Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Officially Screwed

I have never been in such a terrible financial situation in my LIFE.  Seriously.

I just got done filling out the paperwork for both foodstamps AND cash assistance.  The state already is paying for our medical insurance.

In one week, Ralph will have been out of a job for two months.

I *still* haven't gotten the materials & software I need to do the supposed data entry work from home that I need.

It's sad, but right now I'm seriously thankful that my PT appointments don't require me to pay a co-pay... a whopping $2.00 co-pay... because I honestly don't have it.

I wanted to start Greyson in preschool after he turns three.  Which is in 2 1/2 weeks.  Right now, I can't even attempt to throw a birthday party for him.  Preschool will be re-evaluated after the beginning of the year for second semester.

While I am feeling a bit better physically, no amount of physical therapy is going to un-herniate the discs in my back.  Nor will it repair the tear in one of the discs and make it stop leaking nucleic fluid from it.  It's simply been too long since my initial injury to think that the herniations will improve on their own, either.  The degenerative disc disease will just continue to exist and possibly affect more discs as time goes on.

School is going well - though it does add a lot of work to my days and weeks.  It excites me and stresses me out all at the same time.  I refuse to give up - it's the only positive thing I'm hanging onto right now that doesn't include my son.

Right now, I am watching Greyson play solitare on the computer, and doing an amazing job at honestly playing the game correctly.  This morning, he completed yet another 24-piece puzzle, this time of Spiderman & Friends, all on his own - this time in all of about 10 minutes.  His accomplishments fuel me every day - they give me a reason to get up and fight another day.  The giggles and smiles, watching his eyes light up when he understands yet one more new thing... it's what keeps me going.

I'm still stuck in the place where either I stop caring altogether what other people think, or I test the limits to find out just to what extent I can even place trust in so many places that I use to know I could.  While I have been pleasantly surprised by some of the people that have, indeed, given me even the slightest amount of support, I have been just as saddened by those who seem to not give a damn what happens to me.  It's been somewhat of an eye-opener, realizing how much is one-sided, and then wondering how long it has really been that way.
Maybe it hits me harder, because I have never been one to just walk away from a friend.  Maybe I don't have the time or ability to be as carefree and available as I once used to be... but that's life, that's responsibility, that's growth...  But it's left me feeling lonely, surrounded by almost nothing but fairweather friends...

I wish I could only blog with humor and light.  I wish I could live each day with nothing but optimism and sunshine.  Unfortunately, that's not the hand I have been dealt for quite some time.  But damnit, this is MY blog, and if someone doesn't like what I have to say, then don't read it.  Yes, 90% of my posts are less than cheery.  So what?  Is there a secret guideline somewhere that I missed?  At last check, this was MY blog - and excuse me if I need an outlet for my thoughts.  Sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it all - type out the highlights and stuff the lows back down inside me.
Some of my readers have truely been supportive and have had the kindest words I've heard in a long time.  Thank you!  You know who you are. =)

Right now, I'm just trying to struggle with hitting this all-time low.  And it's nowhere near being easy.

4 Harmonizations:

bea said...

Hang in there!! And randomly emaili me as well woman!! I don't mind - it helps pull me out of my swirling reality? =)

And yes, school, though stressful yet elating, is usually the ONLY uplifting thing at times. Don't give up! I know I've thought OFTEN about quitting too - but I've stuck it out over 2yrs now, it's sooo worth it.

so NOT cool said...

Hang in there. I hope that things get better.

And, by all means, do blog about how things are going without worry as to whether it's positive or negative.

I have been going through a rough patch myself and my posts are all so negative. I hate it when I do that, but I think that we need to be true to ourselves and I think that writing about it relieves some of the stress/tension.

Larissa said...

Thanks Bea and Jodi!

Valerie said...

Ahhhh the words hit home for me with unequivocal effect. I completely understand.

I havent really been blogging for the same reason. But I think maybe if I put it out there, things are bound to get better because perhaps just maybe someone can offer me a positive perspective on what I see as a damned situation.