Drowning

I haven't written here in so long, I'm not quite sure how to lay claims to a starting place. 

Going back to school has consumed SO much of me, agreeing to take an extra class and pushing my courses to 6 credits past full-time every term from now on, unless I scream "Stop!" at my advisory board.  Amazingly, I am still managing a 'A' average across all my course, and have remained on the President's List at Kaplan.

Having a bit more time to focus on something other than criminal and constitutional law, criminological assessments and theory, and the general state of deprivation of our country would be a fabulous thing.  I imagine that every waking minute that is not devoted to some form of schoolwork is consumed by Greyson - and with attitude he has developed as of late, is a LOT of time.

I NEED to get going with the rest of my training to become a medical transcriptionist, but I cannot find the motivation to jump in with both feet in the rare occassions that I am not otherwise engulfed to my eyeballs.  It's been SO hard, and I'm amazed that I haven't collapsed in a corner yet - not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind.

This past weekend, we had to make the long drive to Roscommon, Michigan to attempt the creation of an estate for my late great-uncle, as well as retrieve anything of importance from his house.  I knew it would be rough, but I suppose I didn't quite prepare myself for the items that I could come across that dealt with more than just his passing - photos of the grandfather I never got to meet, photos of my dad when he was still able to hold Greyson, numerous photos of my grandmother where it has been discovered that SOMEHOW, we share a slight resemblance.  Photos of funerals.  Funerals of MANY loved ones.  Even things like the grave markers of my uncle's two favorite cats out near the woods.  Yikes.

Overall, the trip was a needed getaway, though not without its stressors.  Greyson unleashed his fury at least ONE of the nights at the hotel, as well as in the car on our journey home, and I can assure you it was far from pleasant.  I think my body is finally closer to being fully recovered from an uncomfortable mattress for three nights combined with the sheer hell of driving 16 hours between Thursday and Sunday.  I may even be underestimating the time a bit, at this point, I couldn't give you an accurate estimate if I tried.

The biggest crisis (at least in my case)?  NO WIFI.  Yep, the WiFi I should have had was apparently out of service the entire stay... which meant nothing less than being unable to access any form of my college login, nor do any research for the papers that I had due shortly after returning home.  In fact, I'm STILL a bit behind - but luckily not behind enough where it has changed my grade.  So that's still a bonus, I suppose.

I have generally had SO much on my mind lately, both with my own things, as well as situations with others.  I can only imagine the personal hells that some of my nearest and dearest are going through right now, and it pains me that I can only do so much, and that I cannot be a shoulder more often than truth.  It is truly times like these where I know who knows that I think of them DAILY, and also come to the sad conclusions on those who apparently don't.  The worst part is that I no longer have any energy beyond what I have already shown in order to convince anyone to take a second look.  I'm done, I'm spent.

Perhaps, I'll find some new footing soon.  In all likelihood, I won't.  Should I even care?  I don't think that I can manage to focus on much more than making my success happen, and the world that my son relies on is consistent and happy.  I can't put him through having a miserable mommy, and damned if I will let anything stand on my way of getting to where I want to be for myself, either.  I'm counting down the courses I have left, and the end is in sight.  Next summer should entertain my last course - at least as far as my Bachelors is concerned.  At this point, I'm considering a short reprieve with working only before tackling my Masters.  I truly do have the goal to work for the FBI, and at the very least, I WILL barrel my way down the path I need to in order to TRY.

For now, all I can hope for is that I can get in some good breaths in the midst of the waves crashing around me right now.  Those who don't support me can gladly get out of my way.