Tee Hee!

Okay people... first, I was BURIED in snow ON MY BIRTHDAY.  IN CHICAGO.  On the 29th of MARCH.  Has Mother Nature forgotten what time of year it is because we changed the daylight savings dates?!?!?

And then, I got to spend my birthday in the hospital with Ralph.  Looking at a foot with only 4 toes.  YUM.  Have I ever mentioned how much I HATE feet?!?!  And this is even talking the normal, 5-toed variety.  Joy.

BUT!  He got to come home today!!  Yippee!  Of course, he's hobbling a bit, but my god, he has NO PAIN.  If I had a toe cut off, I'd be in pain.  Wouldn't YOU be in pain?  But nope - for him?  Nada.  Lucky man.

I'm hoping that Ralph's return will change Grey's behavior some.  He's been, well... not so nice.  Today, he wasn't cranky... he was just plain CRAZY!!  I haven't seen him this goofy in a LONG time... and it was ALL day!!  He was near tears because he wanted GRITS for dinner.  Yep.  He cried because no one was JUMPING up to make them at that VERY MOMENT, and he ate almost two full packets of them.  Weirdo.  I offered him ravioli... he wanted GRITS.  Sometimes I wonder about that boy...  I guess he got a good dose of his Papa in him, since he was raised down south.  Who knows?!?!

AND!  I have actual tickets booked for a SOLO trip to Arizona the first weekend of May... I cannot WAIT!  I'm determined to come home TAN.  Last year when I was out there, the weather was like here in April...  So, no tan then.  COMPLETE.  DETERMINATION. THIS TIME.  Heh.

I have a meds followup tomorrow, because obviously?  I am NOT asleep, and it is after midnight.  And I have had to hit backspace 11,000 times already.  So, I'm awake, but not quite coherent.  Shouldn't that mean I'm TIRED?  Ah, but no... my body screams, "SLEEP IS NOT A WORD IN YOUR VOCABULARY!!!" almost every night.  So, off I go to see what comes next.  Can you believe I had a brief conversation over the phone with my doctor about Xyrem (which I found out is fucking GHB!!!!????) to make me sleep?!?!  I hope there's a step BEFORE that...  I mean, I guess I could sell it for income...  No, no... that wouldn't look too good while trying to get my CSI degree.  Heh.  HEH HEH, even.

I'm gonna go try and hypnotize myself to sleep with boring, late night TV.  Hope you all had a better past few days than me!!

XOXO

Well, Things Haven't Quite Gone As Planned...

There was no lunch date with the hubby - he didn't wake up until 1:30pm, so that idea was a tad shot out of the water.  He didn't check into the hospital yet, either - he is going tomorrow (Monday).  I sincerely hope that he called his doctor (since he was given his cell number) to make sure that pre-admission arrangements are made, so this can all go more smoothly.  Otherwise, he's going to have a LONG wait in admissions while they try to get a hold of the doctor and find a room and bed for him.  *sigh*

Greyson had an... interesting day today.  Hubby punished him for his behavior Saturday night (while Daddy wasn't home) all because he had told him before he left that he had "better behave for Mommy," and his attitude pretty much plummeted shortly after Ralph packed up and took off for his show.  He did an amazing job of sitting on the bed, though (I still let him watch a movie).

Later on, he was made to sit in his chair (by Dad) because of not listening.  All he  had to do was apologize, and the stubborn little stinker sat there for a good 45 minutes before he would apologize... and then, only to me.  While I got the biggest hugs in the world, he said that he was "upset with Daddy because he yelled and spanked his butt."  Well, can't argue there - be we did talk about how Daddy didn't do these things while he was behaving, so it wasn't *too* fair to be upset enough to not apologize, and that if he apologized, I'm sure that Daddy would, too.

Greyson *finally* apologized to Ralph.  Ralph did not.  Eh.

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On the lighter side, I have in the works a FABULOUS vacation being planned out, just me, to get away for at least a LITTLE bit, to sunny Arizona, courtesy of my BESTEST Bea.  (Love you, hon!!!)  She's covering my flight as a birthday present... and I couldn't be happier.  It's such a great gesture, that I am going to have to load myself with something *extra* special to bring along with me!!  I truly canNOT wait... but even knowing that it IS going to happen helps lighten the load a little.  I felt absolutely refreshed after visiting last March, that I know this will be great for my mind, body, and soul... and believe me, they ALL need it!  =)

Greyson is BLOWING me away EVERY. DAY. by bringing me books... and then reading him themself.  He still has a bit of trouble with BRAND new words sometimes, because those PESKY vowels have two sounds, and he can't always decide which one is the *right* one.  I mean, C'MON!  Who made up THAT rule anyways?!?  hehehehe

I will have to scan and post a letter he wrote me...  Greyson Loves Mom.  Is that enough to melt your heart, or what?  I constantly find pieces of paper around the house adorned with his adorable rendition of his name... and am SOOO proud of how well he has developed in forming his letters, with little help at all!!!  SOMEONE is helping this kid out, once again...  I suppose I may be able to look at the stars and thank my grandma, my mother-in-law, and my Mamaw...  I'm sure it's not the first time, and I can pretty much be assured it's not the last.  =)

SO, we are starting a new week... a HECTIC week, as one would have it, but a NEW week anyhow... we'll see how this one pans out!  *crossing fingers*  It's almost ALWAYS an issue when Grey KNOWS that Daddy is not going to be around, as apparently, he has taken the role of "The Punisher" now in Grey's mind, and Mommy is one whose buttons need to be pushed, prodded, and sometimes JAMMED, just to see what he can get away with.  Nice to know that SOME part of him is truly still three, as frustrating as that is daily anyhow!!!

I *do* need to fill out the paperwork to enroll him in our school district's preschool program... and then will come "the testing."  I'm almost afraid to hear what they will tell me, especially knowing most of the psychologists in the school system!!!  I'm sure that the entire process will be an adventure!!! =P

XOXO!

As the weekend begins...

It ends, too.  REALLY fast, apparently.  Ralph has a show tonight in Joliet, so he has been gone since about 5pm.  Greyson *lost it* and instead of getting the USUAL "Movie Night" that we have on nights where Daddy has a show, he instead got sent to bed at 7pm instead of 9.  I KNOW I'm probably going to regret it in the morning, but he SOOOOO needed to just go to sleep!!!

Tomorrow, I am *hoping* to be able to at least go out to lunch with Ralph, since Thursday was our anniversary... which, unfortunately, went unacknowledged until I asked about lunch Sunday last night.  He's checking into the hospital Sunday evening / afternoon, so it's pretty much the last chance we'll get to spend time together for who knows HOW long... it all depends on how long they want him there for IV antibiotics, and if they decide that the infection level is low enough for surgery NOW (or if it's even needed), or if he has to come back AGAIN after a super-long course of IV antibiotics, even at home, since they'll be sending him home with a PICC line again, just like when we found out he was diabetic almost 2 years ago.  *sigh*

I recently reconnected with an old friend from school, who invited me into a monthly playgroup, essentially comprised of all women I went to high school with... and I'm JAZZED!  It's something that, I think, is desperately needed both for Greyson and for me - we are both feeding off of each other's cabin fever, and the stress levels get *rather* high.

I hardly ever get out anymore... seriously.  I'm lucky if I'm away from the house once a week, and even then it's usually a doctor's appointment of some sort.  I really, REALLY need to find some sort of motivation, because I think I've only consumed *maybe* 500 a day for the last week or more, and yet, with the meds, I've gained weight according to my last Dr. visit.  Luckily, they are testing my thyroid, because ONE of my doctors really thinks that there is a problem there.  LUCKY ME!  Just one more pill to take, one more medical condition to tack on to my long list of ailments.

God, I hope Greyson keeps his AWESOME immunity and health... I am SO afraid of him becoming diabetic, even if it's as late as Ralph was diagnosed.  Other than that, the only thing I can foresee is that I think he inherited the extra vertebra where the cervical spine becomes the thoracic... My dad has it, and so do I.  Yippee!

I need sleep.  I don't know how well that will fare, but I need to try.  Luckily, I have a "med review" on the 31st, and there's been talk of some pretty serious changes to what I have to take daily.  13 pills a day as it is, let's see what we can get up to next!!!  =P

Wish me a better day tomorrow than today!!  =)  XOXO

Such a Beautiful Day Outside, Such a Grievous and Chaotic Day Inside...

It is actually 70 degrees outside right now.  Here.  March in Chicago and it's NOT. SNOWING.

I haven't been able to get Greyson outside yet today, because I've been spending part of the day grieving a bit for an old school friend who, as of last notification, shot and killed himself yesterday.  That's the only information that I have, and it seems that everyone I know that was still in touch with him is at a standstill as far as information goes.

Another part of my day has been spent looking for the mysterious disappearing chicken, who, even after digging through two separate freezers, twice each,  until I could no longer feel my fingertips, was still missing... until I went back to the first freezer and GEE WHIZ!  It's in a DIFFERENT color bag than I was TOLD it was in, and I found it - after wasting a good 30-45 minutes of my day of trying to find it and then ALSO discovering that the corned beef I was going to make?  YEAH... all the makings for it got FROZEN.  So, dinner prep was a bit of a panic with a three year old who has decided that Mommy is NO longer boss of HIM running around and making me lose what little bit of sanity I have left.

The good news?  This term of college is DONE... finals and all.  And once again, PRAISE the friggin EVERYTHING (LOL) I am walking away with another 4.0.  WHEW!!!  I wasn't sure I was going to be able to pull it off this term (friggin LAW class!), but FINALLY - I'm done.

Now I have Intermediate Algebra and Terrorism Today to tackle starting the 25th.  JOY!!!  =X
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Now, honestly, I need to throw this question out here, because I'm hoping that someone, ANYONE, will have insight for me.

WHAT do you do with a three year old boy, who is reading and trying his hand at writing rather well, considering, that decides that, suddenly, one day, he is "the BOSS, and will do whatever (he) feels like or will say whatever (he) feels like saying?!?!?!"  Seriously people.  I am at my wit's end, seemingly, ONCE again, wondering just WHAT this kid is trying to DO to me!  No punishment touches him - he gets things taken from him, both actual physical items as well as privileges, he gets stuck in time out, he gets spankings (and even THESE don't phase him, so they are pretty much no longer used)... I'm lost.

He almost consistently wakes up too early, but absolutely WILL NOT NAP... I KNOW that part of the issue is him being overtired... but when an attempted nap time turns into nothing more than a screaming match... is it really worth it??  I can't just wait until he is THAT tired where he'll fall asleep without fighting, because that's pretty much DINNERTIME.  And then he will literally stay awake until at least 1 am.  No joke.

I feel myself getting stressed out more and more every day, and it's not helping matters - I KNOW this.  But it's harder and harder to gain control of the "take a deep breath and count to 10" kinda deal.  I just... get LOST in the moment and have no clue as to what step to take next.  I am trying to grasp tight to the notion that "Nobody Can Hurt Me Without My Permission" - but my GOD, is that difficult sometimes!!

As it stands, my blood pressure, which is normally so low that, while in labor, they thought I was going to pass out because the combination of my normally low pressure and the effects of the medication brought it to a staggering 80/52...  last night, my BP was 157/96.  I thought I was going to blow a gasket just looking at that number - I have NEVER had high blood pressure in my LIFE... and now suddenly THIS creeps up out of NOWHERE?  Something's not right... and something needs to be done SOON.

I had a 2nd MRI... and I have yet to make a followup with the neurologist.  WHY?  Because I'm SCARED.  Either I'm having surgery, or I'm being sent to yet ANOTHER pain clinic, except this time it's not PT, it's alternate drug therapies...  Neither sounds fun, believe me. 

I also have to determine when, if EVER, is a good time to start looking for internships.  I'm pretty much positive THAT'S not going to happen until the Fall or later, when I can get Greyson going in preschool...  it's just... NOT gonna work right now, that's for sure.

*sigh*  I'm stressed out TYPING this!  I need to try and take a breather...

Phew! One Down, One to Go!... and The Toddler Who Read, and Read, and Read Some More!

I am officially done with one of my two final papers for this term (each term laast 10 weeks - I know, strange, but that's what I get when i opt to accelerated learning).  My OLD transcripts should arrive at Kapln either Tuesday or Wednesday...and believe me, I know that it's pushing that deadline awfully quickly, since term ends March 17th.  So far, so good with class - no 100%'s across the board like last term, but I should again pull a *minumum* a Dean's List honor, if not the full-fledged President's Honor as I did for October through Janusry.  Eh.  I just want A's so I can maintain my rockin 4.0.  So THERE.

I've been briefly contemplating adding a third class to my load for next term... but with having to take college-level algebra AGAIN, as well as "Terrorism Today," I'm not sure what exactly would work well with the above-mentioned duo... unless I take a criminal psychology course, since I have had so much psych pumped into my veins in the past, my marrow whould be spitting it out along with new blood cells.

Any opinions on adding a third course?  Do you think I can handle it?!?!  Eep!
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For those of you who have asked... yes, I'm okay.  Not necessarily 100% okay, but I'm surviving.  Things are simply in a deep financial rut, and I'm trying my damndest to find a job here from home in case a) I DO need spinal surgery, a b) the weather goes damn haywire, bring my fibro pain levels up to a decrepit high.  Hell, if I dtill felt GOOD, we've have no problem... except for that until August, my son does not qualify for district prechool, so my paycheck would essentiall be turned over to my employer just for him to be in the building with me, but to have others care for him.  Hmmmm, gee, what a hard choice THAT creates,  Duh.

So, anyone want a bookkeeper, transciptionst, order proessor, data processor/proofreader?  I have experience with all of the above so (turns into a little girl)  Pick me! Pick Me! PICK ME!!!  Heh.

I think I need to get some sleep... I have to write a criminal statue on cyberbullying, including the defintions, forms, and possible punishments involved.  It just makes me wanna PUKE.
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On a happier note... (or a "bring me a brick wall" note), Greyson has been READING.  EVERYTHING.  In the grocery store - "OH!  This isle says first aid, we have to look for more bandaids here!" or "Mom, the milk is dated March 18th, is that okay?"  YES.  We get looks ALL the time.  NO, we have put NO pressure on him to read.  OH!  And we have in no way shape, or form done anything to him for him to come up to me and ask if he could watch an online autopsy video "to see what's inside everyone."  Yikes.  He was actually studying my new MRIs in comparisons to the ones from his past October.  "Is that where your bad discs are, Mommy?"  I'm tellling ya... Dr. Circelli by day - Iron Greyson by night.  This child NEVER provides a dull moment. 
Want an awesomely cute three year old?  For a day?  An hour?  Okay, how about a few minutes?!?!  So far, he's only cut paper with scissors, so at least you're safe on that part, so far... hehehe

Just... God Damnit.

I am just... in a BAD situation right now.  Okay, that's nor fair - the whole FAMILY is in a bad situation.

Anybody who cares... can you just say a little prayer, think a little thought, send some good vibes out into the Universe... something.

I can't (don't want to?) go into details right now... but we're up shit creek.  No paddles.  No escape route.  And it's looking like a waterfall coming up on our rickety little canoe.

I had another MRI yesterday.  Things are defnintely worse... so now I honestly am in fear of having to need spinal surgery.  We're financiially FUCKED... and that's putting it LIGHTLY.

I think the ONLY good news is that Greyson is at LEAST 99% potty trained, and that Ralp is getting the care he needs on his diabetic ulcer on his foot.

Fuck.  Double fuck.  I can't even SEE the silver lining right now...

Beautiful

I’m looking for a way to feel you hold me

Feel your heartbeat just one more time

Reaching back, trying to touch the moment

Each precious minute that you were mine



How do you prepare

When you love someone this way

To let them go a little more each day?



The stars we put in place

The dreams we didn’t waste

The sorrows we embraced

The world belonged to you and me

The oceans that we crossed

The innocence we lost

The hurting at the end

I’d go there again

‘Cause it was beautiful

It was beautiful



Some days, missing you is overwhelming

When it hits me you’re not coming back

And in my darkest hours, I have wondered

Was it worth it for the time we had?



My thoughts get kind of scattered

But one thing I know is true

I blessed the day that I found you



The stars we put in place

The dreams we didn’t waste

The sorrows we embraced

The world belonged to you and me

The oceans that we crossed

The innocence we lost

The hurting at the end

I’d go there again


‘Cause it was beautiful


It was beautiful


The rules we stepped aside

The fear that we defied

The thrill of the ride

The fire in our hearts that burned

The oceans that we crossed

The innocence we lost

The hurting at the end

I’d go there again

‘Cause it was beautiful

It was beautiful



~~~ Amy Grant & Vince Gill ~~~

(agreeably, NOT my typical style of music... but my God, this song is, well, BEAUTIFUL. And MEANINGFUL, on many different levels...)

To Share a Bit of Sorrow

A dear, dear friend of mine lost her mother on February 9th. She was really unable to even find the time to let me know her mom was gone until now, after flying back home from her family out in California. Apparently, Mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer on the 6th, and had only those last three days to fight.

If you're the praying kind, pray for her.
If you're the blessings kind, bless her.
If you're the thinking of you kind, please think of her.
If only a random, passing thought... send a little love her way. Jeana has been like family to me, and was a shining light while we were still in our old apartment where I had no one else around. She's still very raw from this, as expected, and any little bit of love will only help her heal.

Thanks, everyone.

Wiped Out

I haven't been able to write lately. I probably shouldn't be writing right now. The stresses of this term of college combined with a continuously-developing three year old who not only can rattle off the spellings of his full name as well as tell you our entire address and phone number, but yesterday astonished me by reading a newly-explored book meant for elementary school-aged kids... starting the process of re-doing our bedroom complete with a brsnd new frame, mattress, bedset, all new pillows... *sigh* There has simply been so much to do, and so much more cold, winter weather still lingering that is clinging to my body like a leaden suit, magnifying the oh-so-persistent pains of not only the fibromyalgia, but also the herniations in my back that send spasms of pain down sometimes both legs at once.

There have been days I question taking on the task of returning to school at this point in my life, if for no other reason than the absolutely exhausting mental tasks that these two current courses have required. I have yet to experience a single week without at least one research paper due, and I am now, after this current paper, facing finals - two incredibly detailed research papers dealing with both the investigational and legal aspects of the criminal justice system. There are times where I catch myself somewhat laughing at myself, having gone from an original major upon finishing high school of both music and psychology with a goal of becoming a music therapist, making the decision to toss all that aside and enter the world of a crime scene investigator. I wonder what I will be facing, knowing that the medical limitations on me right now would leave any prospective employer laughing before offering me a position working as an on-scene investigator - especially with me wanting to become sworn and not just remain a civillian investigator. I wonder how I am going to be, facing possible swing shifts and needing to be focused and prepped at different times throughout the week, knowing that right now, I completely rely on prescribed medication in order to barely get the sleep I need as a stay at home mom... and even then, sometimes, it's like grasping at straws wondering if those pills will work one more time. I think the running total has been nine different medications over the course of two-plus years in order to try and bring me that absolute essential of life.

I have both the relief and stress that comes from being in the same house as my parents for this overwhelmingly NEW shift in my life. It's not always pretty, but there are times it's my lifesaver, my rescue raft. But even now, knowing that when I need it, I will have eyes to watch Grey while I go for my second MRI, I am finding myself lost in even deciding when I have the time - even though only when I have it completed will I know what next fate holds for me, be it having to schedule spinal surgery or fit multiple appointments at yet a different pain management clinic in order to try and attain some level of normalcy on my day-to-day functional levels.  And also knowing that, as I do this, I have to continue to look for some form of employment - even at a part-time level - in order to keep this little family of mine afloat, trying not to be downtrodden by the numerous applications that I have already submitted and heard not a peep from.  There are only so many positions available where I could actually perform at an optimal level for that specific job, and also know that I'd actually be able to get out of my car by myself after I drove home again.

There are times where I wonder just how or why I have been hit by this pain.  The spinal issues - okay, Dad's side is chock full of degenerative disc disease.  But something else has caused this late-in-life scoliosis (as minor as it may be), something else has triggered this hell they call Fibromyalgia.  And only for the last year or so has there been a singe medication approved for the treatment of it.  I'm on a high dose as it is, at 300mg, and even then, there is no such thing as full relief - only a higher risk of drug-related weight gain, which in turn puts more stress on my body.  A wonderfully spinning catch-22 for all of my ailments.

I feel as if I'm become this horrible friend, choosing to spend the majority of my free time, the little that there is, at home and trying to rest up for tackling the next day ahead, especially since I can never truly predict just how the mext morning will find me.  There is so much that I have missed, so much that I feel others hold against me, for not being that initiator of contact that when I do, it goes unnoticed.  I find myself wanting to do oh SO much, yet failing to find that energy that even less than a handful of years ago I had more than enough of... and I have yet to even face the big "3-0". 

I keep trying to tell myself that it will all work out, that I will find again what has gone missing from this shell of "me," and yet day by day I seem to lose sight of it even more.  And damn, if there aren't some days that I don't even know how to fight for it anymore... IF I can fight for it anymore.  My mind can go wherever it pleases, but if the body is unwilling or unable, well... here I sit.

I am trying to hold onto some possible optimism, that I am supposed to be involved in a new study for fibromyalgia treatment this month.  Will I see results?  Only time will tell on that one.  As for now, I face scheduling one more test to see if anything can be done for this searing back pain... three more papers by the 17th to determine my student status at the end of yet one more term... appointments with not just one, but three separate doctors to try and manage the different facets of my daily medical needs.... a son who very obviously needs less sleep than I do, and is quickly leaving me at a loss of what to do to keep his exponentially developing mind occupied... a husband who, having just gotten out of the hospital himself once again for diabetic complications, needs to rely on me for things that I wish I could promise but can't always keep up with what my mind holds in its plans... friends that I fear losing all for what I have no control over, and wondering if that makes them truly friends anymore at all...

With that, I'll shuffle myself into the kitchen to throw together a leftovers of a dinner for those who need me right now, including the little man who is currently singing along to one of Metallica's newest releases on his Mp3 player, and the big man who is only doing God knows what in the lower level we call "home."  I'll walk the patterns of the everyday in the hopes that one of these times I'll stumble upon something new, something enthralling and envigorating, something that will give me a little sense of the self that once was. 

For those of you who have lingered and clung to me as I have clung to you through everything... I can only begin to put into words just how much that means to me every waking minute (one of you especially).  I promise, someday, it will be paid back, I will find a way...

Larissa

Inappropriate Card Day!!!

Tired and Complicated

Well, the hubby is in the hospital... diabetic complications which have resulted in a never-healing foot ulcer becoming infected for the third time in less than two years.  The minimum he will be there is a 23-hour observation (which would mean home tomorrow evening-ish).  THANKFULLY, they will be referring him to a wound care clinic upn discharge, so that *hopefully* something will finally start heading in the right direction for this nasty, ulcerated right foot.  *shudder*

Actually, his doctor while I was there was the ONLY doctor in that ER that actually *did* anything for my pain, and got me to the point that, even though I arrived not even able to stand, I walked out of the building on my own.  Sweet.  And his nurse (former drummer, apparently!) really kicked some major bedside butt since he spent a solid 10 minutes answering any questions I had regarding Ralph's treatment and such.

At least I know that he BIG man is being taken care of.  The LITTLE man... eek.  We didn't have the greatest of days... once AGAIN.

Just before getting ready to head over to the hospital to bring Ralph a couple things (including something to eat - YUCK!  They gave him a "cold-pack lunch" that apparently tasted like it had been in someone's SHOE all day), I walk into the computer room, not only to find Grey standing in my office chair... but standing there with his fingernails painted.  Well, more like every finger from the knuckle to the tip painted.  YES... and it was up on the SECOND shelf of the compter hutch, which means that in the whole five minutes *maybe* that I was out of the room, he HAD to have climbed onto the desk ITSELF at least briefly.  *sigh*

Did I mention that he also got streaks of red, shimmery polish all over a BRAND new pair of gripper socks from Old Navy??  And *somehow* managed to get nail polish in a stripe up the inside of his thigh??  Aaaaand... (here's the kicker) he got a nickel-shaped glob of nail polish that just *barely* managed to not seep all the way through on the crotch of his UNDERWEAR.  I don't get it... was this child trying to paint hib nuts?!?  GEEBUZ!!!

So, I head to the hospital, blah blah blah... Watch the last 20 minutes of House (THAT'S how much he should appreciate me, damnit - I left to bring him food knowing FULL well that I'd be missing HOUSE!!), hang out a bit more to make sure I talk to both he nurse AND the doctor.  Great.  No problem... 8:25, gonna head home... Aaaaand, I arrive home to a *very* in trouble little boy.

He used PAM for HAIRSPRAY.  (How he even GOT into it is beyond me.)  He now looks like a greaser... and all because I *refused* to give him a bath at that moment in time, right before bed, since bathtime is a HORROR when it comes down to washing his hair.

Someone want to borrow a really CUTE three year old who's in the middle of a preschool "PMS" phase?!?

I Have Found the Secret...

To getting any form of essay done.

Take some sleeping pills, a couple of Vicodin... and three to four hours later, you somehow have a full-blown, previously unresearched paper in hand, ready to turn in - and even at an additional two pages above the required minimum!!  AND - it's completed 5 days before it is even due.  Take THAT, writer's block!

Yes, I *did* turn this paper in.  No, I have *not* yet received the grade for said paper.  Heh.

I suppose we'll see how perfect my "secret" truly is in, oh, a few days?  Hehehehe...

Neurologist Visit

Well, based on the MRI from early October, my neurologist said that he would NOT perform surgery, because it would more than likely cause more problems than it's worth.  However.  I *do* have to get a NEW MRI's done, since things can change (and there is a strong feeling that they have, since I have new symptoms and worsening pain, etc.), and then WE'LL SEE.  Ugh.

A big part of me *wants* there to be a difference on the MRI... No, not because I want to be faced with some sort of serious problem, but so that there is some sort of *actual* reasoning behind why I'm in so much pain everyday.  Over the weekend, I was lucky that we were still able to go through with our Valentine's day plans.  Thank GOODNESS for having a hanidcapped placard in the car, or else?  Yeah, Ralph would have had to drop me off at the door both at the theatre and then again at dinner before parking the car.  Yes, I was in THAT bad shape trying to friggin walk.  It took me a minimum of 20-25 steps before I could even stand up all the way.  =(

So, for now?  I'm on Vicodin & Flexeril... which from past experiences, I might as well just take Greyson's gummy bear vitamins and feel the same effect.  *sigh*  OH!  And if surgery isn't what's on the plate, then I'll be sent off to a pain management clinic... which is different than the pain REHABILITATION clinic that I spent 6 weeks worth of my time at, only to be discharged because improvement had plateaued.  Fun, fun!  At the new place, it most likely will be full of acupressure and acupuncture, pain meds, steroid injections, blah blah blah.  At this point, I have lost alot of hope, simply because I have had not ONE SINGLE DAY of being pain-free (except for while on Dilaudid and Valium for pain & spasms, which, let's face it, only the ER will dish out) since July of 2007.  Yeah, coming up on two friggin years of this hell... and I canNOT wish for Spring to get here fast enough, because the cold is BRUTAL on me.

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On top of all this, Greyson didn't go to sleep until after 11:30 last night, and was up at 7:45am.  What?!?!  Ohh, it's going to me yet another day where I MAKE him take a nap, because *I* have seminar tonight, and knowing my luck, he'll be pushing ALL of Ralph's buttons while I'm in the middle of class - or he'll be trying tto go to bed before 8pm, which will just recycle the early rising and crabbbbbbbbby kid vicious cycle all over again.  *sigh*  He's already had a HORRIBLE week ALL last week, and I was SO hoping that maybe this week would be different.  So far, NO good.

I stil haven't finished the papers I have due tonight, which is NOT. GOOD.  Obviously.  So, I suppose I should be off to do just that.  YUCK.  Wish me luck!!!  =P

The Back of My Head is NUMB.

So, I've had a migraine since... um, Tuesday night?  And Thursday night, the back of my head started to feel a little weird.  Nothing that really freaked me out, but it was a little.. numb.

Last night, while out with my mom, I went to re-pull my hair back, and noticed that not only was it *still* numb, but it was the entire back of my head, all the way down to where the base of my skull is, and from side to side from the back of one ear to the other.  So, I mention it casually to my mom, who proceeds to mildly *freak.*  Joy.  It never even crossed my mind, what with the pain of the migaine for dayd on end, as well as my back, neck, AND shoulders hurting without relief for a couple days, that this 'numbness' thing could even REMOTELY be anything worth mentioning - and definitely not something to have a heart attack over.

Last night became, "Let's do a WebMD symptom search,' and see what comes up.  Gee, look at that.  Scalp numbness can result from: migraines, neck or shoulder tension and spasms, stress, anxiety, or nerve impingement.  I'm thinking that, without even THINKING about consulting a doctor I KNOW I have 5 of the 6 possibilities listed... yeah.  So, no ER visits for me this weekend.

I *am* however seeing a neurologist Monday morning.  SO, don't be surprised if I come home all flipped out and stressing because he mentioned the dreaded *S* word when it comes to what to do about my back problems.  *breathe, Lari, BREATHE*

Yesterday, though, I talked to my Academic Advisor over the phone, and she told me (regarding the possible ss...sssurr...the S word!), to just go DO it, so I can focus on healing and rebuilding and letting my body take over actual repairs NOW than rather when I am older and have gone through even MORE pain, and the possibilities of further injury the longer I wait and the more time that passes.  Well.

It makes sense.  It doesn't mean that I am no longer afraid... but it *would* be better to get all "healed up" before I'm done with school, rather than have to hope that with my present condition, I could find a job once I'm done.  Hmph.  I *hate* when people come along and just tornado al lof what I *thought* I had already worked out.  Damn.

Later, I am hoping that (at least by the times our plans start) I feel at least SOMEWHAT physically better (if not, maybe I can get some forom of pain control rockin, I don't know).  Because, surprisingly, the hubby and I are going to a movie (of course, it's the new damn Friday the 13th one... LOL) and to Benihana for dinner... SUCH a better option that trying to get in at Red Lobster (which we could honestly do almost any other time) since they don't take reservations.  Mmmm... hibachi. =)

So, there we go.  Tomorrow, the new bed is being picked up from IKEA.  The new mattress is here waiting.  The brand spanking new gorgeous microsuede bedset is here.  We have 3 new sets of sheets (with 2 more to be picked up, since I had to rain-check them).  All I *need* to do in this whole bedroom rre-vamp is bring the dresser downstairs, put together the new DVD stand I picked up yesterday, and go pick up (no, I'm NOT kidding) *7* brand new pillows in order to replace all the ones we have.  LOL

BUSY day, comfy results.  I'm *really* considering picking up a contoured cervical pillow for Ralph in the hopes that, since he'll be moving back into the bedroom with the revamp (buy a new bed, get your husband back, for FREE!  Heh.), but I'm afraid that he'll wind up snoring like a hippo in heat again (for some reason, the alignment of the couch relieved 99% of his snoring issues) and it will completely negate any and all progress being made with MY insomnia... since when he snores like that, I want to smother him with a pillow.

So, I guess the question is... has anyone had any luck with these pillows?  You know, the curvy ones that are supposed to cradle your neck when lying on your back??  Because on his side?  VERY little if ANY snoring... on his back?  I can hear him from the kitchen.  Upstairs.  Through closed doors.  UGH.

I Bet You Had No Idea...BEFORE They Picked the "Current" Bella. Heh.

Create your own FACEinHOLE

Busy, Busy, Busy...

Oooh, tomorrow (today??) is looking like it's gonna be a doozy.

First off, for some INSANE reason, my insurance decided that after over seven months of me taking Effexor 150s, that they needed prior authorization from my doctor.  Um, WTF?  I *just* had a 14-day prescription filled for it, gee, 14 days ago (I didn't get a full month's worth called in, because my doctor wanted to go over some bloodwork results with me, etc.).  So on Friday, when I dropped off the Rx for a 30-day supply, that evening they called me to tell me of the pre-authorization.  WAY after the doc's office was closed, so no luck until Monday.  I took my LAST PILL Monday morning, and SHOCKER!  Called Walgreens and things hadn't been taken care of yet.  Gee.  They had BETTER have it done tomorrow, or else WITHDRAWLS here I come!!

I have to call my GP (regular doc) to see if she will fax me a referral for a neurologist.  I *would* go see her, but just for this would mean an hour in the car for a piece of paper to give to ANOTHER doctor.  And considering that I honestly had to spend most of my day in BED because it was excrucating to even walk... yeah.  Car rides (especially with me driving, since the worst of my pain is on the right side) = OUCH.  It's not like I can lay back the seat and take the pressure off while tending to, oh I don't know, TRAFFIC?!?

I have to call my former college to find out A) how much money they CLAIM I owe them, so that I can have them release my transcripts to where I'm going now for my CSI degree.  So, another call and another bill to pay.

I need to call around to various neurologists in the area to ensure that they even *accept* my insurance.  The make an appointment, which only God knows how long it will be before I can actually GET one.

Since out-of-the-blue, MetalliDad decided he'd take me to dinner and a movie on Saturday for V-Day, I have to call the restaurant (Red Lobster) and see if I can get a reservation.  I don't even know if they TAKE reservations.  Hmph.

And I *still* have to finish this DAMNED paper for Criminal Law.  For some reason, I just canNOT organize my thoughts regarding "the medical, psychological, and social effects placed upon the reasoning for allowing children (sometimes as young as seven) to be tried as adults, but not be given the death penalty."  Well, yeah - I don't think that giving a kid the lethal injection is right - but I have to cite a minimumm of three specific law cases as reference, and turn it into a five-page-minimum paper.  Yep.  I haven't even gotten past the first paragraph, and it's SUPPOSED to be due Tuesday at 11:59pm.  (Kaplan has such a strange schedule!)

I need to compile my first set of interview questions for a friend's hubby (who's a cop) for an interview paper that is due NEXT Tuesday (GOD, I love midterms!!  *gag*).

I need to give my child at least a makeshift haircut and do a mini-photoshoot with him, because my Dad's birthday is the 11th, and my (our) gift to him is a large collage of recent photos of Grey.  Which, after I take them, need to be run through Photoshop for the whole collage-y effect and such that I want... and then uploaded to WalMart.  Which then means I have to GO to WalMart.

While at WalMart, I also need to pick up new curtains, our new mattress (thank GOD it's memory foam, and compressed to the absolute MAX in a box, or else my broken self would never even be able to ATTEMPT to pick up this item!!), curtain rods, look at paint and poosibly BUY said paint, buy fabric for pillows Grey & I are making for both "Daddy & Papa" for Valentine's day, pick up a journal, and get some craft foam for both making a new cover for said journal (my Aunt's gift) and to make craft-foam roses for "Gia" (my Mom).

Whew!  Of course, there are also quite a few other things on my WalMart list, but I will spare you the details of listing EVERYTHING.  This biggest issue here is that I promised Greyson he could come with me, so he could help pick out all the details for the materials needed to make all these V-Day projects... *sigh*  I just hope I can manage to keep him away from any toys, DVDs, or computer / PS2 / Nintendo DS games while there.  Otherwise, it may end in disaster for us BOTH.  =P

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Out of the blue... do they make cushions for the bathtub?  Not the typical "HI, I'm an inflatable pillow for you to rest your head on!" type, but like one that you can lean against AND sit on??  I have run into the dilemma, since my back/hip/everything lower body because my NERVES are being compressed, that sitting in the tub - while the heat feels fabulous - is still painful (especially after my body cools down) from sitting on the hard ass tub floor.  And taking a shower?  Good for cleansing, not so much for easing severe lower back pain.  DAMN.
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I think I need a clone.  A clone of me from, say, 10 years ago.  One that can do all the things that I currently no longer can.  Oh!  Did I mention!?!?  Especially since it looks like I *may* be getting a job as a Medical Transcriptionist - where I can work from home, because why does it matter where you listen to doctors yap away and type what you hear??  =P  Considering that during my stint as a medical & surgical assistant, I was the ONLY ONE IN THE OFFICE that actually wrote down the pertinent information in each patient's chart, so much so that any patient *I* handled with the doc?  He didn't need to sit down and dictate anything later.  Yeah, I think I know what I'm doing.  Heh.

But of course, a clone would be nice... then one of us could focus on school, the other on work, and the other can run around just being physically crazy like I used to be.  =)

It nearly kills me some days that I can't run around with Greyson and spend an hour on the floor with him.  Thankfully, he is one of the most understanding children I have ever met (especially for his age), and knows WHY I can't, and that it's not by choice.  I am thankful EVERY DAY (even the days where he acts like an ASS!) for him... I honestly don't know where I'd be without him.

And with that, it is almost 5 am.  And I have yet to sleep - at ALL!!!  Hooray!  (Not so much.  Blah.)
See you on the other side, y'all... I'm gonna *try* to catch a little shut-eye.  =)

Closure... Long Distance

So, this week has been a busy one, to say the least.  Since my great-uncle lived so far from here (approximately an 8 hour drive through MASSIVE amounts of snow right now), we've been trying to settle everything long-distance.  As it stands, they can't find a will registered up there, and with my Mom being listed as next-of-kin, there's a house, and whatever is left of his finances, etc. that all, legally, gets passed to her. 

I'm guessing you can see where the problem lies now.

With it all being so far away, we have *no idea* what shape anything has been left in, or really what all is even left.  Last I knew, he had a GREAT truck garaged up there, but as of right now, we have no idea if it was sold or not.  And no clue as to how to even get any of the records.  I mean, how do you determine what properties someone has from hundreds of miles away without a will being found?

We know that he has a now-unused plot in Chicago that he bought when my grandpa passed away... but he's being buried in Roscommon.  There is the possibility that there may be a will registered here in Chicago... but how do you find out?  I'm so clueless on all this, even with all the geneaology research I've done. =(

We just got the obituary taken care of yesterday, mentioning how much of friend he was of all the "woodland creatures" that he took the time to befriend over many, many years of literally living surrounded by woods.  We got just as many pictures of deer, raccoons, etc. than we did of his cats - cats that he ALWAYS had at least one of for as long as even my Mom can remember.

There are so many routes to go for doing more research on him for my tree...  He was intially in the Latvian army, but was captured as a P.O.W. by the German army during WWII.  They forced him into the German army, and he was then captured by the British army, again being forced to fight on their side.  He wound up working in a nursery in England for the army after WWII fizzed out.

I think the coolest part is that pretty much all of my Latvian relatives met in the camp.  My grandma, her sister, my grandpa and great uncle, and my great uncle (that married my grandma's sister).  My grandma and her sister even had a double wedding while still in the camp.  There are SO many stories with that group of family members...

Does anyone have any ideas for how to go about getting records?  I'm so lost here, it's making me crazy...

And Yet, Once Again, I Find Myself Saying, "Fuuuuuuuu...."

So, I have not just one, but TWO papers due tomorrow night at midnight.  I also just realized (you'd think I would have checked on this SOONER!) that from this point until the end of term, I have a paper due EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK. for my Criminal Law class.  YIKES!

Here's the problem:  I *never* have trouble writing papers.  Honest.  But with law?  I just can't seem to get my thoughts organized enough in my head to get them down on paper (or on the screen, as it may be).  The last paper drove me NUTS, and now I am staring now this newest one, with less than one page done, when it needs to be 2-4 pages.  And the knowledge that I have my MIDTERM paper due a week from tomorrow?

Yeah.  My brain is MUSH.

And... AND!  I have another FORSAKEN interview project due for my Investigations course... this time, it has to be on someone who is an ACTUAL investigator in some form.  Ummm, too bad I don't KNOW anyone even CLOSELY resembling the type of person I need to interview.  So this leaves me with the biggest of "duhhhhhh" loops running through my brain.

So, between weekly quizzes, pretty much weekly papers for Law, and at least BI-weekly assignments in various mediums... I'm rethinking whether I want to take up the offer I have on the table - to take not just two, but THREE classes next term, due to me making both the Dean's List and the President's List last term.  As it stands, I am enrolled in a math class, as well as a class on "Terrorism Today."  I think I need to look close (and HARD!) at what that next class would be before I go making any crazy, rash decisions that just might find me bouncing off the walls of my very own, personal padded cell.

And then? What am I doing instead of busting my ass to get my papers done?  I'm HERE.  *smacks forehead*

Just so you all understand why if I seem to be missing for a bit?  It's because my textbooks ATE ME.  Well, either that, or, in my stupified state, Greyson tied me to a chair and is dancing circles around me while eating all the chocolate hidden in the house.

I'm just sayin'.  Heh.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...

Well, just as I was starting to get convinced that 2009 truly WAS going to be much better than 2008... we got a phone call this afternoon.

My great-uncle in Roscommon, MI, passed away early this morning.  We are basically the only family that he had left, and none of us had seen him since March 5th, 2005, when Ralph and I drove up there from one of his shows in Ohio on the way home to pick up a car that he GAVE me... a 1988 Monte Carlo LS, in mint condition.  For nothing.  And then he mailed us a $1000 check a couple weeks later as a wedding gift.

He was up there - in his 90s - and the typical "Latvian age" temper and such had gotten to him a bit... but growing up, he was nothing but generous.  It was hard seeing him, even 4 years ago, because it was obvious had had at least a mild stroke already at that point.  That on top of a heavy accent that never left, and Ralph honestly understood almost none of what he said to him.

I feel like SHIT.  I was an absolute slacker, and hadn't gotten a letter or photos to him in FOREVER, and now it's too late.  I'm trying to be comforted by the fact that most of it probably wouldn't have registered much anyhow, since he had had a few strokes, and wasn't always "connected" - but then I am smacked by the fact that, whenever the chaplin at his nursing home would call us so that he could actually talk to some family, that the chaplin would relay the fact that "I love you"s brought tears to Uncle's eyes... I should have done more.  I just SHOULD have.

So the family has just been cut down by one more member... and like another member of the "family" said... all the Latvians that she and my mom grew up around are gone now, and it's like the torch is being passed down to them, and how much that scares her.  I can't even begin to tell you how much that scares me, too.  Because I have had to dance with my dad's mortality way too many times than I care to remember, and the fact that I see him in his bed everyday, in the same spot he was the last time I looked at him, doesn't help solidify anything other than that, either.

So, 2009 couldn't even bother to let us have a death-free first month.  If you all only knew how much I'm hoping that means that the rest will be spotless since it came on early...

Looking Forward to A Doctor's Visit?

I'm SO tired of this... the insomnia is back full-force, as you can see by my random before-dawn postings. I have an appointment at noon with my psych to discuss meds and such, and SO desperately need sleep medication AGAIN. The biggest problem is that none of the "traditional" sleep prescriptions work for me - never have - and with the last meds I was put on while at the pain clinic, I was adjusting to the doses at an alarming rate, having to increase the dosages and add "extra" meds every week to two weeks. It's unreal. It's like my body just plain doesn't produce the chemicals needed to sleep, normally, all on my own AT ALL anymore. =(

So, I've been doing a bit of research, mainly for fibromyalgia, and found one that is actually on the recommended list for people with fibro to take for sleep disorders, even though it's typically given for narcolepsy. I know, I thought, "Why the hell would you give someone with narcolepsy a tranquilizer?" but I guess it works somehow... and it's supposed to work well for fibro-related insomnia and such. I guess we'll see what the reaction is by the doc tomorrow when I bring that up to her. Maybe I should print out the article...???

So, the point is, I can't sleep. I'm back to living on about 20 hours of sleep a WEEK again, and on top of it all, Greyson's behavior and being PMS-y is NOT a good combination. My cycle is ALL jacked up, even with being on Seasonique, and I've NEVER had this problem before.

WARNING, TOTAL TMI BELOW!! lol

So, I wound up with a 16-day period. Seriously. In the middle of a three-month pack of Seasonique. And now? I'm on the "placebo pill" week, and PRAYED that maybe, I wouldn't get it since, hello? More than two weeks of bleeding that only ended two weeks ago? But no... sadly, I'm bleeding, and rather heavily.

So, I'm also trying to find any medication interactions that may have caused this, and have found NONE. Zip, zero. I had a COMPLETELY normal pap and such done about 3 months ago, so I have no idea what is jacking my system up, other than maybe a new symptom of the fibromyalgia - it's just that I haven't found ANYTHING to back up this suspicion.

And now... my right eye is clouding over. There must be something stuck to my contact.
Fab-u-lous.

I suppose I should head to bed now - after washing out my friggin' eye. LOL