These Hands are Weary, This Mind is Becoming Fragile

What is it about bill collectors that makes them COMPLETELY override and ignore the concept of NO MONEY?!?  Once again, the SAME collector that made me CRY the last time we spoke has attacked, completely relentless and *trying* to convince me that "he, too, is in a similar situation - but HE set aside his pride and asked for help."

MotherFUCKER.  What part of "$20 in checking, no savings, and NO INCOME FOR OVER TWO MONTHS" do you not get?  How about having to borrow over $300 from a friend LAST month to pay our car payment, the same car payment that is, once again, looming in at me from 10 days in the future ALREADY.  How about the fact that Ralph has ALREADY sold some of his music equipment?  How about the fact that we are ALREADY living IN MY PARENT'S HOUSE because if we weren't?  WE'D BE ON THE STREET WITH A TWO YEAR OLD.  How about the fact that unemployment was DENIED, leaving us practically PENNILESS?

DAMNIT.  I don't know what to do anymore.  The man even asked if I could get money from my FEDERAL STUDENT LOANS to pay him $75.  WHAT?  Oh, SURE... I bet it would be NO problem - the government would be glad to take some of my SUBSIDIZED LOAN and give it to your aggravating, heartless ASS.

What DO I do?  *I* am looking for employment, too.  Even though I don't have childcare for Greyson.  Because?  His fucking birthday is in 11 days, and the only gifts he has?  Are from two blog-friends that have an absolute heart of gold and mailed me a Nintendo DS and a Build-a-Bear gift card.  Of course, he has no GAMES for the DS, and unless I find one lying in the gutter somewhere (or peddle my ASS in that SAME gutter), there won't be a game in existence for him to play on that new system.

FUCK!  I just want to stand in the streets and SCREAM.  I have another psych appointment this Friday.  And you know what?  This time, I'm going to be less coherent and explanatory, and more ohmyfuckingGOD.  Because?  I have NEVER, EVER, been in this desperate of a situation before.  Ever.  Honest.

I've been having to choke back tears at times when looking at Greyson.  Because he just doesn't know - and SHOULDN'T - what kind of hell we are in.  But my GOD, how could I have gotten this far into the pit?  How could I let this happen FOR MY CHILD???

I need answers.  Soon.  I'm applying for a dispatch position - too bad the written test for it isn't even until the middle of December, so I'm still screwed on the URGENCY front.  The staffing agency Ralph has applied with has been jerking him around by the ankles for the last month.  If I HAD anything of value, I would have ALREADY sold it!

But no.  Douchbag "Christian" of the demanding phone calls just seems to think that I have friends of 14-karat gold, and tears of liquid silver for alll he is understanding coming out of my mouth EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. HE. CALLS.  Apparently , to him there is no difference between willingness to pay, and ability to pay.  I'm *this* close to telling him to let it go to COURT, because then?  Hmm... check my bank accounts.  Check my non-existent assets.  WHERE will they find the money?  NOWHERE, just like *I* am.

God, I feel pathetic.  I feel like a big, whining sack of NOTHINGNESS.  Any self-worth I may have possibly had left?  *POOF*  Gone.  I can't even try to file bankruptcy right now, since - you guessed it - I'd still have to have SOME kind of money to pay the bankruptcy attorney.

Fuck me.