Right now I want a deep, dark cave

Where no one can find me.

My last post before this? Yup. Pretty sure the shit's gonna hit the fan. But I think for the 87th time in my life, I'm tired of being *the one* who puts forth all the effort. I feel invisible, or worse, most times. So, I NEEDED to get it off my chest in a non-attacking sort of way (and it really WASN'T meant as an attck)... and maybe, just maybe, find out who still cares enough to give a shit and address the matter.

I'm not going to be the glue for everyone and everything anymore. Not unless I know that someone else is there to do the same for me. And right now? I have absolutely NO clue as to who those people may or may not be.

I *was* sleeping. Then I woke up gagging and had to FLY out of bed to get sick. That hasn't happened since I was pregnant... and I KNOW that isn't the reason behind it this time around. So, I suppose I have another thing to add to my ever-expanding list of medical mysteries.

But of vourse, now that I had to be awake enough for THAT, I'm pretty much just AWAKE. Shit.

I guess I just wanted to put an addendum upon my "soul is Drowning" post. Because while, yes, specific people are mentioned (though not in name - I wouldn't do that), it was more to get it all out, rather than let it come out in a more *private* manner, I guess, where due to my high emotional state lately, could have gotten ugly real fast without that being my intention. Besides which, it's also kinds a blanket post... one that applies to everyone who knows me... though especially those who know/knew me WELL. That at one time or another I would give my life for.

But again, like many, many times in my life... I feel like the only one who's trying.

There's shit going on that I think I'm supossed to be completely unaware of. But I'm not. And THAT fact bothers me even more than the fact that there's even anything there in the first place.

I feel like I get excuses instead of truths, and avoidance instead of, well, almost anything.

I'm lonely, I'm miserable, and damnit, friends should be friends. FRIENDS. Not only there when it's convenient and shit. Because I talk to and hang out more with one person that I hadn't even heard from in 10 years... because he actually - GASP - makes equal efforts in maintaining our friendship. Hell, he probably calls me more than I call him. And to tell you the truth? I haven't experienced THAT in a long time.

I'm ranting again. I have so much buried deep down that I just don't even know where to start, really - and especially not where to stop.

So, in a generalized sense... I've opened the door. Now I'll just wait to see who wants to come inside.

My Soul is Drowning

I wonder where my friends are.  And possibly even WHO my friends are anymore.

I think I am losing a couple people, at a very rapid pace.  And it's STUPID.  But if this is truly what is going on... I don't have TIME to rewind back to my high school days all over again.

I just wish that I felt like I had that honest bond all over again with a handful of specific people... or at least some inkling as to what the hell was going on so I could have *something* to relay to my emotions.  You know - those things you hold deep inside and yet at the same time also wear on your sleeve?  The ones that mean SO damn much that without them... you literally would not be you?

And I can already make a prediction.  I probably won't get a comment here.  It'll probably be an email.  And it'll most likely be assumptive and accusatory and who-the-hell-do-you-think-you-are.  But if that's what has to come out of it, then so it shall be.

The saddest thing?

Right now, watching my little Grey... I have realized that in chosing his godparents, and hearing their promises and pledges and oh-how-honored they were to be chosen as such...  Right now, at this moment...  For him, they are nothing any more special than any other of "Mommy's Friends."  Some others are actually even CLOSER at this time.  And that saddens me to no end.

I grew up with SHITTY godparents.  One went from a party animal to a women-can-never-wear-pants holy roller who only ever calls if she wants a job referral from my mother.  The other is a high and mighty, nose in the air company bigwig YUPPIE - who wasn't even planning on notifying us when his mother died, until I sent an email to my cousin that was a little less than kind regarding that fact.

And I really, REALLY wanted Grey to have godparents who showed that even though they shared no blood... shared a part of their soul with him.  That would always remember his birthdays and even just send him a fun card addressed to HIM on Christmas.  And you know what?

It hasn't happened.  There are times I feel like I never even asked anyone to be his godparents.  And it tears me up inside.

I'm not bashing.  I'm not raging.  I'm honestly cracking a bit more inside.  I'm losing more of my blood-family... and I feel like I may have already lost, by some unknown feeling, facts, or fate, a very large chunk of the family that blood didn't give me.  Those *special* relatives that you CHOOSE to be in your life, to let into your soul, because for some reason they weren't placed there from the very start.

And so you open your heart, and expand your very own little family - the ones that sometimes mean even MORE than the ones you were born with.

What exactly do you do with those gaping person-shaped holes in your heart when, for some reason or another, they aren't hanging out in them?

Should I just resign myself to the fact?
Should I bust out the needle and thread and try making a patchwork quilt from what is left over?

I've spent a lot of time wondering if, what, when, and where I may have done something wrong.  I can't find an answer.  I refuse to accept the lame adage of "sometimes people just drift apart" - maybe in a one-on-one scenario... but we're talking SCADS of bodies here... (why did that just sound like the scene at a massacre?  Oh wait... that may be appropriate.)

At the risk of saying even MORE that is BOUND to offend, anger, sadden, irk, violate, et al...  I will close for the night.

I will snuggle in bed with the little man that I know will ALWAYS be there... and hope that someday, somehow... I will find the answers, solace, and peace that I so desperately need.

You know you're out there.  I do love you all.  But I just don't understand where things went from one side of the line to the other...

The tears are falling harder now...

Earlier this evening, my dad got a call from his "baby" sister... who had just left the hospital where my grandma is in FL.  Apparently, things have gone from bad to worse, as where we were intially told she'd need kidney dialysis... she is in complete renal failure, has a large mass in one of her lungs, and she is sedated and on a ventilator.

We are waiting to hear from her doctor, because *someone* has decided that since my dad is the oldest of her 5 children... HE should make the final decisions.  As to what happens in Florida.  From Illinois.  While bedridden himself.

As much as I *can* understand this choice... I am also once again astounded by my uncles' opinions and attitudes towards their mother.  Honestly, every memory I have of her is filled with smiles and love... and whereas I'm sure, like in all families, their relationship with her was never all lollipops and rainbows, it pretty much comes down to the fact that they don't care what happens.  I can't wrap a single piece of me around that.  For all it's worth, the woman has called me "Angel" from my very first memories...  she'd even send birthday and Christmas cards addressed with that name.  She was, is, and always will be my Mamaw.

If I could snatch up Greyson and head to the airport RIGHT NOW, I would.  Even if it were just to have a few minutes with her.  But, I can't even CALL her in the hospital because of her being ventilated.

My biggest hope is that maybe we can get the address of her hospital, along with the room number... so that maybe, just maybe... I can get some recent pictures of her "Angel's Angel" before she goes.

I wish I knew when that would be.

Or maybe I really, REALLY, don't.

Oh goddamn, I DO wish I had no clue... because more than likely that would mean it wasn't anytime soon.

Just do me a favor... hold your loved ones a little closer tonight.

Crystal, My Savior, My Love, and My HERO for Life

We got the package from Amazon today that contains Greyson's Nintendo DS that Crystal the Wonderwoman of the Millenium bought and mailed to him for his birthday...

I cried.  Again.

For crying out loud people, give her blog a once over!  Or better yet, just stalk it.  Daily.  Waiting for new info.  On the hour.

Okay, maybe that's just what I do.  ROFL  SO kidding.

But I do love you, Crystal.  You have given me more hope and faithin humanity in the last week than I have had in YEARS.

You are truly a godsend... and even though it's a few months away... you WILL be bombarded with photos of my little man opening his special gift.

Again, ANYTHING I can EVER do for you...  Just ask.  Your wish is my command... well, I do have a FEW lines I won't cross... ROFL!!!

Boobs, Injuries, and Dr. Pepper

YOU!  Go here NOW!

Visit the Goddess that is Crystal!!!!!!

All The Pretty Little Horses...

After we went to see Thomas the Train in Union, we headed out to Platteville, IL - which is ALMOST IN IOWA - to my pseudo-Godmother's husband's family farm... mainly to nab some FRESh farm grown veggies, but also to give Grey the chance to ride a horse for the first time (IF he elected to do so - he did NOT.  LOL)

I wound up staying another night in Rockford (since we didn't get back to the house until after 8pm, so Greyson got to spend more time with his cousins (all *5* of them!), and I got more ME time, since the other children range in age from 14 down to 4 1/2.  They were FABULOUS babysitters... and I don't think that Greyson even came CLOSE to breaking anything all weekend!  Hooray!

Somehow, I must have had my photography genes turned up to *11* last weekend, because the pictures of the horses?  Gorgeous.  I haven't had the chance to edit ANYTHING... because my brand spanking-new copy of Elements 6 has yet to arrive... but even fresh off the memory card, I was damn impressed with myself.

So, for the second time in one night, it's PHOTO PARTY!

Aren't they just beautiful?  If we had more time, I probably would have taken even MORE.  I *really* wish I could have gotten one of Greyson on the back of one, but once he got up to the fence and a few of them started wandering towards him... well, let's say he got a little intimidated.  LOL

On our way back to Rockford, we stopped for dinner - it was me, Grey, the pseudo-godmother, and her 3 oldest boys (14, 12, and 10).

What did they do when I wanted to take pictures of them, since it's been, I don't know, EONS since my parents had seen them??

Austin, 14... as a reference point, he's slightly taller than ME.  And I'm 5'11".  Eek.  I have photos of me holding him at his first Thanksgiving... which I of course threatened to use as blackmail someday.  LOL

This is Colton... or at least, the lower half of his face.  He actually WORE that damn sweatshirt the entire afternoon and evening... even though it was *92* degrees out that day.  What a riot.

And this, this is Preston.  By far, the most gut-busting child of the family. He's the second oldest... and apparently felt it necessary to give me some form of a "G Funk" pose for his few seconds of fame. =P

Last, but not least... I CANNOT believe I forgot to put this in the Thomas post...

One of the conductors offered to take our photo for us, so that's Diane (AKA Pseudo-Godmother), Colton (the SHYEST almost 5 year old EVER), Tianna - the POOR only girl of 5 children, Greyson, and then, well, Me... in a RARE acceptance of having my photo taken.  It was for a good cause, right?  Sure it was.  I'll just keep telling  myself that everytime I cringe at the thought of me in print yet once again.  LOL

This weekend?  Definitely NOT as exciting... unless my Photoshop software comes in.  Or we go and pick up a wireless router.  Or maybe if Greyson falls asleep before 11:30pm.  LOL  I think any of the above would make my weekend.  LOL

At least my memory card works...

That could actually be taken two different ways, so let me clarify:  Yes, my CAMERA'S memory card works, even after the viewscreen-now-broken-into-a-thousand-little-pieces fiasco.

However, my own PERSONAL memory card?  Eh, not always so good.  I've found that when an adrenaline rush kicks in while my body is trying to fight the pain... I get a little, shall we say, *off.*  I just don't feel right.  Kinda like after you get into a really big shouting match, fight, etc... and then afterwards, your adrenaline just throws your body into "whacked-out mode?"

That was me, especially today after helping Mom.  UGH.

But!  Back to the memory card... I got some of the GREATEST photos of my little man while in Union, IL at the Railway Museum.  So, it's....  SHARE TIME!!!

The little man... in his *pensive* state...

Have you EVER seen a happier child?!?

Chillin' in his "rockstar" shirt

I *really* wish he'd let me cut his hair... LOL

This happened after I told him I wanted to take another picture... LOL

Greyson & his cousin Tianna with their "Honorary Jr. Engineer" certificates

I'm riding on THOMAS, Mom!!!

I...have...no...idea...  It was one of those moments you can only explain as "It's Greyson."

Greyson & his cousin Quentin hanging out in the MASSIVE Thomas made entirely of Legos!

And just another picture of the best smile ever!  Is there any wonder why he makes EVERYTHING just plain WORTH IT in the end?

Of course, I have MORE... but, well, there is a point for some people that get tired of seeing photos...  LOL

Hope you all have great plans for your extended weekend!  I think I'm going to spend some time plotting out a meeting with that evil principal.  Hey, I may as well share some of my angst... hehehe.

My first "Laptop" blog post!

Hooray, hooray!!  I am completely and utterly in love with this thing!!!  It has a 5-in-1 media reader, so getting all of my photos on here takes NO time at all, as opposed to having to hook up the camera to the computer and go through all that jazz...

Now I just need a wireless router so I can use this puppy anywhere in the house I want.  Orrrr, I could hang at a Starbucks for a few hours at a time, with the free WiFi and all...

Anyhow, not too much to type about tonight, except I had to go with my mom and pack / unpack a shitload of stuff in her NEWEST *former* classroom.  Somebody out there has it in BAD for her, and none of us know why.

Especially since she's been in the SAME district since day one... starting teaching a *20* years old.  She has her Masters in Educational Admin.  She helped DESIGN new classrooms from the ground up - literally.  She has had her hand in creating new programs and categorical types for better reaching the students and for making the teachers more able to handle the types of children they got.  Bluntly, she is HIGHLY responsible for a SHITLOAD of things that have done nothing but make the special ed. department of our district BETTER.

But now, again, she has been put on "leave" - AKA suspension.  And NO ONE has given any answers.  They did it last year, and then made her switch schools for this year, after following a long, stretched out list of crap she had to do in order to even come back.

And now?  3 1/2 days into the school year... they did it to her AGAIN.

They only thing that we can figure is that 1- they are intimidated by her, 2- somehow or another, they don't want to pay her full pension which comes up in 2 years, especially since she will havehad *35* years in the district WITH a Masters degree, or 3- the fact that there are many times my mom needs a cane towards the end of the day, because she had *3* reconstructive foot surgeries on the same foot 3 years in a row.

Whatever it is, I for one, want to get to the bottom of it.  The new principal in the school she transferred to for this year has tried flinging "to do's" at my mom about Autism.  HELLO?  Is thing on?!?  She was the ADMINISTRATOR in charge of ALL the Autistic children in the district prior to going back to the classroom.

And if *I* happen to run into this woman... she will live the rest of her life wishing she had never met me.  I can guarantee you, from what my mom has told me she has said, that *I* have more experience working with Autistic children than that crackhead.

*AHEM*  So, what started as not much turned into quite a bit.  But I am BEYOND angry, hurt, disappointed, you name it, about this entire ordeal.

At least right now it's a "suspension with pay."  Psssshhhhhh.

Also, while we were in the school today trying to sort out what is my mom's personal belongings and what the sub that ended out her classroom last year packed that was SOOO not supposed to be packed...  I thought my leg was going to fall off because the IDIOT that literally THREW everything that *we* hadn't had the chance to pack in the interim between the end of the regular school year and the beginning of summer school --- well, this man must have thought that my family is BIONIC.  Some of these damned boxes I couldn't even PUSH...  and YES, I was actually sitting in a rolling desk chair while moving things to avoid lifting.

I'm rather kinda bummed though, because I was hoping, no PRAYING that the principal would have shown her face, just once... so I could have turned into a mushroom cloud layin motherfucker (20 bonus points to who can name that movie! LOL) right in her bitch face.

It was bad enough when the one administrator that actually took the time to "help" us asked me if I went to Waukegan High School.  If I had stitches to rip, they would have been SAYONARA!  I just looked at her and said, "Um, my 10 year reunion is next year."  What a crackhead.  Almost everyone who reads this KNOWS what I look like... well, hell, you ALL do because of my sidebar photo. Do I LOOK like a high school student?!?!  Honestly now.

So, on the upside, Mom is home all day again... for now...
Of course, who knows what kind of solution they are going to try and wing at her THIS time around.

Maybe she can just sit in an office and threaten naughty children with her cane.  OH, WAIT?  They don't do corporal punishment anymore?  Hmmm...  I do seem to remember that the size of the reprimand was only a ruler anyhow.  But kids nowadays are tougher!  Meaner!  BIONIC!

I digress.

I really had no intention of going into this much detail on this... but now I have.  And maybe I just NEEDED to.

So the pictures that WERE supposed to be in this post... yep, they'll get their very own.  Awww...

Oh Sweet Relief... At Least a LITTLE Bit.

Well, MetalliDad got to come home today, and with a 5-day vacation to boot, since Monday is a holiday. He's on some antibiotics, but all seems to be going well.





I returned the blue hunk o' junk, and came strolling out with this instead:

I'm happy, MetalliDad's happy (even though I told him HANDS OFF!), and I feel much better about this purchase.

So, let's hope that the rest of the week goes better than it HAS been until now...

Putting My Foot in My Mouth

Okay, so how I was all "I'm in LOVE" with my new laptop??

I plugged it, loaded it up, to find LINUX installed on it.  Oh sure, it reads the memory cards all right... but you can't DO anything with the photos other than use them in a slide show.

I will be returning to Circuit City tomorrow to PROMPTLY return that blue POS and pick up a different laptop.  One that, gee, if I had actually OPENED MY EYES a looked at my other options...would have purchased initially instead of this glorified paperweight.  Though considering how much it weighs... I don't even know if it would be good for THAT, either.

AARGH.

I *did* happen to come across a snazzy laptop bag at Best Buy that will only cost me $15 since I still have an unused gift card to there from the beginning of the year...

Tomorrow SO better be exhalting compared to the past week...

Retail Therapy

Considering that I *HAD* to replace my "Thomas-Attacked" camera... a Circuit City credit card was added to the "Bills That Give Me Migraines" collection.

And while I was browsing... how could I let that poor little new camera come home without a few new best friends?!?  LMAO

The ordering was done online (with free shipping, and no interest or payments for 3 months - SCORE!), but a number if items were available for pickup at our nearest CC location.

Which meant new toys SOONER.  Yippee!!

After a dinner visit with MetalliDad in the hospital, Grey & I headed out to Gurnee Mills to nab the few things that I could start entertaining myself with immediately.  Of course, the ONE thing that spurned this shopping spree to begin with, my camera, was a delivery-only purchase because of it's brand-spanking new availability.  However, I think I can occupy my time with what I *was* able to pick up tonight:

~ A shiny sapphire blue Acer Aspire One laptop... which weighs less than 3 pounds!  I'm sure that most of you, if not all, have seen the MacBook commercials for their laptop that fits oh-so-simpy into a manilla envelope?  Yep.  That's about the size of mine - just maybe SLIGHTLY thicker... but actually only about the size of one of those black & white composition notebooks.  I think I'm already in love.  It's even got a 5-in-1 card reader so I can pop memory cards from my camera in there for uber-quick uploads of recent photos.

~ An Epson Ultra-High Def R280 Photo Printer... which winds up being FREE as soon as I send in the rebate form.  How cool is THAT?!?  It's also got the neat feature of having separate ink cartridges for each color, so you don't have to toss out an-otherwise-full ink cartridge that is only running low on one color.  Sweeeeeet.

~ 2 SanDisk 2GB USB flashdrives... pretty much for transferring photos, music, etc. quickly and painlessly between the systems in the house.  These will especially come in handy for pulling all the photos on our computer so they don't get lost, because we have a new system coming in the next few weeks.

~ Last but not least, I got a digital photo frame for my mom, so she can watch random pictures of Greyson perform a nifty little slideshow on her desk at work.  Hopefully, being able to see him all day will make it a bit more bearable to deal with the hellions she has enrolled in her classroom this year.

LOTS of fun stuff, hey?  But that's not all... remember the rest is being shipped...

~ A Kodak EasyShare M1063 High-Definition 10.3 Megapixel digital camera, with 3x optical zoom, and 5x digital zoom.  It has 20 different scene modes, as well as a NIFTY as hell panoramic stitch mode to combine up to 3 photos into one wide-ass photo.  It also has video w/ sound capability, along with the option of labeling with text or speech your photos to make it easy to find a grouped category, instead of having to scroll through photo after photo to find the exact one you are looking for.  It actually had even MORE features, but these by FAR, were the absolute selling points.

~ An eMachines T3656 Desktop computer.  YESSS, I *did* buy two computers in one day.  However, the one that I had built back before MetalliDad & I were even engaged has been acting like someone poured a bottle of molasses into it, needed a memory upgrade, a processor (and probably a motherboard upgrade, as well)... and those repairs would have cost only about $75 less than an entire new system.  So, HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY to the MAN.

~ I also treated myself to Adobe Photoshop Elements 6.  I used the dang 30-day free trial literally almost DAILY... so when I found the option to buy it, of course, I JUMPED at the offer.  I've used it for photo-editing, graphics design, web layouts, band photography and effects...  the $100 price tag was just plain WORTH IT.

Now, of course, we will have months and months of dreaded Circuit City bills flooding our mailbox... but you know what?  Right now, I'm not the least bit concerned about that.  In the midst of being shat upon day after day after day... I decided we neededa few things around here that will just plain make us happy - AND help us accomplish many things that we have not been able to in the past.

It's not like I used a charge card to buy that much chocolate!!

Mmmmm... chocolate... hehehe

I think I am now going to try setting up my laptop and make sure that the demolished camera I currently have in my possesion managed to at least protect the memory card from being turned to mush.

Hope you all had a great day... and an even better tomorrow!  Please keep MetalliDad in your thoughts (and me, too, while I continue on my quest for not one, not two, but *6* different specialists for myself and the 2 men in my life!).

Thanks everyone (especially if you made it reading this far...!!).

The Irony... and The Sadness That Follows

As I am typing this, MetalliDad is in the hospital getting IV fluids and antibiotics for cellulitis in his left foot.

Now, why is this ironic, you may ask?

Flashback to Summer 2007.  I wind up hospitalized for the first time due to my back issues.
Less than 2 weeks later... HE winds up hospitalized for cellulitis and neuropathic ulcers on his feet (this was also when he was diagnosed as being diabetic with a glucose reading of 360+).

And now, of course, the 19th of this month, I was hospitalized for my back AGAIN... and now today, the 27th, HE is hospitalized for diabetic cellulitis.

Seeing a pattern here?  Me too.

Of course, the hubby's solution to the problem is for me to just stop having to go to the hospital for my back, so his feet don't get all jealous-like and feel the need to compete.  Nerd.  If only it were that simple.

Luckily, as of bedtime (since Grey *had* to call Daddy to wish him a good night), his white cell count was not indicative of anything other than a VERY mild infection... so as long as all goes well, he should be coming home tomorrow.  HOORAY!

I think that once he is home, we will have to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with some of our various body parts, demanding that, NO - hospitalization is NOT vacation... even if it DOES mean time away from home.  *sigh*

I need a hero...

Or something like that.

What I failed to mention about the FAIL-WHALE doctor's visit is that it was discovered that I now weigh, after over a year of restricted movement to one degree or a THOUSAND others, what I weighed the DAY I HAD MY SON.

Okay, so I only gained 19 pounds during the pregnancy... but dear GOD.

Like I didn't have ENOUGH reasons to be depressed.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get this weight off of me?!?!?!

I *would* have asked the WonderDoc, but I feared that he would have told me to see a plastic surgeon, because, you know, he was just THAT HELPFUL with logical, DO-able solutions and all.

Maybe I should go on the Kate Moss diet and consume nothing but Evian and celery. Oh wait... she tended to season with cocaine, didn't she? Hmmm...

Anyone??? LOL

Why I Hate Doctors... or Do They Just all Hate Me?

Today I spent a good 2 hours on the telephone attempting to follow through on the demands, er, ADVICE, that my hubby's doctor gave me on Monday after DH told me that he really DID like his doctor, and had nothing but great luck with him

Rule #1. NEVER trust your husband's physician-selecting advice. EVER.
Rule #2. If the doctor who enters the room IGNORES your child... run.
Rule #3. If the doctor's combover entails more hair on the top of his head than anywhere else... he's NOT going to be very savvy as to what new technology holds.

So, as I stated last week, I managed to see a FABULOUS ER doctor. One that if he were a clinic physician, I would claim him as my own. Alas...

I wound up at the crabassed doctor who needs a razor and NOT a comb.

"So, why are you here?" --- as he LOOKS at the actual LIST I had prepared pre-visit.

"Who GAVE you Dilaudid?!? *I* don't prescribe that." Well, hell.

"You're on Xanax AND Valium??" Well, the Valium was started last week as both a muscle relaxant and an anti-anxiety... "Oh, well *I* don't think you need that."
WOW! He's PSYCHIC! 5 minutes into the visit and he hadn't even TOUCHED ME... yet he's making judgement calls. Faaaaaboo.

"Doctor, I'd like to switch anti-depressants if possible to something that would allow me to titrate off them without severe withdrawls, since planning another child is in our near future." Ready for this one??? "SEE A SHRINK."

SO, what did I gain from this? MOTRIN. More of the SAME anti-depressant. And Xanax... which in all honesty, the Valium did a MUCH better job all around.

I feel WORSE after having seen the doctor that before, because his last words to me, literally, were, "Find a pain clinic - though that may be difficult because of YOUR insurance. I don't know what to tell you about the insomnia, call a Sleep Clinic. But again, insurance issues are likely. And don't forget about the Shrink."

Now, is it just ME, or would YOU be just a step above livid too?

I haven't seen a psychiatrist sine I was *12* - when I was first diagnosed with depression. Yes... at 12.

BUT, I have an appointment... on September 22nd. So I have another month of being on the drug from hell.

I called *3* pain clinics. One is 'at their limit.' One's number is disconnected. And the other? The extension I was given never answered.

After all that... I was literally AFRAID to even BOTHER with finding a sleep center.

The BEST part? Because the aforementioned doctor failed to note that the Xanax and Valium are for different issues - I can't get the new Xanax script filled until the Valium supply runs out. On Friday. Joy oh FRIGGIN joy.

Tomorrow is going to be spent, once again, on the telephone. I just hope that, oh golly oh gee, SOMEONE out there can help me. Because otherwise? I am going to track down my ER doc and get personal suggestions from HIM. He seems to be the absolute lone soul in this field right now that GETS ME. *sigh*



On a lighter note, Greyson provided some entertainment while in the waiting room at Dr. Doom's. He was the youngest child in there, by at least 2 years, and one little girl took it upon herself to climb underneath a row of waiting room chair against one wall. What did my little man do? He crouched down, and shouted, "This is NOT a playground - those are CHAIRS. Come out from under there and SIT on them, not UNDER them."

I thought I was going to die laughing... especially when her mother muttered a, "He's right, you know."

There was also a boy waiting with his father, a child who DEFINITELY should have had a MUCH better understanding of *personal space*. However, it seemed that he was determined that Grey's new Thomas hat from over the weekend was his new matcchbox car ramp - while STILL on Grey's head. After about the secomd time, again, my verbose little boy looked the child in the eye, and came up with THIS one:
"This is my HAT. Cars do NOT belong on MY hat. And you are TOO close to me, and I would like you to go away now."

My face HAD to have been beet-red at that point. Grey then proceeded to grab a Sports Illustrated off the shelf and climb into the chair next to me.

Of course, 5 minutes into his 'reading,' he proclaimed it was "boring because it only has pictures of this man wearing necklaces."

Yep, you guessed it - he was talking about Phelps. =D

He SO deserved the Wendy's he got for lunch on the way home. And now I have a picture of 2 pirates at a birthday party off the side of the bag (what's wrong with this picture??) taped to his dresser since he decided it would be a good idea to save it until NOVEMBER to use for his party. *shrug* Whatever you say, Munchkin, whatever you say.

Thomas the Train... and the camera that looks like Thomas ran it over

We were in Rockford all weekend.  Then took a trip to Union, IL to the railway museum so the Munchkin could ride on Thomas the Train and try with every breath in his body to convince me to spend $13,485,201.17 in the gift shop tent.

I got FANTASTIC PICTURES!

But.  There's ALWAYS a but.

When I got home... the LCD viewscreen looked like I had casually laid the camera on the tracks JUST as Thomas was getting his groove on.

I don't even think that I can upload the photos to the computer... off the $200 camera that is less than a year old.

Everyone... cry with me now.

HOWEVER, I *am* ordering a new camera in the next couple days (thanks to my GODSEND of a *kinda* godmother who offered to send a check to help out).

SO, you will see pictures.  Someday.  I promise.

In a world of hell and hatred...

Someone like Crystal comes along.

She's been running a "Pay it Forward"-ish contest (which quickly became a "make-every-childs-dreams-come-true" plan, which began, simply enough, with her daughter leaving her Game Boy & games at Red Robin.

There's absolutely NO way that I could summarize the process beautifully enough on my own, so why don't you check it out here: http://boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/

Crystal has made my day, my week, my month... hell, maybe even my year, by granting my sweet little boy the gift of a Nintendo DS system for his upcoming birthday - one that we SO would not have been able to afford on our own, considering the constantly growing bills from car issues, medical FAILS, and just that random bottomless pit that is debt.

I have now officially named her my new Internet BFF.  Really.

Send her some love.  Send her some chocolates.  Send her your first-born... okay, maybe not that last one.  But a stripper maybe?

Word of the Day... and Thought of the Day for August 21st

*dexterous* (DEK-stuhr-uhs)

adj. 1. Skillful or adroit, mentally or physically.
2. Right-handed.


*Thought of the Day*

The most important scientific revolutions all include, as their only common feature, the dethronement of human arrogance from one pedestal after another of previous convictions about our centrality in the cosmos.
~Stephen Jay Gould, paleontologist, biologist, author (1941-2002)

Oh, the wonders of medication...

Today, I've been in a rather happy place.  A place filled with very LITTLE pain, considering that just yesterday evening, I was diagnosed with not ONLY the slipped disc that I already knew about just kinda... JUTTING out of my spine... but also a HERNIATED disc in another location.  Toss in a rather compromised sacroiliac joint (with an added bonus of possible, nay PROBABLE cartilage tearing in said joint) and some mad pressure being put on my sciatic nerve...

Well, let's just say that I could not WALK into the ER.  Or even through the ER.  The wonderful invention of the wheelchair was my ultimate savior for an hour or so, until I got *lifted* into an inflated hospital mattress.  Where I was then given not one, but TWO injections of morphine and a *godsend* called Valium.

Oh, the wonders of medical science.

Since the original injury to my back over a year ago, I have not been *this* close to honest comfort even ONCE.  Granted... I am still shuffling a bit, and transitions for sitting to standing and vice-versa send a great deal of PAIN through my leg, back, and hip... the fact that I am WALKING while standing at more than a 45-degree angle?  HEAVENLY.

I think I have found two new best friends.  In amber-colored bottles from Walgreens.  YUM.

Of course, this afternoon, my dad informed me that apparently, the Dilaudid that I am taking along with the Valium... is pretty much like being on heroin.  Actually, in medical references, it's *8* times stronger than morphine and about *3* times stronger than heroin.

I don't know whether to be happy that a doctor finally realized that my pain was indeed THAT bad... or terrified that I actually NEED meds THAT strong to control my pain.

All in all, right now... I just happy that the simple task of STANDING UP doesn't send me into gut-wracking tears.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

On another note, I think I am going to start a "Word of the Day" segment...  on the premise that while being a stay-at-home mom, I'd swear that I can see small fragments of gray matter being expelled from my ears at an all-too-rapid pace from a lack of adult conversation, intellectual input, and just general *child speak* practiacally 24/7.  Maybe, just MAYBE, this will help me regain control of my once linguiphilistic existence. =)

Word of the Day for August 20th:

*myopic*  (my-OP-ik)
adj. 1. Nearsighted, unable to see objects at a distance clearly.
       2. Shortsighted.  Lacking foresight.  Narrow-minded.


ALSO, My Thought of the Day:

*How can a society that exists on instant mashed potatoes, packaged cake mixes, frozen dinners, and instant cameras hope to teach patience to their children?*

Random Funny

more cat pictures

Why, oh WHY?

My mind has been running on crazy mode around here lately... besides the obvious malignant stressors that abound, I have been slowly planning Greyson's 3rd birthday - even though it's not until the end of November.

Why?

Well, with moving last year, we kinda missed out on both Halloween AND throwing him a party.

Poor kid.

So, we're taking Halloween one step further and using the costumes were are planning over again for his party.

What does he want to be?

Jack Sparrow.  Funny.  So, instead of going and being the typical choice for a POTC character (did I just use an acronym for Pirates of the Carribean?  Crap - I AM addicted), I'm going to be Tia Dalma.

So, tonight, I asked Ralph who he wanted to be... and after whining about "Why can't *I* be Jack Sparrow?" - LOL - we determined that, hey, Barbossa would work pretty well.

But not after I was reminded that he has a show on Halloween.  So I'm REALLY hoping that trick-or-treating ISN'T actually ON Halloween.

So, he's dressing up for the show.

Not as Barbossa.

But as this:

Captain Spaulding from House of 1000 Corpses & The Devil's Rejects

I *HATE* clowns.  Completely, utterly, DESPISE clowns.  They TERRIFY me to no end.

But the really frightening part??  THIS is the man behind the makeup.

Sid Haig

If you add 30 years to MetalliDad... Sid Haig IS my husband.

Note the bald head.

Note the facial hair.

Note the FRIGGIN' guitar!!

I wonder if Ralph's mom ever crossed paths with good ol' Sid...

And what, exactly does this say about me?!?   ROFL

A few funnies...

Just because, well... I *need* them.

And, just because it is, by far, one of THE coolest tattoos I have seen in a LONG time...

I get by with a little help from my friends...

Or at least, I'm hoping to.

Today we found out that Ralph has Diabetic Retinopathy... we really won't know to what extent, or if it needs further treatment, until he sees an Optometrist with a retinal specialty.

At best, it could just need monitoring... ie, pupil dialation as such every six months.  At worst, it could lead to blindness.

Also, my grandmother's ex-husband called us today, after finding out that my grandma is in the hospital (and apparently, didn't let anyone know - he literally checked area hospitals looking for her since he couldn't find her).

He told my mom that "she won't be there much longer if she doesn't agree to dialysis."

I have been trying to maintain *some* air of sanity after both of these kicks to the gut, but I'm wearing a little thin... especially since Grey is sick and has just been pushing one button after another, chipping off more and more chunks of my patience as the days go by.

His attitude has GOT to stop... but I seriously don't know what to really *do* anymore.  He tends to take EVERYTHING we say and flip it back around on us... so it quickly becomes HIM who is trying to place limits and telling US what to do or NOT to do and say.

How DO you explain to a 2-year old that really, it only goes ONE way?!?!

So, I think I just need an internet hug today.  *sigh*

Friday Fill-Ins

Thanks to a new blog I stumbled upon, Friday Fill-Ins, I will now make my humble contribution...

1. You know you're old when your child tells you that you are "Big - like dinosaurs and elepahnts."  I think he may need a lesson in ratios..







2. My heart is divided between ignoring all matters of logic and actually being able to WALK after RibFest tomorrow.






3. MORE SLEEP is what I need RIGHT NOW!






4. I have felt the shallows, I have known the depths of chaos.






5. Gah, won't these people ever stop talking?!?!






6. GET OUT as soon as you can!






7. And as for the weekend, tonight I’m looking forward to more sleep - I hope, tomorrow my plans include RIBFEST and Sunday, I want to have a blast with my friend from Canada and her two kids!

Misadventures...

Seeing Taggart the other night brought back a lot of memories... specifically "High School Music" memories (not to be confused with High School Musical memories... THAT I am less of an expert on!). I think I've come to the conclusion that either a) I just had some REALLY kick-ass teachers, or b) we as a group (music / theatre kids) got WAYYYY more lenieency and trust than we more than likely should have. Heh.

While thinking back on the first time I ever met Mr. Taggart, it in turn, made me think of Mr. Grosberg. AKA Grosberg. (I'm seeing a major trend in only referring to my music teachers by their last name, with no title attached. Hmm.) Grosberg was the director of my summer band camp when I was in middle school, and was the band teacher at the high school.

So, of course, even though I didn't take band anymore in high school... I still got to hang around and torture... I mean, CHAT... Grosberg.

One day, while having nothing else to do - actually, I *think* we were supposed to be working on a duet for an upcoming choral competition - the band room was EMPTY. Toooooo much can come out of an empty room. Trust me on this one.

A friend of mine and I decided it would be a good idea to turn the ENTIRE band room upside down. LITERALLY.

All but the music instrument lockers and the chalkboard that was permanently mounted to the wall was flipped on it's head - and hell, I even took the time to rewrite everything that WAS previously on that board upside down.

Music stands were precariously balanced on their trays, chairs were teepeed with legs in the air... we even went to the extent of turning all the music in the folders (and the conductor's binder) upside down.

Now, as I look back, I'm afraid that I was the immediate bad influence in this particular situation. You see, the first semester of my freshman year, my MOM taught in the same building... and for one of her co-teacher's birthday prior to the band room stunt... we turned everything in her classroom upside down and filled all the desk drawers with confetti. Lots and LOTS of confetti.

So, technically... it's my MOM'S fault. (Ha! She'll LOVE that one!)

Anyhow, I thought that Grosberg's head was going to pinball around the room after he walked into his newly-redecorated room. He literally had a tantrum... and I casually strolled out of the room, since "Hey! I'm not even IN this class! Seeeeeya!"

Yes, I am evil like that. Apparently, the first 15 minutes or so of class was spent with the students all right-siding everything in existence.

Good times.

100 Things

A friend of mine just did one of these... and since I have seen them various places, I thought that maybe, since I have a few readers now (Thanks - all 6 of you! ROFL) that I would throw out a list on myself, as well...

1. My full birth name is Larissa Anne Smith.
2. I chose to take my husband's name when we got married, because I was tired of being "another Smith."
3. Now I have to deal with people TRYING to throw the Italian spin on my last name... and botching it completely.
4. About 95% of the people I know, including my parents, don't EVER call me by actual name.
5. They call me "Lari."
6. My friend Brandon started that WAYYYY back in junior high, all because he couldn't remember how to spell my whole name - so he stopped after the "i."
7. I've had ONE significant other that refused to call me Lari.
8. I think it had to do with an inner homophobia.
9. He's getting married (again) on Halloween.
10. My hair has been 9 colors over the course of my life.
11. 3 of them, bizarrely, were COMPLETELY natural.
12. I started out life as a brunette.
13. In 6th grade, my hair turned BLONDE.
14. Now it's red.
15. I think I'm a mutant.
16. Not really.
17. The very first time I dyed my hair, I used unsweetened Kool-Aid.
18. That shit does NOT wash out of towels.
19. It was Black Cherry.
20. I think my mother wanted to kill me that day.
21. That didn't stop me from doing it one more time with Kool-Aid.
22. I moved on to Manic Panic in high school.
23. I also bleached streaks in my hair the same night I bleached a very dear friend's hair.
24. We bleached it right after shaving her head.
25. Then we went to a high school dance wearing matching lingerie.
26. I think we intended on being evil that night.
27. That's right. We WERE evil that night.
28. Don't ever go to the Rosecrans Motel in IL. Even if you're just looking for someplace to party.
29. The A/C units there have the sole purpose of making you fear for your life.
30. Okay, they weren't THAT bad. But we did think it would fall out of the wall.
31. I have only actually feared for my life twice.
32. Once was during my only car accident.
33. My 6-month old car was TOTALLED by a cabbie.
34. He claimed that he had glass in his eye from hitting me.
35. There were no broken windows on his car.
36. The second time was when I woke up during emergency maxillofacial surgery.
37. They really didn't believe me when I told them that I needed higher levels of pain killers.
38. I woke up with hand-shaped bruises on my shoulders from being restrained while they upped my doses.
39. I still have 2 scars on my neck from where I had drainage tubes coming out of my face for 5 days.
40. That's the longest I have ever been hospitalized - 6 days.
41. That's also the longest I have ever been away from my son.
42. The second longest time I was hospitalized was when I gave birth to him.
43. Greyson will be 3 this November.
44. Greyson was our second choice for a name.
45. My first choice was Aiden.
46. Only a few people know the reason behind me loving that name.
47. I have some incredible memories from that time in my life.
48. I can't even think of the word ALPHABET without hearing a very twisted song in my head.
49. It has NOTHING to do with the ABC's.
50. It has a lot to do with cows and strap-ons.
51. Actually, that's really ALL it has to do with.
52. I have some demented friends.
53. They are also very treasured friends.
54. I don't see them nearly as much as I'd like to.
55. There are numerous reasons - but I love them all immensely.
56. Sometimes I really wonder how the hell we all ended up where we are today.
57. Then I realize that it doesn't matter, anyhow.
58. Sometimes I really wish certain people would be more open.
59. I think people say they understand, when really they don't.
60. I have an deep-rooted fear of loss.
61. I've found that not much I can do will affect who or what goes away.
62. I try anyways.
63. Sometimes, the only thing that connects with me is music.
64. Some of my absolute best memories have a connection to music in some way.
65. I met my husband because he was touring in the same band as my ex-boyfriend.
66. Many of my other great memories come from being in Theatre.
67. I think at least half of my friends that knew me back then got to see my mostly nude due to costume changes.
68. One of the best memories has to do with music AND theatre.
69. It's all about the Star-Spangled Banner.
70. I still tear up whenever I listen to a beautiful version of that song for this reason.
71. I also get teary while listening toMetallic's version of "Tuesday's Gone."
72. Sometimes when you're really drunk, it doesn't matter who can and cannot sing.
73. Unless you're at a Karaoke bar.
74. The last time I sang Karaoke was in Scottsdale, AZ.
75. Actually, that's the last time I sang in public.
76. That's a sad matter, since I was booked to be the opening act for "The Fourth Tenor" in Detroit before I got pregnant.
77. I think the fact that I wasn't able to do the show was the catalyst in ending a long-time friendship.
78. I can't watch a tree fall over ( or hear anyone mention a tree falling over) without practically doubling over in laughter.
79. I also have a very difficult time keeping a straight face anywhere near a Chuck E. Cheese.
80. I would have laughed at you if you told me I was going to wind up with my husband 4 years ago.
81. I *did* laugh at someone who thought I would end up with my husband 4 four years ago.
82. I think that was one of the only intelligent assumptions that person ever made.
83. That person is the sole reason why I haven't gotten my bachelors degree yet.
84. I actually miss college.
85. I've changed my major since then.
86. I think that maybe I can sing while I do forensics.
87. Maybe I'll become famous for it.
88. I doubt it.
89. I hate watching myself perform on video.
90. I actually hate being photographed, too... but it makes me sad that I don't have more photos of me with my son.
91. I don't have a lot of my old photos anymore.
92. Someone threw them away.
93. All the photos I tried to take while in Colorado came out defective.
94. The same thing happened to someone else with the same camera.
95. I *really* miss Colorado.
96. Every time I think of Colorado, I think of Indiana Jones.
97. Indiana Jones doesn't wear purple shorts, though.
98. Apparently, teachers get angry when you leave small boxes of Lucky Charm outside their hotel room door.
99. Okay, maybe only teachers that look like hairy leprechauns do.
100. Teachers who call you from China's heads blow up when you tell them that 16-year olds are claiming to have affairs with them.
101. Apparently, you can procure arsenic in liquid form.
102. If you can, it doesn't work.
103. There is one name that I will run away screaming from.
104. I should have learned from the first experience.
105. Then again, I should have known there was something wrong with a woman who wanted to be friends after her boyfriend left her for me.
106. Never give in to the temptation of a large crowd of women.
107. I just realized that I have typed more than 100 things!! LOL

Your turn!!! (GAH, did I get WAY random, or what?!?)