Saturday, November 29, 2008

Bah Humbug

I got *nothing* in the way of holiday preparation done yesterday.  Zip, zero, zilch.  The tree?  Still in its box.  The outside lights?  Yep, they're still in the box, too.  The cheesecake that I was planning on making?  Still just gingersnap cookies, a can of pumpkin, bricks of cream cheese, and various other ingredients.

My body is fighting hard to not let this cold become bronchitis.  I can feel it in the mornings, especially, as it tries to creep into my lungs while I sleep.  Last night before bed, I think I almost lost one of those precious lungs as I coughed myself to sleep.  I was already up *much* later than intended to due to a sneak-attack of UGLY that made its way into my house (some of you know the details - the rest of you?  Just envision yelling and door-slamming).

This morning, I am feeling no better.  Not enough sleep, due to the fact that Greyson has now not only eliminated naps from his day, but has also started the habit of chopping about two hours off his nighttime sleep time.  YEAH.  And the pediatrician said that it's FINE.  I'm a bit boggled by that, personally, since he just turned three, but, well... I'm not the professional.

My brain feels fried.  I'm looking at the book I am *supposed* to read AND do a paper on by Tuesday night for school... and am finding NO desire to even crack open the cover.  I couldn't find the movie, so I can't even take advantage of that option at this point.  I had visions of trying to make this weekend oh SO productive, and right now, I wish I could crawl into bed and pull the covers up over my head.

There are so many things bouncing around inside my head that are making it nearly impossible to think clearly, not to mention actually *act* upon any of them.  I'm listening to an incessant loop of Iron Maiden that Greyson keeps feeding through the computer he is on right now.  Even my bath last night didn't help the pain that was seeping into my bones - this time not from Fibromyalgia or herniations, but from the feeling of an immense weight crushing me from the outside (or maybe rather, the inside, deep, deep inside).

I have cried three times this morning already, mostly in response to a couple of emails I got replying to one I sent out to some people VERY near and dear to me.  And though each and every one said essentially what I *thought* they would say, each one of them said SO much more... bestowed upon me so much more than I ever really do upon myself.  Maybe I just don't see beyond the moment - maybe I have a hard time seeing through the faults and the failures, whereas my loved ones (the majority of them, at least!) were able to bring them to light for me.

Thank you to each of you.  While your words brought tears to my eyes, it was just as much for the good as it was for the realizations that what I was feeling was, indeed, real.  It never fails to amaze me how often I am surprised by the support I recieve, even when I really, REALLY don't even feel like I deserve it at that point in time.

Just, thank you.  Thank you from both me AND Greyson.  Thank you for being who you are and not dazzling me with just what I want to hear.  You are all SO close to my heart...

2 Harmonizations:

Valerie said...

You know I love you girl!

Larissa said...

Thanks for the virtual hugs, Val! I'm feelin them! =)