Sunday, August 31, 2008

Right now I want a deep, dark cave

Where no one can find me.

My last post before this? Yup. Pretty sure the shit's gonna hit the fan. But I think for the 87th time in my life, I'm tired of being *the one* who puts forth all the effort. I feel invisible, or worse, most times. So, I NEEDED to get it off my chest in a non-attacking sort of way (and it really WASN'T meant as an attck)... and maybe, just maybe, find out who still cares enough to give a shit and address the matter.

I'm not going to be the glue for everyone and everything anymore. Not unless I know that someone else is there to do the same for me. And right now? I have absolutely NO clue as to who those people may or may not be.

I *was* sleeping. Then I woke up gagging and had to FLY out of bed to get sick. That hasn't happened since I was pregnant... and I KNOW that isn't the reason behind it this time around. So, I suppose I have another thing to add to my ever-expanding list of medical mysteries.

But of vourse, now that I had to be awake enough for THAT, I'm pretty much just AWAKE. Shit.

I guess I just wanted to put an addendum upon my "soul is Drowning" post. Because while, yes, specific people are mentioned (though not in name - I wouldn't do that), it was more to get it all out, rather than let it come out in a more *private* manner, I guess, where due to my high emotional state lately, could have gotten ugly real fast without that being my intention. Besides which, it's also kinds a blanket post... one that applies to everyone who knows me... though especially those who know/knew me WELL. That at one time or another I would give my life for.

But again, like many, many times in my life... I feel like the only one who's trying.

There's shit going on that I think I'm supossed to be completely unaware of. But I'm not. And THAT fact bothers me even more than the fact that there's even anything there in the first place.

I feel like I get excuses instead of truths, and avoidance instead of, well, almost anything.

I'm lonely, I'm miserable, and damnit, friends should be friends. FRIENDS. Not only there when it's convenient and shit. Because I talk to and hang out more with one person that I hadn't even heard from in 10 years... because he actually - GASP - makes equal efforts in maintaining our friendship. Hell, he probably calls me more than I call him. And to tell you the truth? I haven't experienced THAT in a long time.

I'm ranting again. I have so much buried deep down that I just don't even know where to start, really - and especially not where to stop.

So, in a generalized sense... I've opened the door. Now I'll just wait to see who wants to come inside.

4 Harmonizations:

Bee said...

I love the way you write. It's so raw but real. I know how you feel about people in your life failing you. I'm currently not speaking to one of my brothers because he claims I'm the queen bitch of all bitches.
I told him I liked the title and if he could put it on t-shirt for me.

I've had a lifetime of shit and am too old to put up with it anymore. The goal now is to be happy where I am today.

I'm not naive enough to say "hey just ignore those assholes!" because I know it still hurts but you have to look after #1 and those that depend on you.

Valerie said...

I can't help but wonder if the way you are feeling emotionally is compounded by the medication and the physical aliments.

I'm sorry that you seem to be going through a rough time. If there is anything I can do to help, just let me know, okay?

Kari said...

I'm sorry you are in so much pain right now, physically and emotionally. I hope you find some relief soon.

Anonymous said...

get it over with.