Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Randomness Beyond Bounds

So, I haven't had much to say in a while - or rather, not much to say in the actual form of words.  My thoughts lately have been centered around a mass of mumbles, grumbles, whimpers, tears, growls, and sometimes the general hollow ringing of an infrequently empty shell of a mind.

Christmas is now, by the time on the clock, officially in TWO F'IN DAYS.  Do you know what we have accomplished in regards to this mockery of a holiday?
Dinner:  Every last bit and piece STILL at the store.  Recipes to be rifled through to make my final determinations as to *which 6* (yes, 6) different cheesecakes I will be making for Christmas.  Greyson has yet to see Santa, because the night we were *supposed* to go, it decided to DOWNPOUR.  I couldn't evenget good photos of the light displays because it was raining THAT hard - I have water orbs filling the entrire foreground of every single shot.  Since that night, the weather here in Chicago has gone WONKY.  It rained ICE, then it froze solid layers of it over our cars that I had to bust through on a FREEZING ASS COLD morning last Monday to get to the Pain Clinic - to be told that, YES, the x-rays on my neck show no structural abnormalities (other than the extra vertebra which in turn causes an extra curve where my thoracic meets the cervical), so *we are discharging you from physical therapy, even though your averages on the pain scale have only decreased by about 1.5.  Go. Me. *thwack*
Oh, and the presents?  *insert maniacal laughter here*  Not only am I in possession only ONE DS game, ONE pair of pants, and a digital microscope for Greyson, but I have NO cards, and the 'Christmas Letters' that I was going to send out to friends and family?  The paper is still in the package, along with the envelopes, in my filing cabinet drawer.  Heh.  They have officially decided to become "New Year's Letters" due to a case of 'Momma is in a Funk-dom'.
We are planning the *food* shopping portion of Christmas today (Tuesday), as well as (hopefully) taking Grey to see Santa.  Though I'm trying to calculate in my head if we should attempt to finish gift shopping today, and Santa tomorrow... I don't know exactly what the final stats will be until I though the idea out to my Mom.
BUT!  You wanna hear the *fun* part?  Here's me, and my mom, with a cane from a bad foot and ankle after three separate surgeries on it, after being dumped on by layer upon layer of ice and snow to what is literally about waist-high on Greyson... with a snowblower whose auger has chosen to stop turning.  In all this mess, the hubby tried to just PUSH the snow with it, and slipped the chains off one of the tires.  And then left it at that.  Neither car is in the driveway, because if we could get them in... we probably wouldn't be able to get them out. 
I was carrying Greyson in from the car late Saturday night (after driving for TWO HOURS to get home from my SIL's house, when my foot slipped and I thought we were both going down.  Luckily, I stayed standing, but I had a sheer streak of pain go burrowing not only down my leg, but all the way across my lower back to the previously UNaffected side.  Today, again, I thought I was gonna wind up on my ass out there, because the snow HAS NOT EVEN BEEN SHOVELED!
I think someone's waiting for Suzy Snowflake to bring her little elves or some shit, because I sure as FUCK am not shoveling all the goddamn snow with pieces of disc sticking out every which way from between my vertebrae!
So, of course, since being discharged from treatment?  Yeah, I've been HURTING.  My GOD, have I.  The cold is NO friend to someone with fibromyalgia, and since it never rose out of the negative digits yesterday, nor above zero today... Eeeeeeh.  Not happy.
I *am* finished* with this term of classes, FINALLY.  I lost 2 friggin points on my PowerPoint final because?  I put too much information into each of the slides.  Oooookay.  I was simply *trying* to meet the "10-slide" format we were given... and STILL went over by 4 slides.  Oh well - class grade going from 100% to a 99%?  So there, and I don't give a damn.
My second class?  Yeah... she said she would have my final paper graded within 24 hours after she sent me a message that she received it...on THURSDAY.  Still don't have it, still don't know my final grade.  *hiss*

Greyson has become a Christmas elf, and is hoarding any and all cards that come in the mail, with an OOH and an AHH and a jubilant burst of "It says MERRY CHRISTMAS!" when he finds one that he can read.  I think he has about 10 in his little pile that just HAS to stay together - so 'Gia' told him we could hang them all up tomorrow.
Me?  I'd rather just stay in my hidey-hole of warmth in bed where there's no further risk of injuring myself.

How SAD is that?  I feel like I'm an at impasse - I'm stuck.  I feel trapped by the weather, because my God, if I were to take one bad fall on the ice?  I might not be able to get back up again.  My son?  I personally cannot do a DAMN thing about gifts for Christmas.  I am just sitting and *waiting* to hear back from this job (as a corrections officer - how funny is THAT?), but that's all I can do on that right now, too.  I feel completely stalled every direction I turn, and my brain is in overdrive, I *think* from the strenuous activities of finsihing these intense, accelerated-pace college classes.  Some days it's hard to turn all that off, and then I wind up researching different methods of evidence recovery, or the stages of rigor and livor mortis, for no explainable reason.  I actually found myself researching the why and how of Santa Claus.  Did I *need* to know?  Absolutely not - but my brain is so geeked-out by this learning again that I literally cannot stop it sometimes.

Greyson has reassured us on several occassions lately about how he IS going to be a doctor when he grows up, with reinforcements of his knowledge about how he KNOWS what is wrong with Mommy's back "see, she has bad discs, down here, between the BONES" and about how "HE can then change Papa's trach for him and help him breathe better with the suction catheter."  YES, he knows all these words, and knows the reasons  behind them.  He wants to "discuss science" every night at bedtime, prying from Mommy every bit of science and medical information I can transform into a three year old's sense of being.  He know knows about his ribs, and his skull, and what they protect, about his heart and lungs and what their functions are...  We have noted on the differences between hearing your voice from the inside as opposed to from the outside, and he knows that your voice is based on your larynx.

I think he really IS gunning towards a medical degree.  Already.  Look out, Doogie Howser!!

Actually, shortly after the new year, he will be scheduled for a developmental evaluation by our school district,so that we can save him a spot in their public preschool in the fall.  Meanwhile, I am going to look into as MANY extracurriculars as I can for him through to then, because this kid NEEDS stimulation and input - and GYMNASTICS.  He is a certified MONKEY, and has started to try and climb the insides of our doorframes, can climb up to my shoulders from the floor (and then proceed to KNEEL on my shoulders once up there)...  He's tall, and he's all lean muscle.  And nothing but ENERGY OHMYGOD.  Nobody warned me about the ATTITUDE that comes with turning three - looking back, two was a BREEZE.  I have honestly threatened to wash his mouth out with soap on a couple occassions.  It just will NOY fly in my house... especially since last week's dinner out turned into me being "the mom with THAT kid" as I carried him out of the restaurant kicking and screaming.  I am completely honest when I tell you that he has NEVER, in his LIFE, acted that way in public before.  I was absolutely embarrassed beyond my limits and ashamed of what had just erupted like Mt. St. Helen's from my little boy.  Yeow.

My stress level is UP, so my sleep level is DOWN again.  Not even a little dosing with the Ambien made it over that chasm that gets ripped open whenever my stress  levels skyrocket.  I do so hope that, maybe, with the drink I am going to pour myself, I will *finally* get some rest tonight.  After all, I have to be a WonderMom tomorrow and tackle three days' worth of activity into ONE.

Have I mentioned my stress?  Heh.

2 Harmonizations:

Anna Lefler said...

Oh, man - hang in there and, yes, definitely make them New Year's letters...or even St. Patrick's Day letters! That way you'll stand alone because no one ever goes to their mailbox and says, "Oh, CRAP, look at all these dang St. Patrick's Day letters I have to read! Ew!"

Merry Christmas!

:^) Anna

VE said...

Ok, ok, this post is so last year! ;