now, I can't even attempt to throw a birthday party for him. Preschool will be re-evaluated after the beginning of the year for second semester.

While I am feeling a bit better physically, no amount of physical therapy is going to un-herniate the discs in my back. Nor will it repair the tear in one of the discs and make it stop leaking nucleic fluid from it. It's simply been too long since my initial injury to think that the herniations will improve on their own, either. The degenerative disc disease will just continue to exist and possibly affect more discs as time goes on.

School is going well - though it does add a lot of work to my days and weeks. It excites me and stresses me out all at the same time. I refuse to give up - it's the only positive thing I'm hanging onto right now that doesn't include my son.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Right now, I am watching Greyson play solitare on the computer, and doing an amazing job at honestly playing the game correctly. This morning, he completed yet another 24-piece puzzle, this time of Spiderman & Friends, all on his own - this time in all of about 10 minutes. His accomplishments fuel me every day - they give me a reason to get up and fight another day. The giggles and smiles, watching his eyes light up when he understands yet one more new thing... it's what keeps me going.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm still stuck in the place where either I stop caring altogether what other people think, or I test the limits to find out just to what extent I can even place trust in so many places that I use to know I could. While I have been pleasantly surprised by some of the people that have, indeed, given me even the slightest amount of support, I have been just as saddened by those who seem to not give a damn what happens to me. It's been somewhat of an eye-opener, realizing how much is one-sided, and then wondering how long it has really been that way.
Maybe it hits me harder, because I have never been one to just walk away from a friend. Maybe I don't have the time or ability to be as carefree and available as I once used to be... but that's life, that's responsibility, that's growth... But it's left me feeling lonely, surrounded by almost nothing but fairweather friends...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I wish I could only blog with humor and light. I wish I could live each day with nothing but optimism and sunshine. Unfortunately, that's not the hand I have been dealt for quite some time. But damnit, this is MY blog, and if someone doesn't like what I have to say, then don't read it. Yes, 90% of my posts are less than cheery. So what? Is there a secret guideline somewhere that I missed? At last check, this was MY blog - and excuse me if I need an outlet for my thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it all - type out the highlights and stuff the lows back down inside me.
Some of my readers have truely been supportive and have had the kindest words I've heard in a long time. Thank you! You know who you are. =)

Right now, I'm just trying to struggle with hitting this all-time low. And it's nowhere near being easy.

Fall back... and screw up the kiddo's sleep schedule!

2008-11-02T10:58:00.000-06:00

So, we've turned the clocks back an hour. Extra hour of sleep, right?!?

WRONG-O, ladies and gentlemen. Because, as any of you with kids know, it just means that you are forced to face yet another round of sleep re-conditioning! With Greyson already having given up his naps (for like the last 3 weeks and counting!), he has now lessened his nighttime sleep from a full 12-13 hours down to 11 hours for the last 4 nights. And this morning? Yes, he was up at 8am instead of 9, with a whopping 11.5 hours of sleep.

Am I insane for thinking that a two year old (no matter HOW close he is to being three!) should need more than 11 hours of sleep a day? Or am I just missing his naptimes SO desperately that I'm just plain getting a bit wonky in the head?!?

He is *not* the most pleasant child in the morning. Some days he wants to eat within the first ten minutes of being awake; others he'll stall for almost an hour. But each and every time, I can lay a pretty good bet as to the degree of whine that will accompany both his request for food, or his admonishment to whatever *I* have suggested. And by the evening? Yeah, dinnertime is just FUN! (Note my clenched teeth and restraint while uttering THAT comment!) Halfway (or less!) through dinnertime, he will pipe up with a sing-song "Feed me, feed me, DUH!" that just makes me want to run screaming from the house.

Where did he get this, you ask? I have NO IDEA. Honest. But I am then faced with a fidgety, wants-to-run-laps-around-the-room preschooler, refusing to feed himself another bite, or at least a SOMEWHAT calmer little boy, taking bites from the fork or spoon wielded by either Mom or Dad.

I know he's still hungry, because this boy? Will. Not. Eat. if he is not hungry. As noted by his 29-pound weight in a 3 foot 3 inch tall body. Yeah. He's a BEANPOLE. And half the time at least, after dinner is over, and he has even cleaned plate? He will be looking for more food, in the forms of crackers, yogurt, cheese - whatever.

So, today? Yeah. Not the best outlook considering all of the above, PLUS the fact that Ralph is still out of town until only god knows when this afternoon / evening. I have myself a completely WOUND up child, who so far, has started his day with less than 12 hours of sleep, an intake of a yogurt Nutri-Grain bar and 1/3 a bowl of cereal with banana slices, and water. Now? He's thoroughly engrossed in the games offered on SproutOnline.com. (Which, btw, I am GRATEFUL for at times, because the computer and Greyson? BEST FRIENDS. At least he is offered a bevy of educational input by numerous sites I have found and stuck in his Favorites folder. *whew*)

He's already decided he wants chicken noodle soup for lunch. So, I'm going to TRY pairing that with a sandwich. Will it work? Hmm... the magic 8 ball says "Try again later" - which usually means its laughing at me.

So, Happy November! Happy Daylight Savings Time! Happy Watch-Me-Lose-More-Sanity Day!!!

By the way, if you see me standing on a streetcorner later? Just take me gently by the hand and point me in the direction of wherever you last saw my sanity, okay? Thanks bunches.

Trick-or-Treat! IS OVER!

2008-11-01T12:11:00.000-05:00

As much as I *love* Halloween, I am SO glad it is over! The carving, the planning, the costuming, the make-up-ing... I'm DONE! Here are a few photos to further document my decent into madness between my son AND my husband...

Cute as all hell, right? And check out my "Jack O'Skellington" pumpkin!

And then we have THIS! I *know* I'm the one that did this makeup job, and yet, I was STILL extremely disturbed by the entire ordeal.

Which one's my husband?!? My god, if it weren't for my little "Jack O'Skellington," I may have never known the right choice!!! ;)

I had *hoped* that now that it is the weekend, and the holiday is over, I could take a little mental vacation (since I SO can't do the real thing right now)... but, NOOOO...

Ralph has *already* left for his show in Champaign, IL tonight. This means that it's me & Grey until sometime tomorrow afternoon - whenever the "men" decide to get their patooties in gear and head back north to the women who are ~~ready to scream~~ ready to welcome them home again.

I am only maybe halfway through the FIRST of THREE parts to my CJ101 assignment, which is due Tuesday. I'm expecting much more to do, since it's a fact-based screenplay based upon the generic scenario of "so-and-so has been identified as a suspect in a burglary; further investigation leads to him being arrested with probable cause." AND, I have to give creative details as to what happens from apprehension through SENTENCING. Bah! This damn paper is going to wind up being a fuckin' NOVEL.

And?! I have to draft my proposal for my OTHER class, based on my final project in THAT course.

Sleep? What's that? Ohhh, you mean the *concept*? Yeah. SO overrated. Heh.

I think I will give my new sleepy-meds a BIG kiss tonight, just for existing. ;)

In other news, I need a haircut. And so does Greyson. Is it a bad thing when your two-year-old's hair brushes the top of his shoulders? =P He's working a mini-mullet. Or a "mulletini."

Take your pick. ;)

Boo! #2

2008-10-31T21:14:00.000-05:00

So... I have MORE photos of Grey from *tonight's* Trick-or-Treating Extravaganza... AND photos of my husband made up like Captain Spaulding from "House of 1000 Corpses" (which, by the way, is FRIGHTENING, simply because ohmygoditISSpauldinginmyHOUSE)... but I feel like I'm partially crippled. I still haven't recovered fully from pumpkin carving, what, 2 days ago? And then I went ahead and did a whole crap load of other shit since then... and my body is REBELLING, oh the pain. Yuck.

Today I had my Lyrica dosage doubled, and my sleep DRUG has been doubled as well. *sigh* Oh! And I got my MRI report back. Needless to say, I'm not thrilled. I'm glad I have some form of concrete PROOF as to why my lower back and right side of my sacrum are just... well, screwed 6 ways to Sunday. But? This is a problem that will NOT repair itself. I have a bi-layer herniation at the lowest two levels, and a TEAR in the lowest disc, as well. And because of that, there is "decreased water content" in there... which means it's been leaking OUT of my spinal column and into... well, SOMEWHERE. Mmm. Appetizing.

This *also* means that I will be looking at spinal surgery sometime in the future. Not NEAR future, if I take precautions to not further injure myself, but it's gonna happen. I should be a bit, well, more *adjusted* to spinal surgeries, since, hmm... my dad's had god-only-knows how many discectomies, and *4* spinal fusions to date. But, um... yeah. I've only had one surgery in my adult life, and I WOKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. That's what happens when doctors don't heed my warning about having a high drug resistance and needing higher levels of anesthesia. You'd think that, as SURGEONS, they would be aware of even the studies that have been done on anesthesia and REDHEADS, and how they typically require more due to a pain receptor that is linked to the gene for red pigment. Dur. All I know, I woke up with 4 surgeons IN MY FACE and in the most excrutiating pain of my LIFE. *shiver* That day ranks 12 FREAKIN' times higher on the pain scale than my LABOR with Grey, I SWEAR.

Anyhow... unless by some twist of fate my nighty-nite meds *don't* work for me tonight (which my GOD, if I didn't know better, I'd swear I'd be lights out as soon as my head hits the pillow)... the newest Halloween shots will be up TOMORROW. I just don't even have the drive to go retrieve the camera from my coat pocket... How sad is THAT?

Happy Halloween, y'all! =P I'm all pumkpined out.

Pecking

2008-10-29T17:21:00.000-05:00

That is all I can manage to do with these keys after working for over an hour on two ginormous pumpkins which, after the fact, look like Jack Skellington and the other is NOT Jack Sparrow as I had originally intended it to be because the FRIGGIN' CARVING KNIFE BROKE IN HALF and I could find no other tool in the house that could offer such intricate detail to the god forsaken pattern that I was attempting:

And now it only looks something like, well, a last ditch effort at making a face with what was left of a decent pumpkin surface.

*sigh*

I will post photos of my ~~two~~ ONE punpkin that actually turned out the EXACT way I wanted it to. Ya know, before the carving knife decided to commit stainless steel suicide.

Doing a Happy Dance

2008-10-29T15:06:00.000-05:00

SCREEE!!! My lost CD of my musical compositions (including all those that are still "in progress" and those that I did not include on my first mastered CD) has been FOUND!!! Ahhhh!!! Along with a copy of the software I use for notation and sound editing!!!

Can you tell I'm just a BIT excited?!?!? OMG!

Sorry... I'll *try* to contain my ravenous joy at least a little, because otherwise? I may never leave this computer for the next ~~84 days~~ 48 hours while I go through everything that has been lost to me for the last FIVE FUCKING YEARS!!!

Seriously. It all got misplaced during my move away from the ex from HELL, and had pretty much resigned myself to the probablility that he had KEPT all of it, much like the numerous OTHER things that never made it back into my possession, though SOOOO not his. Bastard. Grr. *deep breath*

But! My music and I have been reunited!! My inner composer can spread her wings once more!!

Of course, that's granted I find the TIME between school, PT, OT, pain counseling, psych appointments, pumpkin carving (yes, I am LATE! I am tackling that, oh, say, NOW!), and shla;dhu;igdababn;adij;ndao'c ohmygodIhaveSOmuchtodo!

WHEW! Maybe I should just play some of my work in the background while I carve... should stir up some MAD creative mojo, right? Maybe it will help in writing my criminalistic screenplay for class, too... Hmmm...

Biofeedback and Cars: The Movie

2008-10-28T20:32:00.000-05:00

Well, back to the land of busy, busy, busy!

Yesterday was spent with TWO FREAKIN' HOURS at the pediatrician's office, for the doctor to, for startes, tell ME to "SHUSH!" with his finger pointed at me when trying to tell him what was going on with Greyson... apparently, the word of a two year old is concrete, and "We don't need your help, MOM. He's extremely atriculate - let him speak for himself." WELL, then. Fine. I was also told by the doctor, "I'd hate to be his teacher." Mmm. 'Kay. Yes, he's VERY vocal, and knows what he's talking about. Excuse me if I'm used to people, ya know, not *quite* always understanding the speech of a TWO YEAR OLD. Bah. A comment about him being, "not a very big boy," but having "a wide jaw - he's like a little man" made with a *complete* look of disdain and accusation, as if I'm not FEEDING my CHILD made me want to chuck my pocketed cellphone at the back of his big foreign head. With brute force. I was NOT amused, especially when we left the office without even a direct diagnosis, other than a muttering of, "Well, there's just the slightest inflammation here..." while poking at his eustachian tubes. Hmm. Ear infection. Ya don't say. OH WAIT! I think I recall telling the nurse (who, by the way, entered "patin informality" into the computer when told that at 4 weeks old, Grey was diagnosed as having a patent foramen ovale) (dipshit) that I suspected that, since he was complaining of discomfort at the back of his jaw when chewing. Hmm. But no. MOM NEEDS TO SHUT UP. Hmph.

It also snowed while we were at the doctor's. YES, you heard me, IT FREAKING SNOWED. And today it was 55, and it's supposed to be *70 degrees* on Friday. Riiight. Gotta LURVE some Chicago wonky weather.

I also had seminar last night for my Criminal Justice Systems course... which was hilarious because we were given the guidelines for, get this, a SCREENPLAY that we have to write - by next TUESDAY! - about a burgular from arrest through sentencing. TUESDAY! Arrgh. I think I might be a little LESS stressed about this if I *didn't* have a background in theatre and knew just oh SO much I could do with this assignment. Bah.

And then today, today I had one of my wonderful and oh so interesting trips to the pain clinic, where I was hooked up to a computer with some whacked-out ELECTRODES to measure the electrical activity in my muscles. Yeah. I felt like a science experiment. And I was! I then got to listen to the droning voice on the "relaxation" CD while hooked up to this machine so we could see if there was any progress with the techniques. Umm, if the woman (man?) on the CD were any more distraught sounding themself, I probably would have DIED in that recliner. So, I'd have to say no. Heh.

And then I had PT, where I was told that, "Hmm, you seem to be having some serious myofacial issues in this side of your back and hip." Naawwww, REALLY? Maybe that's why I've been in pain for the last 18 months?!?

Why, yes! I am a bit on the snarky side today! Thanks for noticing!!

So, I guess I get to do a bit more "hands-on" treatment Thursday at my next PT appointment. Fun. I can lie there and hope he doesn't hurt me. All while being reminded of the four evil words that MUST be removed from my vocabulary. LOL

On the upside? Greyson completed a *24-piece puzzle* this evening - all on his lonesome! I am GENUINELY impressed, since this particular puzzle is aged 4-7 years:

I know! I'm so proud of my little monkey!

He's proud of himself, too. Don't you love the t-shirt?!? LOL

WOW!

2008-10-27T09:33:00.000-05:00

1 minute, 32 seconds

Created by Bunk Beds.net

Breakdown

2008-10-27T07:43:00.003-05:00

The sun is gone and the flowers rot

Words are spaces between us

And I should have been drowned in the rivers I found of token lost

And I should have been down when you made me insecure

So break me down if it makes you feel right

And hate me now if it keeps you alright

You can break me down if it takes all your might

Cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

And I'm the one you can never trust

Cause wounds are ways to reveal us

And yeah I could have tried and devoted my life to both of us

But what a waste of my time when the world we had was yours

So break me down if it makes you feel right (so break me down)

And hate me now if it keeps you alright (so break me down)

You can break me down if it takes all your might

Cause I'm so much more than all your lies

Hate me, break me down (so break me down)

So break me down if it makes you feel right (so break me down)

And hate me now if it keep you alright (so break me down)

You can break me down if it takes all your might

Cause I'm so much more than meets the eye

Seether - Breakdown

Trick or Treat! Too bad we got a TRICK.

2008-10-27T06:59:00.001-05:00

I would love to say that yesterday's first Trick or Treating adventure stayed as happy as this:

Or, especially this:

However... we couldn't POSSIBLY be as fortunate as that!!

It all started off great... Greyson looked absolutely *perfect* as my own, miniature Jack Sparrow. I mean, honestly - the costume suited him SO well, I was truly impressed by the whole ordeal - and he was SO unbelievably excited to venture out into his first actual Halloween experience.

The first house we stopped at, the poor little boy was a tad confused, however... since he tried to go *into* the house when the caught-off-guard old Asian man opened the door to Greyson's Halloween cuteness. Heh. CLASSIC. After that, however, he was MUCH more adapted, and knew that, um, they're not opening the door for you to go IN, just so THEY can come OUT! LOL!!

He somehow managed to be the sweetest child ever during the entire process - thanking each homeowner profusely for the small piece of ~~hyperactivity~~ delight they put in his bag, and then running back to our sides with proclamations of, "That lady/man gave me MORE candy! Wasn't that so NICE of them?" Yeah - my kid's got mad appreciation, yo. ;)

All in all, he walked a good 4-5 BLOCKS on his little two year old legs and feet, managed to somehow lose his pirate sword in the process (there goes $1, down the drain, LOL), and thoroughly entertain numerous parents and children alike with his outright adorable little self. One woman even kept us standing at her house for a good 5+ minutes, just because she wanted to listen to his "cutest little voice" for a longer period of time.

In this time, we learned that one of her three cats is also named Greyson (Grayson?), since he is, indeed, gray. Hmm. Okay. On to the next house now, huh, crazy cat lady? Heh.

For wandering a neighborhood that was rather laden with people who either were a) not home, b) PRETENDING that they were not home, or c) somewhere ELSE because their house was on the market, he got quite a stash, including numerous treat BAGS from some of the more spirited contributors. =)

We got bombarded by some pretty fierce winds throughout our walk, and after about an hour or so, little man was ready to go home, satisfied with the endeavors of the afternoon. Whew!

Move on to me going to pick up dinner from KFC (no WAY was I in any sort of shape to COOK anything of substance after a LATE night at hubby's show AND Trick or Treating! Heh.). All was A-OK when I left, with Greyson happily playing on the computer.

30 minutes later... hmm, SO not so much. I walked in the door, bags in hand, to a SOBBING little boy, still in dark eyeliner from the previous festivities, pressed against the refrigerator door, with Daddy and Gia (grandma) at his side.

The world had apparently come crashing down on his sad little shoulders, and everything was against him, all at once. We *finally* managed to get him to agree that it was okay for us to go eat dinner, that Gia could sit down to dinner with us - but of course, he added the stipulation that "Caillou would help him not be so sad." Umm, okay. I wasn't aware that cartoons about a four year old BALD child who socializes with a rather LARGE redheaded population for being a Canadian cartoon had those healing properties, but SO BE IT. He stopped his sobfest, and kinda spaced out staring at the TV, only taking about two bite of the food that I honestly had to FEED him.

It was after the third bite went largely unchewed and then spit out onto a napkin, that he came to nuzzle against me... and I nearly recoiled at the fact that he was HOT. I mean, WOW, fever hot. And he started the tears again with claims that his tummy HURT. Even to the touch. Uh oh.

He registered around 102. He got some Motrin. I decided to give the medicine a little time, and see if I could get some more ANYTHING into him, if his tummy would feel better.

And so Greyson became a bit more like Greyson again in about 15 minutes. He ate a little more, had some juice. Seemed like we were at least *okay* for a while. Bedtime wouldn't be too far off (since he has played the role of "Super Grey, the wonderous two year old NON-napper" for God knows HOW long now), and we'd make it through this.

He fell asleep after some general grumbling and such just after 9:00. I followed suit I'm assuming about half an hour later... the wonders of my new medication. (Can you hear it? The universe sighing in contentment as a result of my ability to finally get some SLEEP?)

But! Lo and behold, it is 4am, and the young one, after a good 15 of squirming in his sleep, wakes up. And moves against me. And is scorching my body with his flesh ohmygod. Another temp check brings this "Attack of the Fever: Part II" in at nearly 103 degrees. I am NOT amused - not in the slightest. He has NEVER had a fever over even 101... and that was ONCE. Okay, get him some water, some more medicine... we can do this. No reports of anything hurting this time... just whining and complaints of wanting DVDs in bed with him. Um... don't think so, but here's something to drink!

I needed a brief sanity break, so around 5:30, I headed upstairs for a smoke (I KNOW, I know...) and to not be victim of the fidgety whining that was my feverish child.

I came back downstairs to Daddy laying with Greyson, and me getting bombarded by cries of, "You go sleep in the livingroom! DADDY is laying down with me! YOOOOOUUUU GOOOO SLEEEEEP SOOOMMMMEWHEEERRREE ELLLLSSSSE!" Eek. Okay. Couch is NOT my friend, so here I am... awake since 4 am. My two men, the big one and the little one, fell asleep somewhere around 6:00. Now I'm just waiting for the peds office to ~~OPENDAMNYOU~~ kindly begin their business day, so I can call up and make an appointment for, oh let's see, like ASAP. Either that, or I really have no problem of taking him to the ER if they won't see him today, because, um... 103 fever? NEVER in his life been this high before? Came screeching into existence a mere 90 minutes after coming home from Trick orr Treating with him being happy as a clam? I don't THINK so... not taking my chances, in all honesty.

So, wish me luck that the smiling precious one you see in the photos at the beginning of this post? That he comes back soon.

Thankfully, I myself have no appointments today. At least I can be attentive until I have Seminar for one of my classes tonight. *sigh*

Apparently...

2008-10-22T14:34:00.000-05:00

Apparently, the medication the doctor has prescribed for me in order to help me sleep IS working. Ralph told me that in the middle of the night, while he was *unsuccessfully* trying to get Grey back to sleep, Greyson JUMPED on me... and I didn't move an inch.

Apparently, this medication is most often used for schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder. I do *not* have either of those conditions, but it seems that it's sedative effect does actually work on me.

Apparently, this medication also has a possibility of causing high cholesterol, hish blood glucose, weight gain, blah blah blah. Niiiice. My Lyrica can also cause weight gain. I have *already* gained an unexplanable amount of weight over the course of the last 6 months... SO, I'm having blood work to check my thyroid among many, MANY other things.

Apparently, bill collectors are one of the LOWEST forms of life on this planet, and have absolutely *no* concept of not "having friends to give you money." Because, since we are already to the point where Ralph is having to ask a friend to borrow money to pay our CAR payment so, ya know, we have a CAR... it should be "okay to lie about the amount" in order to give the self-serving bastard on the phone money to pay off a $431 bill. Even though, "everyone has friends, and everyone needs help," APPARENTLY, my friends are those who should have barrels of extra money to generously throw at me to pay *my* bills.

Apparently, making a woman *cry* over the telephone with incessant threats and accusations is NOT beyond this particular breed's capability. Neither is initially REFUSING to allow this woman's husband to speak to a supervisor.

Apparently, some people don't agree with making the choice to feed your young child over paying an outstanding credit card balance IN FULL RIGHT NOW.

Apparently, a certain person working for the local public school district have nothing better to do with their day than to maniacally switch between a position of support and brown-nosing and a venomous, accusatory, all-knowing WENCH. Because, SERIOUSLY? Is it REALLY necessary to telephone twice within a half-hour period with COMPLETELY opposing information that, in honesty, has NOTHING to do with the person making these calls?!?

Apparently, my luck has STILL not changed.

Apparently, I *can* still be bitter about my car being stolen and never recovered 2 1/2 years ago, while containing a $100 stroller, carseat base, clarinet, and tennis racket.

Apparently, I am finding that while I have a lot of support from places that I never would have expected it (and am SO grateful for it. Seriously. No words to express my gratitude here, people.), I do NOT have even an INKLING of support from about 99% of the places that I *would* have expected it. I am suffering an absolutely bittersweet revelation from this fact.

Apparently, I need to completely rethink where my alliances lie... which saddens me completely.

Apparently, I am still able to manage a supreme functional capabilty when it comes to education. For now, at least. THANKFULLY.

Apparently, a certain person is finding it NO concern of his to pay a PENNY of $6100 after owing this exact balance for over FOUR YEARS. Even though he is getting married in 9 days and owns a NEW FUCKING HOUSE.

Apparently, we may have to fill out paperwork for not just one, but TWO court cases *very soon*.

Apparently, I am feeling like a bit of a fuckup because I have yet to get pumpkins to carve or put up the very few Halloween decorations we have, even though Halloween is generally my favorite holiday.

Apparently, I need to stop blogging right now... because apparently I cannot find anything constructive or positive to address.

I have been... stewing in my own juices...

2008-10-20T17:39:00.000-05:00

And therefore have been at a standstill as to what to type - what will be appropriate, and what won't piss anyone off. The things that I feel and the things that I want, but won't cause a backlash. So, I just sit and stew...

Anyhow, today was my follow-up after the *complete* evaluation at the pain clinic. Gee, thanks - they gave me a diagnosis of Chronic Pain Syndrome. Ya think? The biggest challenge in this diagnosis is that, somewhere, there are bound to be people I come across that believe that it is a self-initiated behavior, since CPS cannot be idealized or pinpointed, and tends to not respond well to common treatments or medications. It's also more common in individuals with depression - well, hello? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? I'd have to agree that my pain elevations definitely affect my moods, which then affect my sleep, which then affect my ability to heal, ad nauseam. So... where does this leave me?

PT twice a week. Four seesions of OT. Weekly visits with a pain psychologist. A new medication which will hopefully help me sleep. An analysis of my current depression & anxiety meds tomorrow morning with a psychiatrist. A follow-up with my general practioner to review my spinal MRI. Over and over again, it seems, until someday, somehow, things fall into place.

Classes are just now really getting under way, and while I am absolutely *thrilled* at the prospect of tackling this whole degree thing again, it adds a great deal more stress, as I am sure anyone can imagine. I have taken on some at-home work, as well, which should start up within the next week to 10 days. NEED THE MONEY, can't work outside the home - especially right now with everything else that has been scheduled into my life. I can only hope that I get into the swing of it quickly, and can progress to making at least a *decent* income for what it is worth. Finances are absolutely DESPERATE right now, and I'm literally in fear of having my car repossessed if something doesn't get fixed, and SOON.

Greyson has been, at least, SOMEWHAT better in the mood department, but has all but refused naps altogether. Instead, he sleeps for 12 hours at night... but even then, bedtime is not necessarily a constant. I don't know exactly what has done it, but actually submitting himself to sleep is a chore and something that he tries, with all his might, to delay and intervene. Without a nap, it's *better* than when he actually does take one, simply because he's obviously more tired... but my gosh, child. You NEED to sleep. It's bad enough when Mommy is brainless and worn from no sleep, no need to throw yourself into the mix of that terror, too.

So, off I go onto yet another path. A path which, unfortunately, I don't feel like I have the greatest support on, but one that I *need* to walk, for myself and for my son. Whereas I don't expect anyone to understand fully my situation unless they have lived it, I, like anyone else, would like at least an attempt at compassion - something that I've been feeling robbed of. Something that I have searched for and haven't truly found, even in the places that I thought I should never have to doubt. I haven't thought my expectations to be too high, but maybe they are. I don't even know anymore.

Things at home are... too complicated to go into. I don't want to get backlash for speaking out and opening up not *my* personal life, but those of others in the process. So, I unfortunately am having to bite my tongue in one of the places where I have tried to acquire an outlet.

I have class tonight, and I still need to make dinner. I need to wrangle Greyson off the other computer to try and get him to eat, as well. I'm looking at the next three hours with a kind of silent panic, simply because it's all coming at me much faster than I ever feel ready for - and even though I'm still alive, still in one piece afterwards, it never fails that the next time, I expect the absolute destruction. I suppose it will take quite a bit of intensive time to undo what a lifetime has programmed.

Until next time...

My Day in Pieces

2008-10-16T01:31:00.000-05:00

*Didn't fall asleep until after 5:30am. Woke with alarm at 8:00.
*Called Financial Aid regarding the block on my Student Account for Kaplan. Discovered NOTHING was missing, and the woman I spoke with had *no clue* as to why it was disabled in the first place. DUH.
*Logged into my account to check that was fine and good, then rushed to get ready to leave for my ~~torture~~ pain clinic appointment.
*Left the house at 8:35am. Luckily, missed the rain by about 5 minutes.
*Arrived at clinic at 9. Met with psychologist Idon'trememberhisname. Nice guy, seemed to understand WHY I am a veritable train wreck of emotion lately. Thank GOD.
*Met with Joe the PT at 10. Apparently, the words 'jerk,' 'twist,' and 'jolt' are against his professional religion. He is determined to eliminate them from my vocabulary, as well. Otherwise, understanding in my pain issues, but ultimately *confused* when it came down to realizing that my pelvis is tilted forward and also at an upward angle to the right, and the fact that my right leg has no 'give' when weight is applied, whereas it should retract slightly into the leg-hip joint... therefore, I walk like I have one leg longer than the other, because in essence, I *do* because of the non-movement on one side. He is "concerned, and definitely needs to look into what's going on in there." Fantastic. Just don't hurt me in the process, k?
*Met with Colleen the OT at 10. Nice lady. More than likely won't require sessions with her, unless she is insistent on getting me to lift and carry over 40lbs. Which, eh. I don't really care about it until Grey reaches that weight and by then? He shouldn't be wanting to be picked up and carried all too much, anyways. But we'll see.
*Spent 45 minutes filling out the MMPI - which eventually made my hand fall off, since it consisted of 534 T/F questions and DAMN BUBBLES that I haven't had to fill in 7 YEARS. Seriously. I am typing this with a pencil in my mouth, pecking like a bird. Heh.
*Tried to get a soda from the machine in the hallway. Put in $1.00 for an $.85 soda. Was told to fuck off and use correct change. Was given 2 golden dollar coins AND an additional quarter back...but no soda. I gave up, and pocketed my profit.
*Waited until 1:10pm for someone to bother to come get me for my (what I THOUGHT was) appointment with the main doctor. Apparently, all I was seeing was the team nurse for final paperwork and bullshit I had told everyone else I saw 14,234 times that morning. Was told they were having a "team meeting" on my special ass tomorrow afternoon. Was given an appointment for 9:00am on Monday. Joy. Can I go home now?
*Left the building at 1:30pm. After being there for 4 1/2 fucking hours. EAHUFEHFALDBFDL!!!! NOT a fun way to spent the morning after only 2-ish hours of sleep.
*Got Wendy's for the boy & me for lunch. Had one of their new "dipped" chicken sandwiches. YUM. Satisfied.
*Realized just...how...fucking...tired I was. Trudged upstairs to investigate my online classrooms a bit before ACTUAL seminar at 7pm.
*Took a nap at 4:30. Woke up at 6, not feeling much better than before.
*RUSHED through preparing dinner for Grey, while leaving Ralph to fend for himself. I had time for NOTHING, as class was starting, oh, THEN.
*LOVED my seminar. Teacher is a lawyer, and used to run her own firm specializing in domestic violence and assault. She's FUUUUUUNNY! And the online environment & set-up is pretty snazzy. Class seems enjoyable. Teacher already praised my level of participation & assistance with other students. Turning into teacher's pet on the first damn day. Ugh, here we go again. Heh.
*Checked out my OTHER class. HOLY shitonastick. Prof is a retired Deputy Director for the Criminal Justice Institute in...somewhere, LOL. But he's ALL up in the discussion boards already, and seminar isn't until MONDAY night!
*Attempted to do my first discussion board post regarding the surrendering of personal freedoms in order to facilitate the safety of the general population. Wound up typing half a FUCKING NOVEL before realizing, uh... he only wants a minimum of 100 words, and this is NOT a term paper. Heh. I think my brain went into HAPPY DANCE BACK IN COLLEGE MODE and tried to pile drive a thesis into the poor discussion forum. Cut and pasted what I had typed for possible further use, and STILL couldn't make my brain slow down. Instead, commented back and forth TWICE with another student's submission, each of THOSE being at least 100 words. *sigh* I gotta try and BREATHE a little on this, I can see. Maybe I'm just all too excited, and not quite used to the "intro-type" classes anymore, since I've already got 2 1/2 years under me.
*Spent 11pm - 12:30am TRYING to get Greyson to settle the HELL down, instead of wanting to jump on the bed, or talk incessantly about the spider under the table making a web when we went for ice cream DAYS ago, or the fact that he has all of a sudden decided that he wants to pee standing up JUST TODAY, and managed to stay dry from 6pm on DUE to this fact, and on and on and blah blah blah ears bleeding now must make him stop.
*Thought I'd pass out once his eyes were *officially* closed. NOPE! I'm HERE! And I'm trying to resist the ITCHING temptation to log back into class and attempt that DAMNED discussion Q again.

Someone slip something into my drink, please. I think a nice sedative would do the trick. ;)

You'd think God was a screwdriver...

2008-10-15T03:09:00.000-05:00

For the way that I have been dealing with life lately. (Did ANYONE catch that? No? Ah, HELL with it... I'm not trying to be witty anymore right now. Hmph.)

I got an email timestamped at 5:33pm from Kaplan, stating that my student account was full-speed-ahead.

I *attempted* to log in at 8:17pm - UBER FAIL! I got a message that my "Student Account has been Disabled." Wha?

At 8:19pm, I call Technical Support, only to be told that according to them, there is a notation on my account that I am missing financial aid documents. What are they? They haven't a clue - just that Financial Aid closed... *19 minutes ago* and I'd have to call them in the morning.

I have completed my FAFSA, and gotten confirmation from Federal Aid.

I have signed my Master Promissory Note for student loans, and gotten confirmation from THEM.

I have ENROLLED with Kaplan for my first two courses... the first of which starts TOMORROW NIGHT @ 7.

I got my BOOKS for said course this morning.

I'm lost. I now need to call Financial Aid at 8am BEFORE my 4 hour Pain ~~Clinic~~ session at 9. Aaaaagh!

I was also ~~attacked with guilt~~ spoken to about the stress that the hubby is under about being the *sole provider* for the last 3 years. Um, yeah. I'm feeling it, too.

OF COURSE, that has been *quadrupled* since we got a letter stating that after a MONTH of waiting? Unemployment has denied him. Even though they told him they saw no reason to not accept him. Hmm. Appeal has been sent, thankyouverymuchyouevilshitheads.

So, I've been plundering through various job listings in search for SOMETHING that I could possibly accomplish while ~~sitting on my ass~~ still remaining at home and caring for my son & my own medical conditions.

Did you know that I can be a Greeting Card Writer? Honest. I am a published poet, so now I get to plunge through my YEARS' worth of poetry and then maybe try writing some more. Hey - it's worth $300 a pop if they are selected. =)

I've also applied for a couple medical transcription jobs, since hey! I did that when I worked at a podiatry office (feet - ewwww!), even mid-surgical assistance. Yes, I am that good. Hah.

So, we'll see. It seems that's all there IS around here lately - a whole shitload of "we'll see." It's what I have to tell Greyson every time he asks for a new toy he sees on television, or whether or not we can go someplace that, no doubt, costs money. Hell, it's what I have to mentally tell myself every time I look at a bill that comes in the mail. "Will this get paid? Hmm, we'll see." "Will they repo my car? Hmm, we'll see." "Will we be living off Ramen noodles and Kool-Aid soon? Hmm, we'll see."

Meanwhile, I have *SO* much to look forward to in the morning, you know, with all the veritable poking and prodding that awaits me while I see not one, not two, but a battery of *6* specialists in the morning, to try and evalute my condition(s) and 'see what they can do for me.' Ha! I'd like to see what they can do for me, too - but don't expect me to not bring my ~~worthless~~ pain medication with me! Take THAT, herniated disks and fibromyalgia!!

Who am *I* kidding? It's 3:30am and I have to leave at 8:30... I'm screwed. And it's NOT the nice kind, either.

Hope your Wednesday is better than mine is projecting to be!

Musician...Mommy...MAYHEM!

Drowning

It's no wonder that I like so few people...

I have a favor to ask.

Sigh of Relief...

Damnit.

The Dangers of Coming Home

The Near Disaster of Jury Duty

200th Post, Say What?

I. HATE. BLOGGER.

What the... SNOW? Seriously?!?!?!

Tee Hee!

Well, Things Haven't Quite Gone As Planned...

As the weekend begins...

Such a Beautiful Day Outside, Such a Grievous and Chaotic Day Inside...

Phew! One Down, One to Go!... and The Toddler Who Read, and Read, and Read Some More!

Just... God Damnit.

Beautiful

To Share a Bit of Sorrow

Wiped Out

Inappropriate Card Day!!!

Tired and Complicated

I Have Found the Secret...

Neurologist Visit

The Back of My Head is NUMB.

I Bet You Had No Idea...BEFORE They Picked the "Current" Bella. Heh.

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Closure... Long Distance

And Yet, Once Again, I Find Myself Saying, "Fuuuuuuuu...."

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...

Looking Forward to A Doctor's Visit?

A Step in the Right Direction

Duuuuude...

Feel Like I've Been Beaten...

SON OF A...

Doing a Little Happy Dance...

Seriously?

This is What Avoidance Results In...

I Can Finally Take a SMALL Breath...

My Brain is Twitching From TOO MUCH LAW.

A Tribute... to my distant relative via marriage, and his final song which summarizes SO much it brings me to tears...

C-O-L-D

Ouuuuuuuch.

In Stitches!

2009! What a Difference the Date Makes!

Randomness Beyond Bounds

MIGRAINES. SUCK.

Secret Santa... Can SUCK IT!

And Then the OTHER Shoe Fell...

*cough cough*

Ha ha ha... I mean, Ho Ho Ho!

The Universe Doesn't Want Gideon's Trumpet to be Read...

How Bad is it...

Bah Humbug

I Need to Just Attach My Camera to My Hand

*WHEW*

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Today is a day...

Not Only am I Sick...

My Love-Hate Relationship with Photography

Stho I'b Feelwing a Bid Sthick...

Just Say DUH.

And That's the Way the Pumpkin Crumbles.

Signs of a Happy Three Year Old!

Three Years Ago Today...

Google Strikes Again

My Strange Little Man...

Can I Just Say...

And then my car, it was possessed.

So, Yesterday...

I've Been Spinning...

These Hands are Weary, This Mind is Becoming Fragile

Happy Birthday!

Someone Traded My Child

Good Enough

Officially Screwed

Fall back... and screw up the kiddo's sleep schedule!

Trick-or-Treat! IS OVER!

Boo! #2

Pecking

cough cough

WHEW

Doing a Happy Dance