I have been... stewing in my own juices...

And therefore have been at a standstill as to what to type - what will be appropriate, and what won't piss anyone off.  The things that I feel and the things that I want, but won't cause a backlash.  So, I just sit and stew...

Anyhow, today was my follow-up after the *complete* evaluation at the pain clinic.  Gee, thanks - they gave me a diagnosis of Chronic Pain Syndrome.  Ya think?  The biggest challenge in this diagnosis is that, somewhere, there are bound to be people I come across that believe that it is a self-initiated behavior, since CPS cannot be idealized or pinpointed, and tends to not respond well to common treatments or medications.  It's also more common in individuals with depression - well, hello?  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?  I'd have to agree that my pain elevations definitely affect my moods, which then affect my sleep, which then affect my ability to heal, ad nauseam.  So... where does this leave me?

PT twice a week.  Four seesions of OT.  Weekly visits with a pain psychologist.  A new medication which will hopefully help me sleep.  An analysis of my current depression & anxiety meds tomorrow morning with a psychiatrist.  A follow-up with my general practioner to review my spinal MRI.  Over and over again, it seems, until someday, somehow, things fall into place. 

Classes are just now really getting under way, and while I am absolutely *thrilled* at the prospect of tackling this whole degree thing again, it adds a great deal more stress, as I am sure anyone can imagine.  I have taken on some at-home work, as well, which should start up within the next week to 10 days.  NEED THE MONEY, can't work outside the home - especially right now with everything else that has been scheduled into my life.  I can only hope that I get into the swing of it quickly, and can progress to making at least a *decent* income for what it is worth.  Finances are absolutely DESPERATE right now, and I'm literally in fear of having my car repossessed if something doesn't get fixed, and SOON.

Greyson has been, at least, SOMEWHAT better in the mood department, but has all but refused naps altogether.  Instead, he sleeps for 12 hours at night... but even then, bedtime is not necessarily a constant.  I don't know exactly what has done it, but actually submitting himself to sleep is a chore and something that he tries, with all his might, to delay and intervene.  Without a nap, it's *better* than when he actually does take one, simply because he's obviously more tired... but my gosh, child.  You NEED to sleep.  It's bad enough when Mommy is brainless and worn from no sleep, no need to throw yourself into the mix of that terror, too.

So, off I go onto yet another path.  A path which, unfortunately, I don't feel like I have the greatest support on, but one that I *need* to walk, for myself and for my son.  Whereas I don't expect anyone to understand fully my situation unless they have lived it, I, like anyone else, would like at least an attempt at compassion - something that I've been feeling robbed of.  Something that I have searched for and haven't truly found, even in the places that I thought I should never have to doubt.  I haven't thought my expectations to be too high, but maybe they are.  I don't even know anymore.

Things at home are... too complicated to go into.  I don't want to get backlash for speaking out and opening up not *my* personal life, but those of others in the process.  So, I unfortunately am having to bite my tongue in one of the places where I have tried to acquire an outlet.

I have class tonight, and I still need to make dinner.  I need to wrangle Greyson off the other computer to try and get him to eat, as well.  I'm looking at the next three hours with a kind of silent panic, simply because it's all coming at me much faster than I ever feel ready for - and even though I'm still alive, still in one piece afterwards, it never fails that the next time, I expect the absolute destruction.  I suppose it will take quite a bit of intensive time to undo what a lifetime has programmed.

Until next time...