Saturday, August 30, 2008

My Soul is Drowning

I wonder where my friends are.  And possibly even WHO my friends are anymore.

I think I am losing a couple people, at a very rapid pace.  And it's STUPID.  But if this is truly what is going on... I don't have TIME to rewind back to my high school days all over again.

I just wish that I felt like I had that honest bond all over again with a handful of specific people... or at least some inkling as to what the hell was going on so I could have *something* to relay to my emotions.  You know - those things you hold deep inside and yet at the same time also wear on your sleeve?  The ones that mean SO damn much that without them... you literally would not be you?

And I can already make a prediction.  I probably won't get a comment here.  It'll probably be an email.  And it'll most likely be assumptive and accusatory and who-the-hell-do-you-think-you-are.  But if that's what has to come out of it, then so it shall be.

The saddest thing?

Right now, watching my little Grey... I have realized that in chosing his godparents, and hearing their promises and pledges and oh-how-honored they were to be chosen as such...  Right now, at this moment...  For him, they are nothing any more special than any other of "Mommy's Friends."  Some others are actually even CLOSER at this time.  And that saddens me to no end.

I grew up with SHITTY godparents.  One went from a party animal to a women-can-never-wear-pants holy roller who only ever calls if she wants a job referral from my mother.  The other is a high and mighty, nose in the air company bigwig YUPPIE - who wasn't even planning on notifying us when his mother died, until I sent an email to my cousin that was a little less than kind regarding that fact.

And I really, REALLY wanted Grey to have godparents who showed that even though they shared no blood... shared a part of their soul with him.  That would always remember his birthdays and even just send him a fun card addressed to HIM on Christmas.  And you know what?

It hasn't happened.  There are times I feel like I never even asked anyone to be his godparents.  And it tears me up inside.

I'm not bashing.  I'm not raging.  I'm honestly cracking a bit more inside.  I'm losing more of my blood-family... and I feel like I may have already lost, by some unknown feeling, facts, or fate, a very large chunk of the family that blood didn't give me.  Those *special* relatives that you CHOOSE to be in your life, to let into your soul, because for some reason they weren't placed there from the very start.

And so you open your heart, and expand your very own little family - the ones that sometimes mean even MORE than the ones you were born with.

What exactly do you do with those gaping person-shaped holes in your heart when, for some reason or another, they aren't hanging out in them?

Should I just resign myself to the fact?
Should I bust out the needle and thread and try making a patchwork quilt from what is left over?

I've spent a lot of time wondering if, what, when, and where I may have done something wrong.  I can't find an answer.  I refuse to accept the lame adage of "sometimes people just drift apart" - maybe in a one-on-one scenario... but we're talking SCADS of bodies here... (why did that just sound like the scene at a massacre?  Oh wait... that may be appropriate.)

At the risk of saying even MORE that is BOUND to offend, anger, sadden, irk, violate, et al...  I will close for the night.

I will snuggle in bed with the little man that I know will ALWAYS be there... and hope that someday, somehow... I will find the answers, solace, and peace that I so desperately need.

You know you're out there.  I do love you all.  But I just don't understand where things went from one side of the line to the other...

6 Harmonizations:

Valerie said...

It might be better to address the people personally other than writing a blog about it. I know blogs are theraputic, but if you want real results I've always been more of a direct action kinda gal. Just a thought.

Valerie said...

Oh and Im not saying to not blog. Lord knows I vent, get my feelings out, ect. I just mean talk to them one on one in addition to.

Larissa said...

The thing is, Val, is that it's not any ONE thing or one person in particular. Hell, one of them wouldn't even answer his text message from me WEEKS ago.

I *do* plan to further discuss things - if that's where they lead. I guess I'm just tired of pretty much always being the ONE to make the effort, KWIM?

Your Pal Pinki said...

Time goes by and people change. They drift and they find new friends, new loves, new lives. We leave the old behind, reluctantly. Sometimes we keep in touch, sometimes we don't. Life happens, life goes on. Hang in there, Larissa...

Bea said...

Feel free to email direct. There is nothing you are missing.. just lives moving on in directions we never expected. There is no shit storm to wait for.. there is no fight in me left hon.

Maybe I'll just email you first like good ol' times. 2000 miles makes it difficult for those good ol' cups of coffee, huh?

Larissa said...

There's no shit storm to wait for?

That honestly made me laugh out loud a little.

Because no more than a few minutes after I read this comment, I read YOUR entry specifying such a "shit storm.'