Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Tee Hee!

Okay people... first, I was BURIED in snow ON MY BIRTHDAY.  IN CHICAGO.  On the 29th of MARCH.  Has Mother Nature forgotten what time of year it is because we changed the daylight savings dates?!?!?

And then, I got to spend my birthday in the hospital with Ralph.  Looking at a foot with only 4 toes.  YUM.  Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE feet?!?!  And this is even talking the normal, 5-toed variety.  Joy.

BUT!  He got to come home today!!  Yippee!  Of course, he's hobbling a bit, but my god, he has NO PAIN.  If I had a toe cut off, I'd be in pain.  Wouldn't YOU be in pain?  But nope - for him?  Nada.  Lucky man.

I'm hoping that Ralph's return will change Grey's behavior some.  He's been, well... not so nice.  Today, he wasn't cranky... he was just plain CRAZY!!  I haven't seen him this goofy in a LONG time... and it was ALL day!!  He was near tears because he wanted GRITS for dinner.  Yep.  He cried because no one was JUMPING up to make them at that VERY MOMENT, and he ate almost two full packets of them.  Weirdo.  I offered him ravioli... he wanted GRITS.  Sometimes I wonder about that boy...  I guess he got a good dose of his Papa in him, since he was raised down south.  Who knows?!?!

AND!  I have actual tickets booked for a SOLO trip to Arizona the first weekend of May... I cannot WAIT!  I'm determined to come home TAN.  Last year when I was out there, the weather was like here in April...  So, no tan then.  COMPLETE.  DETERMINATION. THIS TIME.  Heh.

I have a meds followup tomorrow, because obviously?  I am NOT asleep, and it is after midnight.  And I have had to hit backspace 11,000 times already.  So, I'm awake, but not quite coherent.  Shouldn't that mean I'm TIRED?  Ah, but no... my body screams, "SLEEP IS NOT A WORD IN YOUR VOCABULARY!!!" almost every night.  So, off I go to see what comes next.  Can you believe I had a brief conversation over the phone with my doctor about Xyrem (which I found out is fucking GHB!!!!????) to make me sleep?!?!  I hope there's a step BEFORE that...  I mean, I guess I could sell it for income...  No, no... that wouldn't look too good while trying to get my CSI degree.  Heh.  HEH HEH, even.

I'm gonna go try and hypnotize myself to sleep with boring, late night TV.  Hope you all had a better past few days than me!!


Monday, March 23, 2009

Well, Things Haven't Quite Gone As Planned...

There was no lunch date with the hubby - he didn't wake up until 1:30pm, so that idea was a tad shot out of the water.  He didn't check into the hospital yet, either - he is going tomorrow (Monday).  I sincerely hope that he called his doctor (since he was given his cell number) to make sure that pre-admission arrangements are made, so this can all go more smoothly.  Otherwise, he's going to have a LONG wait in admissions while they try to get a hold of the doctor and find a room and bed for him.  *sigh*

Greyson had an... interesting day today.  Hubby punished him for his behavior Saturday night (while Daddy wasn't home) all because he had told him before he left that he had "better behave for Mommy," and his attitude pretty much plummeted shortly after Ralph packed up and took off for his show.  He did an amazing job of sitting on the bed, though (I still let him watch a movie).

Later on, he was made to sit in his chair (by Dad) because of not listening.  All he  had to do was apologize, and the stubborn little stinker sat there for a good 45 minutes before he would apologize... and then, only to me.  While I got the biggest hugs in the world, he said that he was "upset with Daddy because he yelled and spanked his butt."  Well, can't argue there - be we did talk about how Daddy didn't do these things while he was behaving, so it wasn't *too* fair to be upset enough to not apologize, and that if he apologized, I'm sure that Daddy would, too.

Greyson *finally* apologized to Ralph.  Ralph did not.  Eh.

On the lighter side, I have in the works a FABULOUS vacation being planned out, just me, to get away for at least a LITTLE bit, to sunny Arizona, courtesy of my BESTEST Bea.  (Love you, hon!!!)  She's covering my flight as a birthday present... and I couldn't be happier.  It's such a great gesture, that I am going to have to load myself with something *extra* special to bring along with me!!  I truly canNOT wait... but even knowing that it IS going to happen helps lighten the load a little.  I felt absolutely refreshed after visiting last March, that I know this will be great for my mind, body, and soul... and believe me, they ALL need it!  =)

Greyson is BLOWING me away EVERY. DAY. by bringing me books... and then reading him themself.  He still has a bit of trouble with BRAND new words sometimes, because those PESKY vowels have two sounds, and he can't always decide which one is the *right* one.  I mean, C'MON!  Who made up THAT rule anyways?!?  hehehehe

I will have to scan and post a letter he wrote me...  Greyson Loves Mom.  Is that enough to melt your heart, or what?  I constantly find pieces of paper around the house adorned with his adorable rendition of his name... and am SOOO proud of how well he has developed in forming his letters, with little help at all!!!  SOMEONE is helping this kid out, once again...  I suppose I may be able to look at the stars and thank my grandma, my mother-in-law, and my Mamaw...  I'm sure it's not the first time, and I can pretty much be assured it's not the last.  =)

SO, we are starting a new week... a HECTIC week, as one would have it, but a NEW week anyhow... we'll see how this one pans out!  *crossing fingers*  It's almost ALWAYS an issue when Grey KNOWS that Daddy is not going to be around, as apparently, he has taken the role of "The Punisher" now in Grey's mind, and Mommy is one whose buttons need to be pushed, prodded, and sometimes JAMMED, just to see what he can get away with.  Nice to know that SOME part of him is truly still three, as frustrating as that is daily anyhow!!!

I *do* need to fill out the paperwork to enroll him in our school district's preschool program... and then will come "the testing."  I'm almost afraid to hear what they will tell me, especially knowing most of the psychologists in the school system!!!  I'm sure that the entire process will be an adventure!!! =P


Saturday, March 21, 2009

As the weekend begins...

It ends, too.  REALLY fast, apparently.  Ralph has a show tonight in Joliet, so he has been gone since about 5pm.  Greyson *lost it* and instead of getting the USUAL "Movie Night" that we have on nights where Daddy has a show, he instead got sent to bed at 7pm instead of 9.  I KNOW I'm probably going to regret it in the morning, but he SOOOOO needed to just go to sleep!!!

Tomorrow, I am *hoping* to be able to at least go out to lunch with Ralph, since Thursday was our anniversary... which, unfortunately, went unacknowledged until I asked about lunch Sunday last night.  He's checking into the hospital Sunday evening / afternoon, so it's pretty much the last chance we'll get to spend time together for who knows HOW long... it all depends on how long they want him there for IV antibiotics, and if they decide that the infection level is low enough for surgery NOW (or if it's even needed), or if he has to come back AGAIN after a super-long course of IV antibiotics, even at home, since they'll be sending him home with a PICC line again, just like when we found out he was diabetic almost 2 years ago.  *sigh*

I recently reconnected with an old friend from school, who invited me into a monthly playgroup, essentially comprised of all women I went to high school with... and I'm JAZZED!  It's something that, I think, is desperately needed both for Greyson and for me - we are both feeding off of each other's cabin fever, and the stress levels get *rather* high.

I hardly ever get out anymore... seriously.  I'm lucky if I'm away from the house once a week, and even then it's usually a doctor's appointment of some sort.  I really, REALLY need to find some sort of motivation, because I think I've only consumed *maybe* 500 a day for the last week or more, and yet, with the meds, I've gained weight according to my last Dr. visit.  Luckily, they are testing my thyroid, because ONE of my doctors really thinks that there is a problem there.  LUCKY ME!  Just one more pill to take, one more medical condition to tack on to my long list of ailments.

God, I hope Greyson keeps his AWESOME immunity and health... I am SO afraid of him becoming diabetic, even if it's as late as Ralph was diagnosed.  Other than that, the only thing I can foresee is that I think he inherited the extra vertebra where the cervical spine becomes the thoracic... My dad has it, and so do I.  Yippee!

I need sleep.  I don't know how well that will fare, but I need to try.  Luckily, I have a "med review" on the 31st, and there's been talk of some pretty serious changes to what I have to take daily.  13 pills a day as it is, let's see what we can get up to next!!!  =P

Wish me a better day tomorrow than today!!  =)  XOXO

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Such a Beautiful Day Outside, Such a Grievous and Chaotic Day Inside...

It is actually 70 degrees outside right now.  Here.  March in Chicago and it's NOT. SNOWING.

I haven't been able to get Greyson outside yet today, because I've been spending part of the day grieving a bit for an old school friend who, as of last notification, shot and killed himself yesterday.  That's the only information that I have, and it seems that everyone I know that was still in touch with him is at a standstill as far as information goes.

Another part of my day has been spent looking for the mysterious disappearing chicken, who, even after digging through two separate freezers, twice each,  until I could no longer feel my fingertips, was still missing... until I went back to the first freezer and GEE WHIZ!  It's in a DIFFERENT color bag than I was TOLD it was in, and I found it - after wasting a good 30-45 minutes of my day of trying to find it and then ALSO discovering that the corned beef I was going to make?  YEAH... all the makings for it got FROZEN.  So, dinner prep was a bit of a panic with a three year old who has decided that Mommy is NO longer boss of HIM running around and making me lose what little bit of sanity I have left.

The good news?  This term of college is DONE... finals and all.  And once again, PRAISE the friggin EVERYTHING (LOL) I am walking away with another 4.0.  WHEW!!!  I wasn't sure I was going to be able to pull it off this term (friggin LAW class!), but FINALLY - I'm done.

Now I have Intermediate Algebra and Terrorism Today to tackle starting the 25th.  JOY!!!  =X
Now, honestly, I need to throw this question out here, because I'm hoping that someone, ANYONE, will have insight for me.

WHAT do you do with a three year old boy, who is reading and trying his hand at writing rather well, considering, that decides that, suddenly, one day, he is "the BOSS, and will do whatever (he) feels like or will say whatever (he) feels like saying?!?!?!"  Seriously people.  I am at my wit's end, seemingly, ONCE again, wondering just WHAT this kid is trying to DO to me!  No punishment touches him - he gets things taken from him, both actual physical items as well as privileges, he gets stuck in time out, he gets spankings (and even THESE don't phase him, so they are pretty much no longer used)... I'm lost.

He almost consistently wakes up too early, but absolutely WILL NOT NAP... I KNOW that part of the issue is him being overtired... but when an attempted nap time turns into nothing more than a screaming match... is it really worth it??  I can't just wait until he is THAT tired where he'll fall asleep without fighting, because that's pretty much DINNERTIME.  And then he will literally stay awake until at least 1 am.  No joke.

I feel myself getting stressed out more and more every day, and it's not helping matters - I KNOW this.  But it's harder and harder to gain control of the "take a deep breath and count to 10" kinda deal.  I just... get LOST in the moment and have no clue as to what step to take next.  I am trying to grasp tight to the notion that "Nobody Can Hurt Me Without My Permission" - but my GOD, is that difficult sometimes!!

As it stands, my blood pressure, which is normally so low that, while in labor, they thought I was going to pass out because the combination of my normally low pressure and the effects of the medication brought it to a staggering 80/52...  last night, my BP was 157/96.  I thought I was going to blow a gasket just looking at that number - I have NEVER had high blood pressure in my LIFE... and now suddenly THIS creeps up out of NOWHERE?  Something's not right... and something needs to be done SOON.

I had a 2nd MRI... and I have yet to make a followup with the neurologist.  WHY?  Because I'm SCARED.  Either I'm having surgery, or I'm being sent to yet ANOTHER pain clinic, except this time it's not PT, it's alternate drug therapies...  Neither sounds fun, believe me. 

I also have to determine when, if EVER, is a good time to start looking for internships.  I'm pretty much positive THAT'S not going to happen until the Fall or later, when I can get Greyson going in preschool...  it's just... NOT gonna work right now, that's for sure.

*sigh*  I'm stressed out TYPING this!  I need to try and take a breather...

Monday, March 9, 2009

Phew! One Down, One to Go!... and The Toddler Who Read, and Read, and Read Some More!

I am officially done with one of my two final papers for this term (each term laast 10 weeks - I know, strange, but that's what I get when i opt to accelerated learning).  My OLD transcripts should arrive at Kapln either Tuesday or Wednesday...and believe me, I know that it's pushing that deadline awfully quickly, since term ends March 17th.  So far, so good with class - no 100%'s across the board like last term, but I should again pull a *minumum* a Dean's List honor, if not the full-fledged President's Honor as I did for October through Janusry.  Eh.  I just want A's so I can maintain my rockin 4.0.  So THERE.

I've been briefly contemplating adding a third class to my load for next term... but with having to take college-level algebra AGAIN, as well as "Terrorism Today," I'm not sure what exactly would work well with the above-mentioned duo... unless I take a criminal psychology course, since I have had so much psych pumped into my veins in the past, my marrow whould be spitting it out along with new blood cells.

Any opinions on adding a third course?  Do you think I can handle it?!?!  Eep!
For those of you who have asked... yes, I'm okay.  Not necessarily 100% okay, but I'm surviving.  Things are simply in a deep financial rut, and I'm trying my damndest to find a job here from home in case a) I DO need spinal surgery, a b) the weather goes damn haywire, bring my fibro pain levels up to a decrepit high.  Hell, if I dtill felt GOOD, we've have no problem... except for that until August, my son does not qualify for district prechool, so my paycheck would essentiall be turned over to my employer just for him to be in the building with me, but to have others care for him.  Hmmmm, gee, what a hard choice THAT creates,  Duh.

So, anyone want a bookkeeper, transciptionst, order proessor, data processor/proofreader?  I have experience with all of the above so (turns into a little girl)  Pick me! Pick Me! PICK ME!!!  Heh.

I think I need to get some sleep... I have to write a criminal statue on cyberbullying, including the defintions, forms, and possible punishments involved.  It just makes me wanna PUKE.
On a happier note... (or a "bring me a brick wall" note), Greyson has been READING.  EVERYTHING.  In the grocery store - "OH!  This isle says first aid, we have to look for more bandaids here!" or "Mom, the milk is dated March 18th, is that okay?"  YES.  We get looks ALL the time.  NO, we have put NO pressure on him to read.  OH!  And we have in no way shape, or form done anything to him for him to come up to me and ask if he could watch an online autopsy video "to see what's inside everyone."  Yikes.  He was actually studying my new MRIs in comparisons to the ones from his past October.  "Is that where your bad discs are, Mommy?"  I'm tellling ya... Dr. Circelli by day - Iron Greyson by night.  This child NEVER provides a dull moment. 
Want an awesomely cute three year old?  For a day?  An hour?  Okay, how about a few minutes?!?!  So far, he's only cut paper with scissors, so at least you're safe on that part, so far... hehehe

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Just... God Damnit.

I am just... in a BAD situation right now.  Okay, that's nor fair - the whole FAMILY is in a bad situation.

Anybody who cares... can you just say a little prayer, think a little thought, send some good vibes out into the Universe... something.

I can't (don't want to?) go into details right now... but we're up shit creek.  No paddles.  No escape route.  And it's looking like a waterfall coming up on our rickety little canoe.

I had another MRI yesterday.  Things are defnintely worse... so now I honestly am in fear of having to need spinal surgery.  We're financiially FUCKED... and that's putting it LIGHTLY.

I think the ONLY good news is that Greyson is at LEAST 99% potty trained, and that Ralp is getting the care he needs on his diabetic ulcer on his foot.

Fuck.  Double fuck.  I can't even SEE the silver lining right now...

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


I’m looking for a way to feel you hold me

Feel your heartbeat just one more time

Reaching back, trying to touch the moment

Each precious minute that you were mine

How do you prepare

When you love someone this way

To let them go a little more each day?

The stars we put in place

The dreams we didn’t waste

The sorrows we embraced

The world belonged to you and me

The oceans that we crossed

The innocence we lost

The hurting at the end

I’d go there again

‘Cause it was beautiful

It was beautiful

Some days, missing you is overwhelming

When it hits me you’re not coming back

And in my darkest hours, I have wondered

Was it worth it for the time we had?

My thoughts get kind of scattered

But one thing I know is true

I blessed the day that I found you

The stars we put in place

The dreams we didn’t waste

The sorrows we embraced

The world belonged to you and me

The oceans that we crossed

The innocence we lost

The hurting at the end

I’d go there again

‘Cause it was beautiful

It was beautiful

The rules we stepped aside

The fear that we defied

The thrill of the ride

The fire in our hearts that burned

The oceans that we crossed

The innocence we lost

The hurting at the end

I’d go there again

‘Cause it was beautiful

It was beautiful

~~~ Amy Grant & Vince Gill ~~~

(agreeably, NOT my typical style of music... but my God, this song is, well, BEAUTIFUL. And MEANINGFUL, on many different levels...)

Sunday, March 1, 2009

To Share a Bit of Sorrow

A dear, dear friend of mine lost her mother on February 9th. She was really unable to even find the time to let me know her mom was gone until now, after flying back home from her family out in California. Apparently, Mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer on the 6th, and had only those last three days to fight.

If you're the praying kind, pray for her.
If you're the blessings kind, bless her.
If you're the thinking of you kind, please think of her.
If only a random, passing thought... send a little love her way. Jeana has been like family to me, and was a shining light while we were still in our old apartment where I had no one else around. She's still very raw from this, as expected, and any little bit of love will only help her heal.

Thanks, everyone.

Wiped Out

I haven't been able to write lately. I probably shouldn't be writing right now. The stresses of this term of college combined with a continuously-developing three year old who not only can rattle off the spellings of his full name as well as tell you our entire address and phone number, but yesterday astonished me by reading a newly-explored book meant for elementary school-aged kids... starting the process of re-doing our bedroom complete with a brsnd new frame, mattress, bedset, all new pillows... *sigh* There has simply been so much to do, and so much more cold, winter weather still lingering that is clinging to my body like a leaden suit, magnifying the oh-so-persistent pains of not only the fibromyalgia, but also the herniations in my back that send spasms of pain down sometimes both legs at once.

There have been days I question taking on the task of returning to school at this point in my life, if for no other reason than the absolutely exhausting mental tasks that these two current courses have required. I have yet to experience a single week without at least one research paper due, and I am now, after this current paper, facing finals - two incredibly detailed research papers dealing with both the investigational and legal aspects of the criminal justice system. There are times where I catch myself somewhat laughing at myself, having gone from an original major upon finishing high school of both music and psychology with a goal of becoming a music therapist, making the decision to toss all that aside and enter the world of a crime scene investigator. I wonder what I will be facing, knowing that the medical limitations on me right now would leave any prospective employer laughing before offering me a position working as an on-scene investigator - especially with me wanting to become sworn and not just remain a civillian investigator. I wonder how I am going to be, facing possible swing shifts and needing to be focused and prepped at different times throughout the week, knowing that right now, I completely rely on prescribed medication in order to barely get the sleep I need as a stay at home mom... and even then, sometimes, it's like grasping at straws wondering if those pills will work one more time. I think the running total has been nine different medications over the course of two-plus years in order to try and bring me that absolute essential of life.

I have both the relief and stress that comes from being in the same house as my parents for this overwhelmingly NEW shift in my life. It's not always pretty, but there are times it's my lifesaver, my rescue raft. But even now, knowing that when I need it, I will have eyes to watch Grey while I go for my second MRI, I am finding myself lost in even deciding when I have the time - even though only when I have it completed will I know what next fate holds for me, be it having to schedule spinal surgery or fit multiple appointments at yet a different pain management clinic in order to try and attain some level of normalcy on my day-to-day functional levels.  And also knowing that, as I do this, I have to continue to look for some form of employment - even at a part-time level - in order to keep this little family of mine afloat, trying not to be downtrodden by the numerous applications that I have already submitted and heard not a peep from.  There are only so many positions available where I could actually perform at an optimal level for that specific job, and also know that I'd actually be able to get out of my car by myself after I drove home again.

There are times where I wonder just how or why I have been hit by this pain.  The spinal issues - okay, Dad's side is chock full of degenerative disc disease.  But something else has caused this late-in-life scoliosis (as minor as it may be), something else has triggered this hell they call Fibromyalgia.  And only for the last year or so has there been a singe medication approved for the treatment of it.  I'm on a high dose as it is, at 300mg, and even then, there is no such thing as full relief - only a higher risk of drug-related weight gain, which in turn puts more stress on my body.  A wonderfully spinning catch-22 for all of my ailments.

I feel as if I'm become this horrible friend, choosing to spend the majority of my free time, the little that there is, at home and trying to rest up for tackling the next day ahead, especially since I can never truly predict just how the mext morning will find me.  There is so much that I have missed, so much that I feel others hold against me, for not being that initiator of contact that when I do, it goes unnoticed.  I find myself wanting to do oh SO much, yet failing to find that energy that even less than a handful of years ago I had more than enough of... and I have yet to even face the big "3-0". 

I keep trying to tell myself that it will all work out, that I will find again what has gone missing from this shell of "me," and yet day by day I seem to lose sight of it even more.  And damn, if there aren't some days that I don't even know how to fight for it anymore... IF I can fight for it anymore.  My mind can go wherever it pleases, but if the body is unwilling or unable, well... here I sit.

I am trying to hold onto some possible optimism, that I am supposed to be involved in a new study for fibromyalgia treatment this month.  Will I see results?  Only time will tell on that one.  As for now, I face scheduling one more test to see if anything can be done for this searing back pain... three more papers by the 17th to determine my student status at the end of yet one more term... appointments with not just one, but three separate doctors to try and manage the different facets of my daily medical needs.... a son who very obviously needs less sleep than I do, and is quickly leaving me at a loss of what to do to keep his exponentially developing mind occupied... a husband who, having just gotten out of the hospital himself once again for diabetic complications, needs to rely on me for things that I wish I could promise but can't always keep up with what my mind holds in its plans... friends that I fear losing all for what I have no control over, and wondering if that makes them truly friends anymore at all...

With that, I'll shuffle myself into the kitchen to throw together a leftovers of a dinner for those who need me right now, including the little man who is currently singing along to one of Metallica's newest releases on his Mp3 player, and the big man who is only doing God knows what in the lower level we call "home."  I'll walk the patterns of the everyday in the hopes that one of these times I'll stumble upon something new, something enthralling and envigorating, something that will give me a little sense of the self that once was. 

For those of you who have lingered and clung to me as I have clung to you through everything... I can only begin to put into words just how much that means to me every waking minute (one of you especially).  I promise, someday, it will be paid back, I will find a way...